Recent Tweets

  • Giving a slide whistle to a four-year-old is like giving a oh my god I can’t even concentrate long enough to analogize. Jan 7th, 10:23 AM
  • Q: Why did they call the candy “LifeSavers” instead of “Life Savers”? A: They didn’t want two mints words. Jan 8th, 10:16 AM
  • Going to the gym a few hours after eating at Denny’s is more exorcism than exercise. Jan 15th, 11:04 AM
  • Discovered: if you accidentally hear “Single Ladies” just before going to bed, your brain will treat you to an 8-hour remix while you sleep. Jan 28th, 7:57 AM
  • Seeing Angelina Jolie use to make me horny. Now it just makes me want to buy her chapstick. Feb 1, 07:47 PM
  • Facebook is the Internet’s most efficient mechanism for reminding you about all the friends you used to have. Feb 3, 06:49 PM
  • Days like this make me wish I’d taken my mother’s advice and become a lottery winner. Feb 4, 01:09 PM
  • The sports bar that just opened in my neighborhood fills me with sadness. No, wait: porter. It fills me with porter. Feb 4, 04:21 PM
  • I score 1 pt. if I get Louie into his Cat Carrier, he gets 1 pt. if he successfully claws out my groin. Today’s vet trip ended in a 1-1 tie. Feb 5, 09:35 AM
  • Son has the croup and sounds like Darth Vader channeling Alvin the chipmunk. Feb 9, 07:16 PM
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2 comments.

  1. Discovered: If someone mentions “Single Ladies,” your brain will treat you to a 30-minute remix. At least.

  2. Please post recording of Darth Chipmunk. I thought that there was no way he could be cuter, but that might be it. Theriouthly.

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