- Giving a slide whistle to a four-year-old is like giving a oh my god I can’t even concentrate long enough to analogize.
- Q: Why did they call the candy “LifeSavers” instead of “Life Savers”? A: They didn’t want two mints words.
- Going to the gym a few hours after eating at Denny’s is more exorcism than exercise.
- Discovered: if you accidentally hear “Single Ladies” just before going to bed, your brain will treat you to an 8-hour remix while you sleep.
- Seeing Angelina Jolie use to make me horny. Now it just makes me want to buy her chapstick.
- Facebook is the Internet’s most efficient mechanism for reminding you about all the friends you used to have.
- Days like this make me wish I’d taken my mother’s advice and become a lottery winner.
- The sports bar that just opened in my neighborhood fills me with sadness. No, wait: porter. It fills me with porter.
- I score 1 pt. if I get Louie into his Cat Carrier, he gets 1 pt. if he successfully claws out my groin. Today’s vet trip ended in a 1-1 tie.
- Son has the croup and sounds like Darth Vader channeling Alvin the chipmunk.
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