Show Us Your Tweets!

Spent the last two weeks in the weeds at work, with no one to blame but myself. And this coincided with my discovery that Twitter is actually pretty fun. Thus, I spent the latter half of May writing 140-character posts over there instead of 800-word posts over here.

When Twitter was all the rage a year ago, I was mystified by it’s appeal. For those unawares, Twitter is / was supposedly a mechanism by which you could keep friends appraised of your current activities. You fill out a field entitled “What are you doing?” at the top of the Twitter website, hit update, and your status is sent to your friends in the form of an update to their twitter feed, a message to their IM client, or a text to their cell phone. Thus, you get a up-to-the-second running commentary on what all your acquaintances are up to.

Which raises the question: who the the hell would want that? I prefer to have no object permanence concerning my friends, content to believe that they only truly exist when in my company.

Fortunately, some jokers figured out that Twitter is the near perfect medium for one-liners and, if you set up your feed correctly, you can have unlimited wit of the “brevity is the soul of” variety at your disposal . (Or, as Kottke recently put it, “My Twitter friends stream is … open mic night at the Comedy Barn.”).

Naturally, I was compelled to join in the merriment. Here are some of my recent Tweets:

  • Say what you will about Jeffrey Dahmer, at least he didn’t murder people and eat them. Oh, he did? Well, I’m sure it was just a few.
  • On last night’s date I got to third base. She was enjoying the game until then–I probably should have warned her I was going to streak.
  • Strange how “sweetheart” is a term of endearment while “candy-ass” is an insult. Maybe they mean like John Candy.
  • Why can we put a man on the moon but not make a cereal box that stays closed? It was? Totally faked? Well, I guess that explains it.
  • So far the Bee Gees have been true to their word, vis a vis “Staying Alive.” Except for Maurice, the quitter.
  • Trying to keep this meeting on point is like trying to catch a feral opossum with a plastic grocery bag.
  • Thank god potty training is almost over. And after I polish my aim a bit I can start teaching it to the kid.
  • How sunblock works: (1) lotion clogs facial pores; (2) angry red acne disguises sunburn.
  • Waking up on the morning after a scorching Seattle day is like the Big Reveal on a game show entitled “Who Wants A Disfiguring Sunburn.”
  • Wanted to buy antiseptic mouthwash, bought antisemitic mouthwash by mistake. What dope stocked them next to each other? Probably a jew.
  • Attn aspiring writers: the dialog “you clean up good” is now required in every narrative, be it novel, movie, tv show, or cookie fortune.
  • My counterfeiting operation unraveled when I paid for a Hummer with 63,000 singles. Washington is the only one whose nose I can get right!
  • The older I get, the less certain I am that the events depicted in Blue Thunder actually took place.
  • Joe Lieberman is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing doing a strip tease.
  • Dieting tip: put a bowl of fruit in your office at work. After a few weeks, the stench of rotting produce will really curb your appetite..
  • Forgot the Alamo BUT JUST FOR LIKE A SECOND I SWEAR!!
  • I bet Americans would buy a lot more durable goods if we called them durable GREATS!
  • New life ambition: to be posthumously remembered as the world’s finest cattle portraitist.
  • I like that Twitter’s 140-character limits encourages eloquence–brevity is the soul of wit, after all–but too often it also prevents me fr
  • I love you. But I’m not IN love with you. But I AM in a 30-year mortgage with you. And that’s what makes this so difficult.
  • Mighty Girl should write a book for the Twitter age entitled “No One Cares What You Ate Thirty-Seven Seconds Ago.”

Sadly, my ability to crack wise in 140-characters is paltry compared to the seasoned pros. If you want to set up your own Cavalcade O’ Comedy, get a twitter account and start with these fine folks: hotdogsladies, scottsimpson, lonelysandwich, fireland, & AinsleyofAttack. Or just peruse my favorites.

The website also inspired me to make this:

Bitter

Wow, it’s amazing the way I can just think up a joke like that, two months after the referenced event has passed!

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22 comments.

  1. You. are. brilliant.
    “I bet Americans would buy a lot more durable goods if we called them durable GREATS!”
    That alone…totally worth the price of admission. Which in this case would be the $29.99 I pay for Internet access each month.
    I would pay $30 for that joke.

  2. I have sort of a love/hate relationship with Twitter. It’s a good venting tool.

    Joe Lieberman is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing doing a strip tease.

    That is awesome.

  3. “antisemitic mouthwash” that is hilarious!

  4. Um, isn’t there an app that would allow your Twits to post directly to your blog so you wouldn’t have keep posting these cluster-Twits?

  5. Um, isn’t there an app that would allow your Twits to post directly to your blog so you wouldn’t have keep posting these cluster-Twits?

  6. Some of your twits are really great, but my favorite one-liner on the post wasn’t one of them:

    “I prefer to have no object permanence concerning my friends, content to believe that they only truly exist when in my company.”

    This is also a great approach to take to one’s job!

  7. Do not forget the badbanana on Twitter. He is my starry-eyed fave.

  8. two months is nothing. That, sir, is brilliant.

  9. I love these. Seriously, aphorisms are not easy.

    And yes, I am bitter. Howdya know?

  10. OK, I just have to say. The Joe Lieberman one!!! GAWD SO FUNNY. I have to work that into ordinary conversation somehow.

  11. What, nobody’s tweaked you for the mispunctuating in “mystified by it’s appeal”? I thought you were such a stickler for spelling/punctuation…

  12. What, nobody’s tweaked you for the mispunctuating in “mystified by it’s appeal”? I thought you were such a stickler for spelling/punctuation…

  13. Check out Twitterrific. It’s an app. You don’t have to keep checking the Twitter web site.

  14. You should SO set up Bitter! Pure Genius! You’ll make a million.

  15. Did you see Twitter on CNN yesterday?! Maybe Twitter’s not “old news” after all.

    http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/06/05/twitter.maree/index.html

  16. I love the off-camera (?) banter…”It was? Totally faked?”…for some reason that gets me every time.

  17. my 1st 24 Twitter hrs:mind completely devoted to crafting 140-char gems. each twitticism is like crack. foresee pyrrhic victories unending. (that’s 139 characters)

  18. They’re good Twits, I admit that much…but fresh content is what is desired, I’m afraid.

    *drunk, may be ignored.

  19. You’re a twitter master. Everything you say hovers at hilarity – Love it!!

  20. I’m addicted as well, as hofeizai. Feel free to mooch some wit.

  21. missing you.

  22. I’d love to hear what you did to make twitter “actually pretty fun”. I’m following something like 10 fairly entertaining people, which is a modestly amusing distraction when I remember to check the twitter page, but when I tweet I feel like I’m murmuring into a crowded room. No one I know irl uses it, except a cousin that I’m not particularly close to. What’s the secret?