Christmas Carol Errata

Little Drummer Boy
As infants rarely exhibit social response behavior until the sixth week of life, it is unlikely that Jesus was truly smiling at the little drummer boy. We now believe that the son of man was experiencing gas.

Frosty the Snowman
Due to trends in global climate change, Frosty’s vow to “be back again some day” can no longer be guaranteed.

Angels We Have Heard on High
Note that this song only provides a partial list of things heard on high. Others include the Phish “Junta” album and the incessant crinkle of a Funyuns bag.

What Child Is This?
The child has been determined to be Jake Keenan of Great Falls, Montana. If someone could let his folks know that he’s here, that would be great.

Christmas is Coming
Since 1997 the donation amount suggested by this song has been adjusted annually for inflation. Given the recent economic meltdown however, this year the old man will again be accepting pennies and ha’pennies.

Silent Night
Just to clarify, the directive to “sleep in heavenly peace” was intended for the holy infant only. It is well-known that the parents of a newborn can expect no sleep whatsoever for a minimum of seven months, especially when people keep showing up at all hours of the night bearing myrrh.

Feliz Navidad
Please disregard all previous errata for this song. Apparently it is in Spanish.

Let It Snow
This song may erroneously lead the listener to believe that snow is a enjoyable and desired meteorological phenomenon. In fact, it is a huge fucking pain in the ass. We regret the error.

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17 comments.

  1. I may have been the one to notify the authorities about “Let It Snow.”

    Sorry, I just got to Minneapolis from Georgia. It was inevitable I’d catch on to the terrible lie.

  2. You mentioned Frosty the Snowman in your post. Try these [anagrams]: Voices > Narrator = [Jammed In Yurt] / Professor Hinkle = [Elbowed Filly] / Frosty = [Connive A Jerk]. Play today’s TV game.

  3. It should also be noted that “Deck the Halls” has been banned in California, as “donning gay apparel” has been seen as an affront to “donning traditional apparel”. California is also considering a constitutional amendment defining donning as a “union of one person and one apparel”.

    Also, snow is a huge fucking pain in the ass. You already mentioned that, but it’s such a huge fucking pain in the ass it bears repeating.

  4. Snow is especially a huge pain in the ass to those of us who live in hilly areas, rarely have temps below freezing, and rarely have snow. Like Seattle, for instance.

  5. Snow’s Ass-Pain-Factor (APF) achieves epic levels when total accumulation > 15 inches. APF increases exponentially when said accumulation is followed by the temperature dropping to -6 F.

    Signed,
    ~Your Beer-Guzzling Friends 2,000 Miles to the East and Next to One Of Those Big-Ass Lakes

  6. also next to a giant lake near which snow likes to accumulate, can personally attest to the ass-pain factor. it is not novel, fun, or cheery. fully agree to stopping the spreading of lies that it is anything but cold and annoying.

  7. While I found this Errata to be quite humerosa, I actually am commenting on the Free Chicks post. I need you to come by and install a microwave oven, as it’s failure to operate is currently making it impossible to relax and watch my MTV. Also, I think there’s a bongo-playing chimpanzee living in my custom kitchen. Oh, great, he’s sticking “it” in my camera…

  8. SILENT NIGHT

  9. Call me self-centered, but I’m pretty excited that the child has been identified as one from my hometown of Great Falls, Montana. I am headed there tomorrow to celebrate Christmas, so I can let the Keenans know, if you want.

  10. The APF factor also increases when the snow is 12-18″ deep, you live in a city where rain is the most prevalent precipitation, it rarely gets below freezing, and the (&(**&*^%&^ city has 4!!!! snowplows and, apparently, no gravel trucks.
    I’m just saying. *cough* Portland *cough*

  11. snow is sweet as shit, get a subaru like the rest of us *is smug as heck* but seriously, snow? great!

  12. Since I also live near one of the great lakes, I will gleefully jump on the “Ass Pain Factor of snow” band wagon. I would also like to note that if anyone knows a way for me to get back all the time I spent putting up Christmas decorations on my lawn that I fear I will not see again until April, please let me know. “Let it melt, Let it melt, Let it melt”

  13. While where on the errata: How come when “Frosty the Snowman” comes to life, everyone’s all happy and dancing around, yet when *I* bring things to life everyone’s all like “EEK! A Monster!” and suddenly I’m a “*mad* scientist”? No justice I tells ya.

  14. Spending 5 hours in line, and listening to “Let It Snow” and “Winter Wonderland” while on hold with NW Airlines and stuck at the Sea-Tac airport was just cruel.

    Thanks for a laugh.

  15. I hate Christmas music. The radio stations overplay them this time of year. Very annoying!

  16. Hilarioso!

  17. Its a great list.

    Thanks for posting.
    Amanda