Presidential Debate FAILblogging

I had honestly intended to liveblog last Friday’s presidential debate. I even wrote this introduction:

Two weeks ago, when McCain fortunes were riding high, people kept asking me why I was so confident that Obama would still win the election. My answer was a single word: the debates. Well, okay: it was a plural word preceded by an article. Sue me.

There's a lot of pressure on both men tonight. McCain, of course, will have to justify debating in the midst of a crisis so dire that he suspended his campaign. He will probably spend much of the night staring thoughtfully into the middle distance; then, when Jim Lehrer prompts him for a response, he will come out of his reverie and say "I'm sorry, could you repeat the question? I was busy doing the long division necessary to save the economy in my head."

As for Obama, many people are suggesting that he try and provoke McCain into losing his temper. Some tactics he could use are:

  • Immediately mimicking the cadence of everything McCain says but substituting "meow" for all the words.
  • Repeatedly putting his foot over the pre-agreed "invisible line" that separates the two halves of the stage.
  • Referring to his opponent exclusively as "Pops".

Unfortunately the venue I then went to to liveblog the event was having problems with its wireless, so that’s as far as I got. I did grab a piece of paper and a pen, but I’m afraid the Herculean task to making physical marks on a page proved too much, and I wound up making exactly one note:

Obama: "And we also have to affirm all the fledgling democracies in that region, you know, the Estonians, the Lithuanians, the Latvians, the Poles ..." Barack has clearly learned the central lesson of 9/11: NEVER FORGET POLAND!!

Oh well, sorry about that. As compensation, here’s my summary of the entire debate in haiku form:

Low-status primates
Find it difficult to look
At the alpha male.

I will 100% absolutely for-sure be liveblogging the Vice-Presidential debate tonight though, oh my goodness yes. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Recent Tweets

  • Lonely pair of discarded pants / Laying by the side of the road / Who cruelly abandoned you / Just as the party got started? Sep 22, 06:01 PM
  • Turkey bacon is to bacon what Paris Hilton is to Audrey Hepburn. Sep 23, 07:42 AM
  • "I am suspending my campaign–and call on Senator Obama to do likewise–so we can jointly address Clay Aiken’s wholly unexpected gayness.” Sep 24, 01:36 PM
  • Kind of bummer out that I just lost the game, but at least you just lost it as well. Sep 25, 03:58 PM
  • Palin’s recent statements: it’s like she has an internal library of talking points but was accidentally left on “shuffle mode”. Sep 25, 04:40 PM
  • I’m going to start announcing my daily accomplishments via Twitter. 140 characters will be ample. Sep 26, 03:48 PM
  • Got my first issue of “Tattoo Scene Magazine”. Herve Villechaize’s interview is great, as are his tips for spicing up your sex life. Sep 27, 10:06 AM
  • The idea that McCain said “horseshit” is nonsense. Watch the tape again–he is clearly singing Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “Push It” under his breath. Sep 27, 10:31 AM
  • Joke I just thought up: Why do melons have traditional weddings? Because they cantaloupe. *** MUST CREDIT MATTHEW BALDWIN!! *** Sep 29, 09:33 AM
  • My back-of-the-envelope calculations: to successfully endure Thursday’s debate you will need to start drinking at 4:25 this afternoon. Sep 30, 09:29 AM
  • Palintology: the study of dinosaur / human coexistence. Sep 30, 02:06 PM