I know: if everyone on the Internet jumped off a bridge, I would probably do that too.

I saw a billboard this morning that featured the McDonalds Southwest Salad and the motto “Less Dangerous Than Eating A Cactus.”

At least, I assume that’s a motto. On further consideration, though, having to compare the consumption of their food to the eating of cacti might be some sort of FDA-mandated warning label. Like, maybe it was originally supposed to be, “McDonalds: Less Dangerous Than Eating A Cactus; More Dangerous Than Eating Pretty Much Any Thing Else” but the crack Micky-D legal team managed to plea bargain down to just the first half.

I while ago I received this email:

Hello!

My society (a very tiny group of individuals just trying to bring fun to a deserving town in central Pennsylvania) would like to host a monthly Games Night in our town and I'm wondering if you have any suggestions for making it a fun night for everyone. I have the basics covered: offer a variety of games so everyone has something to enjoy, food, etc. But I'm wondering if there are other things I can do to lure people in and then keep them coming back? These won't necessarily be my friends so I can't apply guilt to make them show up. I have to offer a really fun night.

Do you have any suggestions?

Amy

Now, after many, many months, I’ve gotten around to writing a reply.

The Care And Feeding Of Your Game Group.

Though I was the first in my family to start a blog, my predeliction for cracking horrible jokes appaears to be hereditary.

The following is a letter sent by my maternal grandfather to my parents in 1967.

Grandpa wasn’t a humor writer, so, even before I managed to Google up portions of the material, I knew it wasn’t original. Still, he loved to crack wise–after supper during family get-togethers, he would always treat us to a long, convoluted golf joke–and I can totally visualize him sitting at his manual typewriter, laboriously copying these groaners from somewhere else, chuckling to himself all the while.

He was a good guy, my Grandpa. I miss him.

A dog
A cat
A pig
A cow
A horse
A sheep
A goat
A chicken
A bunny
A duck
A rooster
A bird
A turkey
A crow
An owl
A mouse
A fish
A snake
A bear
An elephant
A cricket
A baby
A pirate
A robot
A chicken nugget
A hot dog
Applesauce
An octagon

Ron Paul, one of the second-tier Republican candidates who participated in last night’s debate, is a Libertarian and a strict Constitutionalist. In practice, that means he’s pro-life (but thinks the Federal government shouldn’t rule on abortion one way or the other), opposed to capital punishment, advocate for a non-interventionist foreign policy, “regularly votes against almost all proposals for government spending,” thinks we should scrap the drug war, supports the repeal of the Income Tax, and was given an A+ by the Gun Owners of America.

Holy smokes. Pair this guy up with Mike Gravel and you’ve got yourself a ticket.

Wild Hogs: “Does for comedies what Exxon did for Prince William Sound.” — Pete Vonder Haar, Film Threat

Are We Done Yet?: “Remarkable only for the fact that its star [Ice Cube] was ever once actually considered a threat to civic stability. If movies came any safer than this, they’d be given honourary police citations for keeping the peace.” — Geoff Pevere, TORONTO STAR

Pathfinder: “Makes Conan the Barbarian seem like Dostoyevsky in its complexity. ” –Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

The Invisible: “It probably seemed layered and complex when the writers were stoned. ” — Luke Y. Thompson, LA Weekly

Slow Burn: “Nothing is what it seems … unless it seems cheesy.” –Kyle Smith , NEW YORK POST

And, because Kyle Smith was on a roll this week, Lucky You: “An announcer calling a climactic poker match uses a Texas hold ‘em term frequently, saying, ‘And the flop. And the flop. And the flop.’ Heck, this movie reviews itself.” — Kyle Smith , NEW YORK POST

I just saw a commercial on CNN. “50 Years Of Pop Culture,” it said, “Thursday on CNN.”

Either they are airing an hour-long retrospective on the last 50 years of pop culture, or, from today forward, they are going to spend 50 years focusing on pop culture. The latter would probably be easier for them, as it would require no change of format.

“The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter has been established, but who will become her pediatric dentist? Anderson Cooper investigates … tonight!”

The US says it has killed yet another “senior al-Qaida leader”. Not bin Laden, someone a few boxes down on the org chart.

You can tell that the folks running this war have spent their entire lives in politics or the military. If they had spent some time in the business world, they’d know that the quickest way to cripple an organization is to increase its ranks of middle-management, not thin them.

Instead of firing laser-guided missiles at these guys, we should be sending them laser pointers and complementary copies of Powerpoint.

As the previous post illustrates, “blog” is pretty much just “mob” spelled backwards.