Clothing Makes the Man

I neglected to do laundry over the weekend, and was down to the dregs of my wardrobe on Monday morning. But after reviewing my mental calendar I realized it didn’t matter: I had no work meetings scheduled and would, in all likelihood, sail through my day without interacting with anyone. So I struggled into old moss-green and thoroughly pilled sweater, one that had shrunk so much over a decade of washing that it now just barely reached my beltline, and was so tight that if felt like a full-torso blood pressure monitor.

It wasn’t until the afternoon that I remembered that I had agreed to meet my friend L. after work for a drink. I thought about going home first to change, but then decided not to bother. I’ve known L. forever, and it was going to be dark in the bar anyhow, so it’s not as if anyone would notice or care.

As predicted L. didn’t say a word when I removed my jacket at the tavern, and we chatted for a few minutes before our waitress arrived to take our food order. I settled on the Italian sausage and red pepper sandwich.

“What do you want as the side?” she asked. “You can have salad, or the soups today are minestrone, cream of potato, and clam chowder.”

“I’ll go for the chowder,” I said, adding, after a moment’s reflection, “I am probably the first person in the history of the world to order an Italian Sausage sandwich with clam chowder. Could you guys name that combination after me?”

“Sure,” the waitress said. “We’ll call it ‘The Sweaterboy’.”

* * *

20 comments.

  1. This post kinda cries out for a photograph, if it’s a true story.

  2. So glad to be able to read your posts again!!! it’s been awhile but I always am entertained and check my aggregator for your updates daily!

  3. Ouch. Minimum wage ownage.

  4. Yes, but did she say is ADMIRINGLY??

  5. I’m going to assume that your friends name isn’t really “L.” because if it then that a really hilarious coincidence.

  6. That is awesome!

    When can I get that sweater back?

  7. Yup. Screenshot or it didn’t happen.

  8. And you have a nice clean sweater hanging in the laundry room for weeks…

  9. pure awesome. waitress has chops. boom shakalaka!!

  10. I hope you left a nice tip, she definitely earned it!

  11. I also vote that a picture of said sweater needs to be included here, or else this story is henceforth fictional.

  12. Why, I had Italian sausage sandwich and clam chowder for lunch, that very same Monday. It was at Rosa’s in Pismo Beach and it was delicious! Clearly, this is a gustatorial innovation whose time has clearly arrived. You may not have been the first, but your insight and wisdsom in recognizing the significance of this culinary paradigm shift should not go unacknowledged. I for one will now happily order “The Sweaterboy” whenever I have the opportunity!

  13. Welcome back, Matthew.

    I was worried that you had drunk yourself to death, and woke up wearing a casket.

  14. Common! Show us the picture of the sweater and let us be the judge XD Now you just made me realize to check if my laundry is done.

  15. [this is good]

    yes, picture.

  16. This is an awesome story!

    A fellow Seattleite really wants to know where you were eating… :)

  17. OK, I know you will probably never see this comment but I thought you *might* enjoy this movie review.

    It’s sort of a bad movie review in reverse–the whole ‘this movie is so bad it’s good’ thing:

    http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=74144081251&h=W05mz&u=7O5xY&ref=nf

  18. Did you see George Will mouthing off about

    a.) how no one should wear denim
    b.) men shouldn’t leave the house unless they are wearing something Fred Astaire would wear
    c.) women should follow Grace Kelly’s example?

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/15/AR2009041502861.html

    I like Fred Astaire as much as the next guy but Sweaterboy might have more of a life.

  19. COME BACK TO US YETI!!! Your people need you!! :-(

  20. A COSSSSSBY SWEATAH.