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1 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
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Yes sir, tomorrow is the big day. July 21. The release of the final installment in the Harry Potter seventology, or whatever the hell it's called.

Oh man, you must be excited. I bet you can't wait to get your hands on this book.

Me, I've had my hands on the book pretty much continuously for the last week, preparing all these orders for shipment. In fact, I'm holding your copy as I write this.

It's kind of funny, when you think of it: you've been looking forward to this book for a decade, probably pre-ordered the thing a year ago; and here I am, some warehouse-working Muddle (or whatever you call us), who doesn't know Hogwarts from genital warts, with the book 24 hours before you.

That's a little something called irony. You'll appreciate it when you get older. Assuming you're not some 37-year old guy who lives with his parents and can recite the d20 stats for a gelatinous cube has off the top of his head.

Well, don't you worry. This book will be on your doorstep tomorrow afternoon, ready to read.

I, of course, could read the book--YOUR book--right now. And I gotta admit, it WOULD be fun to be one of the first people in the world to know how it all ends.

Hmm. So, maybe I'll just read the last page ...

OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT!! IT WAS ALL A DREAM???!

Hah hah. I'm just yanking your chain. That's not how it ends. Or maybe it IS, and I'm just saying it's not so you'll be doubly surprised when you finish it. You never know.

I really did read the last page, though. The final word is "haberdashery." You can verify that when you get the book. Tomorrow. A full day after I had it.

I gotta tell ya, though: now that I know how it ends, I kind of want to read the whole thing. If I start right now, I could probably finish it and get this book in the mail to you by Wednesday. You wouldn't mind waiting a few extra days, would you?

Also, I dog-ear pages to save my place. I hope that's okay.

j/k. I wouldn't really read this book. 1000 words about fairies? Yeah, no. Besides, who has the time? Some of us have work for a living. For instance, I bust my hump 60 hours a week schlepping your books around.

Besides, I'd rather see the movie anyway. That chick who plays Hermoine is smoking hot. I'd quidditch, if you know what I'm sayin'.

All right, settle down. I'm putting your precious doorstop in the box now. If you've explored the links on the Your Account page but still need assistance with your order, you'll find links to e-mail or call Amazon.com Customer Service in our Help department at http://www.amazon.com/help/

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P.s. Dobby dies.

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32 comments.

  1. Hilarious.

  2. You have no idea how tempted I was to go down to the local bookstore while the Potter fans were in line and start spouting spoilers (I read the photographed copy uploaded to the net Tuesday.)

    Why would it give me satisfaction to spoil a book for people? Is it that they take all this too seriously, or am I just evil?

  3. Michael, you read an awful photografied version, straining yor eyesight for hours, and probably gaining a couple dioptries, and it’s *they* who take it too seriously?

  4. This post had me doubled up laughing I’m sick to death of the whole thing, it’s a CHILDRENS book for crying out loud. There will be thousands of adults, perfectly intelligent in every other way reading this book while on the way to work & in their lunchtimes. Adults ranging from government ministers to butchers to lawyers will be seen publicly reading a book aimed at thirteen year olds. I can’t understand it & find the whole thing somewhat pathetic or perhaps it’s just a sign of adults trying to look & be “cool” or it is proof that the constand dumbing down of society has finally worked.

  5. P.s. Dobby dies.

    Oh thank god for that.

  6. Amanda Regan, I’m glad you’re so much cooler than the rest of us. Also, let’s not assume that just because something is “intended” for “children” means that it’s automatically stupid.

  7. who doesn’t know Hogwarts from genital warts.

    Funny. I could have sworn the doctor down at the local clinic said I had a viral hogwarts infection. I then turned around and told my exes to watch out, because they might find small slytherin growths on their wee-wees.

  8. I drove down Broadway at about 11:45 last night, saw this massive crowd of people cheering and screaming and thought, wow, that place with the white lamborghini really got popular, this joint’s like Mardi Gras tonight!

    Then I saw some wizard hats. I was really confused for about 2.5 seconds, then realized it was the Harry Potter line.

    My book comes on Monday, by the way.

  9. Hilarious. And more than a little ironic for me. My book didn’t come today from Amazon. Losers. At least it’ll be free when it comes since they did honor their refund guarantee.

    Amanda, I recommend carrying around a large collection of Proust and reading it loudly to anyone you see with a Potter book. You can then berate them and tell them that THAT is what real literature sounds like! You’ll definitely impress all with your tact and worldliness.

  10. Dobby?!?!? No-o–o-o-o-o-ooo!

  11. Amanda:

    Anything that gets the American public reading is A Good Thing, and your insistence that reading this book is a reflection on intelligence is hilarious. I’ll have to share it with my friend who, despite her doctorate in English, purchased a copy of the book yesterday morning. I suppose she’ll just have to return that degree, now won’t she?

    -Jake

    PS: Mind your grammar.

  12. @Jake: Did she get her doctorate in English from an American University? Cause that would explain alot…

    // I’m kidding, calm down!! ;)

  13. Michael -

    Oh, yes, because shouting spoilers would make you SO COOL.

