Oh boy, the Biden-Palin trainwreck! I haven’t been this giddy since the premiere of Temptation Island 2!!
Here’s a preview of what we can expect:
Annnnnd we’re off.
6:02: During the opening handshake, Palin says “Can I call you Joe?” A reference to Obama “arrogantly” calling McCain “John” throughout the first debate? LET THE MINDGAMES BEGIN!!
6:04: Seventeen words into her first response and Palin is already talking about hometown soccer games.
6:06: “Hockey mom” and “Joe Six-Pack” in a single sentence: drain the glass.
6:09: This debate is not going to be about the vice-presidential candidates at all, is it?
6:12: The Queen is swooning to Biden over here.
6:15: Palin’s doin’ pretty good here, but she sounds like the guide in the Space Needle elevator, rattling off the same dates and heights every hour on the hour.
6:18: Biden with the first laugh of the night (“I call that the ultimate Bridge to Nowhere.”)
6:19: This format is terrible. Only enough time to regurgitate soundbites.
6:20: Oh god, stop grinning Biden–you look like the host of Press Your Luck. COME ON SARAH NO WHAMMIES!!
6:24: The way the candidates use every question as an opportunity to laud their running mates is turning this into “My pa could beat up your pa.”
6:28: Wow, what’s going on? Palin’s fallin’ apart. She looks exhausted 28 minutes in. Red Bull is wearing off or something.
6:33: Whoa, a fully unambiguous answer from Biden on gay rights. That was awesome.
6:35: Protip: If you refer to yourself as “tolerant” of gays, you are probably not.
6:37: So here’s how it works: when they switch to a new subject, Palin perks up, starts smiling, and sounds competent. Then, as discussion continues and the needle on her platitude-gauge travels from F to E, she becomes more and more ragged.
6:41: Biden can’t get through a simple declarative statement with detouring through a windy digression on Congressional procedure.
6:44: Mission to dy readers: please identify who pioneered the term “gamechanger” and garrote him.
6:45: Oh man, I love the Castro Brothers. They make great films.
6:46: I think Biden is doing Sudoku while Palin talks.
6:50: “And now, a long distance dedication. Jews in Florida, these canned responses are for you.”
6:53: “We’re gonna learn from the mistakes of this administration in our administration.” It’s a little disheartening to discover that they haven’t yet learned those lessons, that it’s just something on the todo list.
6:56: At the 85 minute mark Palin is going to look at the items on her notecard that she has not yet crossed off and be all, like, “But, Gwen, can we talk for a moment about: gun control, nuclear power, average South Korean height, the filibuster, Syria, and pitbulls vis-a-vis the lipstick thereon?”
7:00: Biden has Al Gore beat on sighing.
7:02: I wish I could be doing what McCain is doing right now. I could use the sleep.
7:03: “Obviously I am a Washington outsider, because I have no idea what you just said.”
7:05: Why ask a question that no vice-candidate would ever answer? It’s like asking “what is your greatest weakness” at a job interview–you know they are just going to say, “sometimes I work too hard …”
7:10: Why is Palin doing her closing statement? What she gonna do in 20 minutes?
7:11: Going for more wine, brb.
7:12: “Well gee whiz golly-darn rootin’ tooin’ yeehaw doggone bless-your-heart shucks there, Gwen. I … uh, what was the question?”
7:13: LOL @ Biden quoting the constitution verbatim from memory. Palin couldn’t even cough up “Guns and Ammo” when asked what she read.
7:18: “My family has had more tragedy than your family” is the new “well I also have a bracelet.”
7:19: I was so busy typing I missed the crying. DAMMIT!!!
7:22: Did not understand Biden’s response at all. Unrelated: I am tipsy.
7:24: Gwen, you fibber–you said that previous question would be the last. This debate has more false endings than Fatal Attraction.
7:26: Palin: “And if I could just give my seventh closing statement …”
7:28: Biden: “And if I could just reinforce the impression that I am a boring old white guy who is prone to rambling …
7:32: Flag pins are out; clearly Downs babies are the new hot accessory. Next year all politicians will walk around with one tucked under their arm.
No spectacular flameouts on either side, which was a grave disappointment. In that sense they both won.
Objectively Biden won on points, but it remains to be seen if that amounts to much in the polls. I can honestly say that I have no guess whatsoever as to how this affects the race. In fact, my gut instinct is that it won’t affect the polls much at all–which is bad news for McCain, as the underdog. Palin’s favorability ratings will probably uptick in the next week or so, but both Biden and Palin focused so heavily on their running mates that it may have just reinforced in the average viewer’s mind that they will not be voting for a VP. In other words, I say this hand is a push–and the pot is just that much larger for the next Presidential debate.