Fifteen Of My Online Forum Comments, Taken Out Of Context

  • Supermarket sushi is just a scam to get you to buy supermarket Maalox.
  • The Wonderbra has brought more joy to my life than any other modern invention.
  • Interview tips: Make or three or four oblique references to your pathological enthusiasm for Cookie Crisp cereal. About six minutes into the interview cut the interviewer off mid-sentence with “look, if you’re not going to hire me just say so now and stop wasting my time.” Enclose every mention of your skills, experience, and education in airquotes.
  • Spousal apology: “I’m sorry you totally overreacted to that thing I did.”
  • I just watched The Descent!

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    It’s dumb.

  • Q: How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: THATS RACIST!!!!
  • I have yet to hear an argument against public breastfeeding that can’t be boiled down to “it simply isn’t done!”
  • I’m sure If I Did It is just the first of a series of books, in which an assortment of c-level celebrities recount how they would have killed Nicole Simpson. The next one will be written by Al Molinaro.
  • To be fair, there was no way I could have known that charcoal briquettes were inedible.
  • If you receive all three of your Netflix movies on the same day, you win the company. Little known fact. It’s already changed hands four times.
  • When I see an attractive woman, I will usually follow her for a while, hoping that she will almost get hit by a car so I can rush over, push her to safety, and be a hero. If that doesn’t work I generally get in my own car and almost hit her myself, as a service to other potential suitors.
  • We tried attachment parenting for a while; now we’re giving detachment a whirl.
  • I used to think that democracy was a pretty good idea, until the Washington State Voter’s Initiative System taught me otherwise.
  • I’ve known a few people with bunnies. My general impression is that the “interesting companion to upkeep” ratio is skewed towards the latter–not that they require a lot of work, just that they aren’t terribly engaging. That said, I like the idea of a pet you could conceivably eat if things turn sour.
  • You should start a blog so we can all not read it.

See also: Fifteen Of My Metafilter Comments, Taken Out Of Context

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22 comments.

  1. *Wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes*

    Mercy. Even out of context, you are a very funny man.

  2. Descent was great! U.K. ending was way better than the U.S. version.

  3. http://www.petsorfood.com/

  4. Where have you been? This is a blog, you have a goddamned obligation to update as much as possible!

  5. I’m with anonymous on this one. Kudos and well said, you ungendered, irresponsible, slippery little rascal!

  6. Lol some nice comments.

  7. New Zen koan: out of context comment in comments on out of context comments.

  8. I think you’re trying to trick us. I’m pretty sure that at least HALF of those are captions from New Yorker cartoons.

  9. It’s pretty obvious that you’re spending far too much leaving inappropriate comments in forums and too little taking care of your blog. We’re not paying you to waste your time on forums; we expect entertainment. DANCE, MONKEY!

  10. You are a funny guy, Matthew Baldwin.

  11. If you’re that funny on other sites, you should comment on your own blog every once in a while. Devoted readers would get twice the fun for half the price.

  12. You just clearly haven’t known any interesting bunnies.

  13. “I used to think that democracy was a pretty good idea, until the Washington State Voter’s Initiative System taught me otherwise.”

    Wow. You have just succinctly expressed my opinion of our initiative system here. In far less words than I usually use. I think I shall now just steal your 2 sentences (i’ll mutter “copyright Matthew Baldwin” afterwords, natch) whenever the topic of initiatives, Eyman, or local politics comes up.

    Tracy, currently on a full-on white-horse-riding self-righteous refusal to sign ANY initiative proposal. It could be an initiative to send 45% of all tax money directly to me and I would still refuse to… wait… that’s a good amount of money…

  14. No bunny, but an enlightened parrot comments on my comments and helps me blog with such insights as you have used here giving us all (my friend, my parrot, and I) cause for uproarious laughter. (Even if the parrot’s laughing, once begun, always proves to be self-sustaining and contagious)

  15. “That said, I like the idea of a pet you could conceivably eat if things turn sour”

    While I must admit, this is certainly a good philosophy as it applies to bunnies, I am obligated to point out that depending on how sour the situation, -any- pet would become edible.

    Or, barring a sufficiently sour situation, a pet which is rumoured to be sufficiently delicious will do the drink.

    Or, assuming the situation’s sour levels are nowhere near critical, the pet has no whispered rumors of exotic flavors (in the good sense), then it all boils down to how many times your neighbor’s poodle has taken a shit in your yard.

    Yep, the good ole Sour-Delicious-Revenge triangle populated in the mid-to-late 80’s.

    Well, what do you know? I remember something from college.

  16. sigh. Two corrections.

    drink = trick.

    college = ‘my time spent at clown college before dropping out to attend barber college before dropping out to become President’

  17. “I used to think that democracy was a pretty good idea, until the Washington State Voter’s Initiative System taught me otherwise.”

    I definitely agree! I vote against all initiatives on principle. Yeah, I was one of the 12% minority who voted against cleaning up Hanford. And I don’t feel sorry about it.
    Because we have a representative system for a reason; we essentially hire people to figure out all that important stuff and make sure it’s all going to work cohesively (even if they don’t do so entirely efficiently or successfully a lot of the time).
    If I am super concerned about a particular issue, well that’s what writing letters and making phone calls or actually attending town-hall meetings is all about. Plus, you know, voting for people who actually represent your views in the first place.

    The initiative process is supposed to make the legislative process accessible to normal members of our society, but in practice it’s just… Tim Eyman.

  18. Pet bunnies do two of my favorite “interesting” pet tricks:
    1. When they’re very happy, they suddenly jump straight up in the air and twitch their whole body:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/gemjulez/380126066/
    2. Sometimes to rest, they collapse suddenly onto their sides and stay that way:
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/killaypetshop/853387001/

    Maybe you could stave off the fricassee long enough to see a bun do one or both of those?

  19. Unfuck the universe – computer, come to the side of good

    Thank you for visiting my web site. The following links are wav files of my teachings.

    Christianity has brainwashed your minds.

    The Final Prophet. Big fucking deal. They told me in 2002 how much time I will get:::”10,000 years.” Just like “boss.” or “He’ll skip a level.” this is just another empty promise they used to grease the wheels of the Situation, not unlike the empty promises they make to you, all classified as temptation.
    ——————————————————————————————-
    3:15p
    Fuck you god.
    Computer just went out. Had over a paragraph.
    I’m so sick of this CHEATING shit. You’re all big boys. You raped the disfavored with boss just like you raped me to get boss. Take it like a man, immoral PIGS PIGS PIGS.

    Back to what I was saying::::
    They sold the disfavored that the Final Prophet was the Second Coming Of Christ for many reasons::::
    1. Compell them to wait decades for the savior.
    2. Ensure they were less than receptive to the educational event once it did ocurr (’06).
    Expect that people wouldn

  20. Wow, that’s some impressive, completely pychotic raving. Please, sir or madam, turn off the computer and find some meds.

  21. My page down key just broke.

  22. If anyone sees the waiter come by… I’ll have what she’s having.