Recent Tweets

  • Insurance guy: Why does your son need this? Me: He has autism. IG: I’ll authorize 6 mo. worth. Then, if he still has autism, call us back. Sep 8, 08:01 PM
  • All this commotion about Sarah being a Holy Warrior is causing quite the Palin-din. Sep 9, 10:31 AM
  • AP headline: “Stocks Plunge Downward”. What, do these guys get paid by the word? Sep 15, 03:45 PM
  • Discovered today: 30 years later, playing “Perfection” still gives me a headache. Sep 20, 04:26 PM
  • Oh Christ, I’m such an idiot. Spent the whole weekend looking for the greatest love of all; turned out it was inside of me the whole time. Sep 21, 11:46 AM
  • Attn. all: I am unable to poop waffles and pee maple syrup. That, at any rate, is what I told my hungry & impatient 4-year-old this morning. Sep 22, 11:14 AM


  1. That’s what I would choose for my super power.

  2. You do realize, of course, that said 4-year-old will now introduce the concept of fathers pooping waffles and peeing maple syrup to random other adults, with great glee and probably at the most inopportune time. If I had made that comment to *my* 4-year-old, I would expect the subject to come up with teachers and play-group moms for years to come. Thank God she doesn’t know how to use a computer or cel phone yet.

  3. My kids are much more nefarious. They would wait until we had company over and then proceed to ask “Anyone want waffles?”

    Also: Nerdy puns FTW!

  4. With regard to the last one, if you want to pee maple syrup, try fenugreek pills. (If you were a nursing mother, that would make sense to you…)

  5. omiGod! you had me at greatest love of all, and then the poop waffles and pee maple syrup made me laugh so hard I cried, suppose that’s only because I too have a sincerely impatient kid and only wish I could be so witty during those times

  6. I’ve got the peeing maple syrup thing taken care of (The price: I’m terminally diabetic), but I’m still working on the waffle poop.

  7. So, I follow your Tweets fresh from the Twitter source, and my fave OS08P is that Joe Biden’s middle name is discovered to be “Homomuslim.” I was going to reply to your Tweet to let you know, but then I thought that would be weird, since I don’t actually KNOW know you. Or rather, you don’t know ME. Would that have been weird? I don’t know. I read Maggie’s Twitter Etiquette article, but I’m still fuzzy on the whole thing. Long story short, good work, my man; good work.

  8. I pooped a two-headed dinosaur once. Does nothing to get breakfast served, but I bet it’d be pretty fascinating to a four-year old.

  9. Reversal of autism: