Hey Science, thanks for the hypoallergenic cats. That’s terrific, really. High fives all around.
But hey, small request? While you’re in there messing around with meow-meow genes, could you also program them NOT TO INCESSANTLY MEW AT 6:17 IN THE MORNING???! Because that would be great. Thirty bonus points if you can apply the process to existing cats, so we retrofit this knucklehead:
A.k.a. “The Klaxon”
(Yes, okay, we accidentally fed you at 6:17 AM one time. Like, three years ago. But we are never never never never going to do it again, do you understand? Never. Your official feeding time is seven o’clock … plus the four minutes per “meow” that pierces our bedroom door prior to seven o’clock that I add out of sheer spite.)
In fact, Science? Why don’t you just go whole hog and program cats with some basic groundrules. You know, like Asmov’s Three Laws of Robotics. Something along the lines of:
- A cat may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. This includes transmogrifying from “adorable kitty enjoying a tummy rub” to “bandsaw” without warning.
- A cat may not barf on the floor or, if the barfing is unavoidable, will only barf on kitchen tile, rather than the goddamned carpet.
- When I am struggling under the weight of an overstuffed armchair, carrying it from the the living area to the kitchen so the cleaner guys can come and steam the seven gallons of cat barf out of the carpet, a cat (specifically: Louie) may not suddenly decide that this would be a wonderful moment to affectionately rub against my legs. Seriously Louie, stop. Go away. Stop. Get out of here. Come on, if you don’t knock it off I SWEAR TO BAAL I’M GOING TO DROP THIS MOTHERLOVING SOFA RIGHT ON YOU YA FREAKIN MORON!
Or if it’s easier, Science, just twiddle dog DNA until they shit in a box, and I’ll just get some of them next go ’round. That’s pretty much all cats got going for ‘em anyhow.