Posts from May 2007.

God’s Business Plan

God's Business Plan

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Dear Mainstream Media

Please stop saying that the Democrats in Congress “had to” drop timetables from the Iraq funding bill.

They did not “have to.” They chose to, because they are cowards. Please make a note of it.

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Mob Rule: Belatedly Yours

Here’s a question I’ve been carrying around in my head for months. I’ve been meaning to send it to The Ethicist, but since it’s been a while since I’ve opened comments on a post (and you guys are clearly in search of a thread to brawl in) I guess I’ll just toss it out here.

Dear Teh Intire NetarWeb:

Say you have a friend with a glaring character flaw, something that drives you crazy. Tardiness, for example. Always shows up late for everything, and walks in the door making excuses. "Lost my car keys. Google maps was wrong. Couldn't find parking," et cetera, and so forth.

So one day you are meeting your friend for a movie. And, as always, he shows up late. Late enough that you're certain to get the crappiest seats in the house--somewhere in the first row, no doubt.

"Traffic was terrible," he says as he arrives, to forestall your objections. But this is the final straw. You read him the riot act, call him to the carpet, tear him a new asshole--pick your favorite cliche. "Why do you keep doing this?!" you yell. "It's just as easy to be consistently on time as it is to be consistently 20 minutes late!!*" He, of course, keeps insisting that it's not his fault, but you'll hear none of it.

(* I actually hollered this at a friend once...)

Well, it's worse than you imagined: 28 Weeks Later is totally sold out by the time you get to the boxoffice, and you have to go see another movie instead.

Afterwards you decide to go to a bar together--not because you are friends again (you're both still totally pissed), but because you made the mistake of seeing Georgia Rule and now have no choice but to consume enough alcohol to retroactively blackout the entire evening. While you sit there silently fuming in T. J. McDrinkies, pounding greyhounds, the local 10 o'clock news comes on. Top story: a semi jackknifed on I-5 a few hours ago, bringing traffic to a virtual standstill.

Your friends looks at you expectantly. Do you apologize?

Curious,
Matthew

P.s. to those using the comments to offer me advice on dealing with my “friend”: this really is a purely hypothetical situation–one that occurred to me last week when I was caught in a traffic jam and showed up late to a movie.

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How To Trick A Girl

Go up to a girl and say “You are pretty.” Then, when she says “thanks,” say “yeah … pretty attractive!!”

Gets em every time.

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Pinnacle Quiz

I was just on the website for Pinnacle Foods, and discovered that these guys own a crapload of the most well-known food brands. I also noticed that every product page on their site featured a logo for a brand, and a piece of clipart that presumably portrayed the target demographic for that food. Can you match ‘em up?


Click for the quiz.
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Wish-I-Could-Draw Comics!

Panel 1: Captain America, The Hulk, Wasp, Thor, and Iron Man converge on a box.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
(shouting)
Avengers Assemble!

Panel 2: The box, reading “IKEA,” sits off to the side. The Avengers are sitting, bending over, and kneeling, looking quizzical, holding pieces of pine.

Panel 3: The Avengers are still trying to put the pieces together; a few are attached.

Panel 4: The Avengers are still trying to put the pieces together.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
Goddammit, Bruce! Next time just go to Crate & Barrel and get pre-made shelves.

HULK
(hurt)
But these were only, like, thirty bucks.

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Made 5000 Fishwiches Out Of Five Buns And Two Cod

 

Made 5000 Fishwiches out of Five Buns and 2 Cod
Sorry, workin’ on a side project this week, so you get lots of images and little prose.
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Bike To Work Week

May 14-18 is Ride Your Bike To Work Week. So if you’ve been meaning to do that, you should probably do that.

If the route to your workplace involves riding in traffic for any length of time, I would doubly recommend you make the effort–especially if, like me, you are a middle-class, heterosexual, thirtysomething, college-educated, healthy white American male. It breeds humility, spending an hour each day at the absolute bottom of a social hierarchy.

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FHM

If you haven’t already enjoyed this astounding video, please do so now. It’s not safe for work … I guess, I dunno. Hard to say. If your boss walks into your office while you are watching it, he will either fire you on the spot or promote you to CFO, one of the two.

The artists behind this masterpiece also have a MySpace page, which has attracted thousands of visitors. In fact, the amazing amount of attention these guys have attracted makes me wonder if there might be a market out there for this kind of stuff.

FHM

 

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Where’s Keith When You Need ‘Em?

A woman is giving me her personal information over the phone:

“First name: Janet; Last name: Oakley. Email address: jaoakley@yahoo.com; that’s J as in James, A as in Andrew, O as in Oscar, A as in Andrew, K as in, uhhhhhhhhh, Welcomebackkotter …”

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