    Yeah, some of adults did in fact get excited over a children’s book. So what? Does that bother you in some bitter, unloved corner of your soul? Has it really been that long since you got excited over a book? I feel kind of sorry for you.

    Matt -

    I really enjoyed your post, even if I am one of those potter-loving adults. Funny as always.

  14. You know, the Starbucks’ team hates it when you snort their iced-mochas out of your nose and onto their marginally clean tables. Thanks. Now I have to find another one to hang out in.

    {Walks hundred feet to the next store.)

  15. I forgot that the book was supposed to arrive yesterday and didn’t look in my mailbox until today, pleasantly surprised to see the big box of book (singular intended) crammed into the thing. I, with my Master’s in English behind me well over a decade ago, took one look at it and decided that I’m just a little too tired today to lift the massive tome to the correct distance to read it, given my aging toward far-sightedness and my vanity that won’t allow me to purchase those $5 reading glasses at the drugstore. Thus, I’ll have to start tomorrow, or even the following day, when all the 13 year olds will be finishing up the saga. I am, apparently, neither an intellectual snob, nor a devoted fan. I just think the books have been great fun.

  16. I bought mine at Albertsons last night around 11:30p m and read it until 3am when I forced myself to go to sleep.

    I truly dislike when people spoil movies or books for me without my asking. On the other hand, I think the t-shirts that said “Dumbledore dies on page 384″ were pretty funny.

    And indeed – the books ARE great fun. Amanda, I’ll battle wits with you any day.

  17. These books are great fun. I’m a 40 year old father of two, and I never would have read them if it weren’t for the kids, but I’ve enjoyed them at least as much as they have. In fact one of the side benefits of parenting is that there is a lot of really good children’s literature out there that I get to read. Most of it is stuff that never would have occurred to me to pick up if it wasn’t for the kids. Books like the Lemony Snicket series, which is hilarious, and the His Dark Materials trilogy.

  18. Jake: “Anything that gets the American public reading is A Good Thing.”

    Thank you! People are always after me about my bound copies of Penthouse Forum.

  19. One question for Amanda -

    Do you know what “True Literature” the Harry Potter series is based on?

    Didn’t think so…Dante’s Inferno

  20. There are a lot of good books out there, and there’s also a lot of dreck. The people who belittle children’s books across the board probably haven’t read any good ones, didn’t have good experiences with books when they were children themselves, or perhaps don’t even like to read as adults. It’s one thing to dislike a particular sub-genre, and totally another thing to dismiss a book simply because it’s marketed for a target-age audience (which is usually the decision of the publisher). As Ranganathan says, “Every reader his/her book. Every book its reader.”

    I haven’t yet read HP7, by the way. I’ve been busy putting together the July 2007 blog Carnival of Children’s Literature. Yea rah!

  21. i don’t get why people who don’t read the HP books are so virulently angry towards those of us that dare enjoy them. i don’t go screwing with your dungeons and dragons games or letting you know who wins that sox game you tivo-ed, do i? nor do i CARE THAT YOU WATCH IT. sheesh.

  22. “the d20 stats for a gelatinous cube”?! Man, I really hate to do this, but I’m going to have to revoke your geek card. Seriously, hand it over.

  23. I’ve read the first two books and I have to say… I wasn’t that impressed with them. I really do not see why they are hyped up in the way that they are. To those of you who like the book… more power to you, and to the people who hate anyone who picks it up, when was the last time you actually read a book?

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  25. Why do Harry Potter fans get so upset when someone mentions that they’re children’s books? They are. They might be exceptionally high quality children’s book, but the intended audience is still kids.

  26. “buy on line viagra”

    Clearly, SOMEONE thinks there are a lot of older Harry Potter readers.

  27. Dobby Dies… HA HA Bwaa HAA HA

  28. I’m not even a HP nerd and I still think this is hysterical.

  29. Soylent Green Is Muggles!

    This just in: A second plane has crashed into Hogwarts!

  30. “Why do Harry Potter fans get so upset when someone mentions that they’re children’s books? They are. They might be exceptionally high quality children’s book, but the intended audience is still kids.”

    What makes a children’s book? Just wondering. Does it mean I’m an adult because I know what Dr. Paisley’s Soylent Green is (and not from the movie)??

  31. Someone at work used that “It’s just a children’s book” line. I’ll admit I was taken aback. I guess it a children’s book because the protagonists are children, right?

    So what? I don’t get it.

    I have an upperhand over my 11 year old because I can enjoy books about middle age english professors and The Golden Compass. But I don’t see any reason that the Harry Potter books are doing a worse job of being literature than say that latest Sharon McCone mystery I read on the return flight (I bought Deathly Hallows going when it became clear I was in for a very looooong day in airports and planes), or even say something like a James Ellroy novel.

    My reasoned conclusion is the “it’s a children’s book” is one of those statements that sounds like an argument but lacks much actual meaning.

  32. I think what the “it’s just a children’s book” people fail to realize is that the writing matures along with the characters from book to book. So, yes, the first book was about an 11-year-old and his first year of wizarding school. The seventh book is about a 17-year-old and deals with much darker subject matter.