Warning: spoilers ahoy.
I can’t believe I read the whole thing.
The Queen is also unable to believe I read the whole thing. She reacts to bad literature the way most do to curdled milk, spitting it out the moment she realizes what she is imbibing. And so, 30 pages into Twilight, she tossed the book over to my side of the bed and announced her intention to never touch it again.
So, I read it. And … uhh, whoops.
Twilight, for those who don’t keep their finger on the pulse of teen-girl trends like I do, is the newest YA Lit phenom, selling thirty-seven klonktrillion copies and spawning a movie that promises to be bigger than Jesus and The Beatles and Chez-Its combined. The plot, such as it is, revolves around beautiful (but doesn’t know it!) Bella, who movies to Forks, WA, and meets Edward. (Or possibly “Edwin”–thankfully, the details are already beginning to fade). Ed is exquisite and dark and moody and sensitive and thoughtful and heroic and dangerous and did we already mention exquisite? Did we already mention exquisite 430 times? Great! Only 212 more mentions to go.
If you still want to read the book after seeing this picture, then I’m afraid there’s no helping you.
Ed’s fantastic looks, it turns out, are a result of his deep dark secret which Belle figures out in about 30 minutes: he’s a vampire. He and his family (vampires all) live in Forks because it is perpetually cloudy, thus ensuring that they won’t be exposed to direct sunlight. And it’s imperative that Ed avoid direct sunlight because, when it hits him, he becomes EVEN MORE GORGEOUS. I am so totally not making this up. Also, he’s a good vampire, insofar as he doesn’t eat people. But he really, really wants to. Hence the brooding. And to make matters worse, he wants to eat Belle more than anyone, because apparently she has great smelling blood. But he’s also in love with her, you see. Oh my goodness, what a pickle! It’s as if you or I were dating an apple fritter.
Now, in my day, when you were tormented by Rampant Teen Love™ you lay on your bed in a dark room and listened to a Siouxsie And The Banshees album. But Belle and Ed are even too emo for that, and apparently LiveJournal isn’t available in Forks, so Belle just gushes over Ed’s exquisitability while Ed bellyaches about his colossal case of vampiric blue-balls.
That goes on for about 300 pages. Then, suddenly, the book becomes a thriller. And I’m not kidding about the “suddenly.” New characters are introduced and, just like that, you are reading another novel, all in the space of about two pages. This abrupt shift in tone might have seemed jarring or forced in the hands of a lesser writer, but fortunately Stephanie Meyer eases the transition by having it happen during a game of baseball played by the undead in a remote clearing of a dark woods. So, you know, you hardly even notice that there was NO FORESHADOWING WHATSOEVER.
Anyway, long story short: if you’re a fan of Sweet Valley High books and the line of Goosebumps novels, but wish someone could save you some time by combining them into a single series, then Twilight might be just the book for you! Or you could just watch the first two seasons of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, which covers the same ground with twice the aplomb and half the paeans to flawless cheekbones.