Beer -> Goggles

I had a bit too much to drink last night, and woke up this morning wearing socks. I never wear socks to bed.

But socks tell me that my blood alcohol concentration last night wasn’t too high … no more that 0.05, probably. In fact, on any given morning I can usually determine what my BAC was the night prior based solely on what I’m wearing when I wake.

Wake Up Wearing BAC
Socks 0.05
Pants 0.10
Jacket and shoes 0.15
Axe Bodyspray 0.18
No clothing / eyebrows whatsoever 0.20
Boxer shorts (not own) 0.22
Henna tattoo of Rainn Wilson 0.24
Half-eaten nacho hat 0.26
Members Only jacket / parachute pants / untied Converse / sweater draped around shoulders / Nintendo Power Glove 0.28
Bar napkin with home address written on it safetypinned to earlobe 0.30
Miss Celibate Teen Lewis County sash and tiara 0.33
Handcuffs and alcohol-monitoring anklet 0.38
Wheedle costume 0.38
Sheet, identifying tag 0.40

Update: I posted the above to Twitter, with each BAC its own Tweet. I’d done this before with the Typical Reaction to the Revelation That I Do Not Own a Cell Phone, By Year list, which was fairly well-received. But the lesson learned today, I think, is that 10 items on your Twitter list is pretty much the absolute maximum before your followers start to hate you. (When I put out a call for suggestions, chris_knight replied “how about stop?”)

Still, some folks chimed in with some great additional entries. Here are a few:

Wake Up Wearing BAC All-Around Great Person
Torn karate outfit / peanut butter stains 0.17 pfostpfilms
Mesh sleeveless shirt 0.183 bklynjudith
Full beard 0.20 savagegus
Eye shadow 0.22 wendelldotme
Jodhpurs and gold lame’ blouse 0.25 golux13
Nadya Suleman 0.30 illonia
“I voted for G.W. Bush” button Alcohol poisoning cybersherpa
Raccoon blood on pillow* Nick Nolte chilcote

* Not really something worn, but the judges will allow it.

If you have a suggestion, reply to this Tweet.

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28 comments.

  1. would that be chris knight of the brady bunch, or chris knight of new kids on the block?

  2. pansy: “chris knight of the brady bunch, or chris knight of nkotb”
    bwahh haa haa haa ha….

  3. I think it’s Chris Knight of Real Genius.

  4. I looked at Mr. Knight’s tweets – I’ll take your lists over his any day.

    In fact, your next list should be ‘what number of things do I have to list before chris_knight stops following me?’.

    Then just start tweeting ‘1’, ‘2’, ‘3’, …

  5. There was no Chris Knight in New Kids on the Block. Jonathan and Jordan, but no Chris.

    I too thought of Real Genius.

  6. Thank you for continuing with the blog; Twitter is blocked at my place of work and I need your posts.

  7. Funniest thing I’ve read this week. Thanks.

  8. I heart your lists … don’t stop the insanity!

  9. Please convince Doug Benson of this.

  10. In my defense I really thought most of them were funny but it started going downhill, and you were blowing up my computer with messages. Small price to pay I suppose for a good laugh.

    I almost spit out my drink at the Axe Body Spray.

  11. I once woke up with two pair of underware on.

    I wonder if some one was telling me something?

  12. I am not sure there is anything more pathetic than someone blogging his tweets.

  13. I can think of at least one thing more pathetic.

  14. Oh! Oh, Rob, me too! I know this one! Is it “People who wear those (as seen on TV) Snuggie Blanket things without a hint of irony”?? That’s it, right?

    No?

    Oh, riiiight. You meant…yeah, no, I totally see that. It’s a good answer, too.

  15. I woke up alone in the back yard of my buddy’s house after a particularly wild party, fully clothed from the waist up(to include jacket)and naked from the waist down.

  16. I miss you. Come back to us, Matt.

  17. Great Post….

    You should also have a DSL (Drunken Stupor List) not to be confused with the other more inappropriate acronym. DSL is a list of who you would wake up with depending on your alcohol consumption.

    adding a link on my page to your blog if you don’t mind.

  18. Chris Knight is missing the ingenious rule of 37s by which something may be annoying on the 11th mention, but it gets absolutely hilarious by the 37th. Also used to great effect by the Family Guy.

    So see your real problem was that you didn’t do enough.

  19. Matthew, buddy, are you, like, DEAD?

    I’m starting to get a little concerned. Can you shoot up a flare?

  20. wow, this post was so bad that you quit blogging? Dude, the rest of your posts have been awesome… don’t quit over this!

    (j/k, no doubt you have other stuff going on in life besides this blog… hope all’s well)

  21. Twittering, though not without its attraction, is no replacement for the supremely talented DY blog author writing actual DY blog posts where actual paragraphs occur! Please come back to us…

  22. Are you kidding me, man? You’re okay with twittering, but you’re abandoning a blog that’s kept me laughing with warm-hearted spirit for years? FOR SHAME. You’re not dead, just an absentee blogger. FOR SHAME.

  23. Now it’s been a month. A MONTH. I feel like Tom Hanks on the island, with no Wilson. Counting the days. Unshaven. Slowly going mad.

    I kid, of course–I really hope everything’s all right.

  24. I think Chris Knight must have found you and killed you.

  25. Great site.

  26. Great site.

  27. Please come back. Craig’s been playing “What BAC do I need to wake up with a new defective yeti post?” and I don’t think I can take much more.

  28. I will be drunk before I put on that AXE crap