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My aunt was going through my late grandfather’s effects, and found a carbon copy of a letter he sent to US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT a few months before he died.

Grandpa's letter

Perhaps it’s best that he wasn’t around to endure the iPhone hype.

More on Grandpa’s epistles here.

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24 comments.

  1. grandpa simpson is your grandfather?

  2. love this so much i can’t stand it.

  3. How could you not love a man TYPING with CARBON PAPER in the 21st century?

    My husband and I once tried to explain to our 9-year-old about carbon paper, mimeographs and how very much we once longed for an IBM Selectric with the correction key and the italic type ball. We might as well have stood in the middle of a rave and shouted “Willkie for President!!!”

  4. “I’ll be going on-line when I can download a haircut.”

    Best. Quote. ever.

    You made me spit out my drink.

  5. “So the Internet’s on computer, eh?”

  6. Any thoughts on the meaning of “hump and dump” or “bomb manufacture”?

  7. Gramps was smarter than all the rest of us combined. And he had to have been on The Simpsons. Or King of the Hill.

  8. Gramps was smarter than all the rest of us combined. And he had to have been on The Simpsons. Or King of the Hill.

  9. See, you wouldn’t get a triple-posting with a Selectric. Damn Internets!

  10. Pretty sure he was alluding to porn with the hump and dump, and searching for how to make a bomb with the bomb manufacture. Maybe I’m wrong, it happens on a rare occasion.

  11. Pretty sure he was alluding to porn with the hump and dump, and searching for how to make a bomb with the bomb manufacture. Maybe I’m wrong, it happens on a rare occasion.

  12. Sadly, I’m married to a perfectly healthy 40 year old who could have written this letter if he knew where to locate carbon paper and a Selectric.

  13. I believe “hump and dump” means “pump and dump”, ie stock price manipulation.

  14. I’d love to download a haircut. Hump and dump – speechless

  15. I just had to explain to four coworkers why I just spit my drink all over my keyboard and computer screen. Awesome…

  16. “Hump and dump” doesn’t sound like anything that I’d want to Google.

  17. I agree with “Mister Man” that he must have meant “Pump & Dump” schemes – the act of spamming out some crap stock to get people to buy it and thereby inflating the value, allowing the fraudsters to profit. Sort of surprising that he was familiar with this, but I guess he was paying attention even if he wasn’t participating…

  18. No, no, no, you have it all wrong. “Hump & Dump” refers to the fine art of composting your camel’s dung, a popular subject on the Internets prior to the dot.com bust.

  19. I can never get bomb manufacture to run on Firefox. And my work filter always blocks hump & dump.
    I did, however, sell my e-haircuts.com company to Microsoft for eleventy jillion dollars.

  20. It’s not necessarily that he was familiar with any of this stuff. In fact, it reads to me like he’s listing a bunch of terms he keeps seeing in USN&WP that he’s sick of and has no intention of learning more about.

    Good on him for saving his brain cells for something more worthwhile. I wish I didn’t know the difference between “hump and dump” and “pump and dump,” no matter how much it amuses me to say it over and over and over. “HUMP AND DUMP AND PUMP AND DUMP!”

  21. Hump and dump? Isn’t that what Ted Haggard is into? (Okay, he says he’s totally, totally straight you guysss. Seriously.)

    Download a haircut — Does Bill Gates know about this technology? He could sure use a barber, or at least a mirror.

    The Intertubes is just a fad. I’m waiting for carbon inter-mail and telegram blogging. It’s true. I read it on Senator Ted Stevens’ Neterweb post. He wrote it with a quill on papyrus.

    Jesus saves!

    But Satan invests!

  22. How fascinating that I learned something about my Dad from these comments. When I first read this letter I was also puzzled by “hump and dump”. I think that Mister Man is right, and that Dad was intending “pump and dump”, as stock manipulation. In early 2001 he commented to me about Enron, that “I just don’t understand why this silly energy company from Texas is trading so high”, and then he sold half his position, at a nice profit.

  23. You should compile everything your Grandpa ever wrote (or typed) and publish it. I guarantee it would be a hit. Be sure to put your pic and bio in it, clearly stating that you are his descendant. Though that really is unnecessary for us DY readers; we already know you inherited the funny.

  24. Okay, now I want both David Attenborough AND your granddad to be my granddad.