Recent Tweets

  • Rice cakes are actually pretty tasty, when properly frosted. Jul 9, 6:39 PM
  • Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac threaten America. Actual economic news, not the title to a misguided “Little Rascals” feature film. Jul 11, 9:38 AM
  • Apparently life expectancy has fallen. Thank god. It’s nice to know that people are now expecting less from my life. Jul 13, 12:57 PM
  • To the kid at the bustop twirling sai: you look more “teenage turtle” than “mutant ninja”, I’m afraid. Jul 15, 2:13 PM
  • Old woman yelled at me as I zipped past on my bicycle. “You scared the PUDDING outta me!” she shrieked. Jul 15, 2:40 PM
  • NPR: I would gladly contribute if you could guarantee that I’d NOT somehow wind up at the “Rhubarb Tour With Garrison Keillor”. Jul 17, 12:06 PM
  • Some asshole assaulted me while I tried to eat lunch. Now I am shaken and hungry. Jul 21, 12:50 PM
  • Oh god, I am miserably overfull. I am going to travel back in time 40 minutes and slap that burrito from my own hand before I can eat it. Jul 21, 1:30 PM
  • I wish I could quit you! But I must instead irritate you until I get fired, if I want to collect unemployment. Jul 21, 3:25 PM
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7 comments.

  1. Ha! In their original Twitter form I missed the time travel burrito one (but saw the lunch assault tweet) and now I finally get the entire joke =)

  2. I hadn’t seen the unemployment one yet! Priceless.

  3. Trying to get fired already? I don’t even know what a ‘writer’ is supposed to do! ;c)

  4. I just love your blog. You now also have the honor and distinction of being the ONLY person I know whose tweets are treats.

  5. Haha! It took me a sec to connect the assault and burrito tweets. Nicely done.

    Also, I am now going to use the word “pudding” as a scatalogical reference. I will anounce to my coworkers that it is “pudding time”. Or I will let people know that I had a particularly runny pudding today. Or that my daughter got pudding all over the floor. Nobody else will have any clue that every time I say “pudding” I mean “shit”. This will prove extremely entertaining to me for a while.

    And then when I get bored of this game, maybe after a day or two, I will let people know what I’ve been doing. And I will again be gleefully entertained as I watch their expressions while they recall all of my recent “pudding” comments in their new scatalogical context.

  6. I love these posts. So much.

  7. One of my recent NPR favorites:

    “They were all seated at the long, wooden table. Words were spoken.”