I had a bit too much to drink last night, and woke up this morning wearing socks. I never wear socks to bed.
But socks tell me that my blood alcohol concentration last night wasn’t too high … no more that 0.05, probably. In fact, on any given morning I can usually determine what my BAC was the night prior based solely on what I’m wearing when I wake.
| Wake Up Wearing | BAC |
|---|---|
| Socks | 0.05 |
| Pants | 0.10 |
| Jacket and shoes | 0.15 |
| Axe Bodyspray | 0.18 |
| No clothing / eyebrows whatsoever | 0.20 |
| Boxer shorts (not own) | 0.22 |
| Henna tattoo of Rainn Wilson | 0.24 |
| Half-eaten nacho hat | 0.26 |
| Members Only jacket / parachute pants / untied Converse / sweater draped around shoulders / Nintendo Power Glove | 0.28 |
| Bar napkin with home address written on it safetypinned to earlobe | 0.30 |
| Miss Celibate Teen Lewis County sash and tiara | 0.33 |
| Handcuffs and alcohol-monitoring anklet | 0.38 |
| Wheedle costume | 0.38 |
| Sheet, identifying tag | 0.40 |
Update: I posted the above to Twitter, with each BAC its own Tweet. I’d done this before with the Typical Reaction to the Revelation That I Do Not Own a Cell Phone, By Year list, which was fairly well-received. But the lesson learned today, I think, is that 10 items on your Twitter list is pretty much the absolute maximum before your followers start to hate you. (When I put out a call for suggestions, chris_knight replied “how about stop?”)
Still, some folks chimed in with some great additional entries. Here are a few:
| Wake Up Wearing | BAC | All-Around Great Person |
|---|---|---|
| Torn karate outfit / peanut butter stains | 0.17 | pfostpfilms |
| Mesh sleeveless shirt | 0.183 | bklynjudith |
| Full beard | 0.20 | savagegus |
| Eye shadow | 0.22 | wendelldotme |
| Jodhpurs and gold lame’ blouse | 0.25 | golux13 |
| Nadya Suleman | 0.30 | illonia |
| “I voted for G.W. Bush” button | Alcohol poisoning | cybersherpa |
| Raccoon blood on pillow* | Nick Nolte | chilcote |
* Not really something worn, but the judges will allow it.
If you have a suggestion, reply to this Tweet.
would that be chris knight of the brady bunch, or chris knight of new kids on the block?
Posted by pansy on February 26th, 2009.
pansy: “chris knight of the brady bunch, or chris knight of nkotb”
bwahh haa haa haa ha….
Posted by Karen on February 26th, 2009.
I think it’s Chris Knight of Real Genius.
Posted by suburbandiva on February 27th, 2009.
I looked at Mr. Knight’s tweets – I’ll take your lists over his any day.
In fact, your next list should be ‘what number of things do I have to list before chris_knight stops following me?’.
Then just start tweeting ’1′, ’2′, ’3′, …
Posted by E.Z. on February 27th, 2009.
There was no Chris Knight in New Kids on the Block. Jonathan and Jordan, but no Chris.
I too thought of Real Genius.
Posted by the right age to know this useless fact on February 27th, 2009.
Thank you for continuing with the blog; Twitter is blocked at my place of work and I need your posts.
Posted by Anonymous on February 27th, 2009.
Funniest thing I’ve read this week. Thanks.
Posted by Eric on February 27th, 2009.
I heart your lists … don’t stop the insanity!
Posted by ultraspy on February 27th, 2009.
Please convince Doug Benson of this.
Posted by Davin Wood on March 1st, 2009.
In my defense I really thought most of them were funny but it started going downhill, and you were blowing up my computer with messages. Small price to pay I suppose for a good laugh.
I almost spit out my drink at the Axe Body Spray.
Posted by chris knight on March 1st, 2009.
I once woke up with two pair of underware on.
I wonder if some one was telling me something?
Posted by Mike Friis on March 3rd, 2009.
I am not sure there is anything more pathetic than someone blogging his tweets.
Posted by Molly on March 4th, 2009.
I can think of at least one thing more pathetic.
Posted by Rob Cockerham on March 8th, 2009.
Oh! Oh, Rob, me too! I know this one! Is it “People who wear those (as seen on TV) Snuggie Blanket things without a hint of irony”?? That’s it, right?
No?
Oh, riiiight. You meant…yeah, no, I totally see that. It’s a good answer, too.
Posted by akeeyu on March 10th, 2009.
I woke up alone in the back yard of my buddy’s house after a particularly wild party, fully clothed from the waist up(to include jacket)and naked from the waist down.
Posted by matt on March 13th, 2009.
I miss you. Come back to us, Matt.
Posted by Kirk on March 14th, 2009.
Great Post….
You should also have a DSL (Drunken Stupor List) not to be confused with the other more inappropriate acronym. DSL is a list of who you would wake up with depending on your alcohol consumption.
adding a link on my page to your blog if you don’t mind.
Posted by Brian on March 15th, 2009.
Chris Knight is missing the ingenious rule of 37s by which something may be annoying on the 11th mention, but it gets absolutely hilarious by the 37th. Also used to great effect by the Family Guy.
So see your real problem was that you didn’t do enough.
Posted by Mom101 on March 16th, 2009.
Matthew, buddy, are you, like, DEAD?
I’m starting to get a little concerned. Can you shoot up a flare?
Posted by Karen on March 19th, 2009.
wow, this post was so bad that you quit blogging? Dude, the rest of your posts have been awesome… don’t quit over this!
(j/k, no doubt you have other stuff going on in life besides this blog… hope all’s well)
Posted by anon on March 22nd, 2009.
Twittering, though not without its attraction, is no replacement for the supremely talented DY blog author writing actual DY blog posts where actual paragraphs occur! Please come back to us…
Posted by Julie on March 23rd, 2009.
Are you kidding me, man? You’re okay with twittering, but you’re abandoning a blog that’s kept me laughing with warm-hearted spirit for years? FOR SHAME. You’re not dead, just an absentee blogger. FOR SHAME.
Posted by The Flash on March 24th, 2009.
Now it’s been a month. A MONTH. I feel like Tom Hanks on the island, with no Wilson. Counting the days. Unshaven. Slowly going mad.
I kid, of course–I really hope everything’s all right.
Posted by Karen on March 26th, 2009.
I think Chris Knight must have found you and killed you.
Posted by MelissaInAz on March 27th, 2009.
Great site.
Posted by rajkumar on March 30th, 2009.
Great site.
Posted by rajkumar on March 30th, 2009.
Please come back. Craig’s been playing “What BAC do I need to wake up with a new defective yeti post?” and I don’t think I can take much more.
Posted by Craig's Liver on March 30th, 2009.
I will be drunk before I put on that AXE crap
Posted by Cyber Rainbow on June 19th, 2009.