Swine Flu Threat Level Raised to Phase 11

WASHINGTON D.C. - Cough! Cough cough! One sec. Cough! Cough cough! Ahem. Aherem. Okay.

The World Health Organization raised the H1N1 threat level from Phase 5 to Phase 11 this morning, indicating cough! Indicating that there are now documented cases of website-to-human transmission of the disease commonly known as "Swine Flu". The level was raised cough! cough! Cough cough! Jesus Chri-cough cough cough! Hang on. Cough! Cough! Ahrm.

The level was raised after 41 people contracted the virus from various domains, including 23 confirmed infections from Facebook. Epidemiologists ahrrrrm warn that "social networking" sites such as Twitter are common vectors for Phase 11 diseases due to the large numbers of people connected hrrrr, connected by hrrm, cough! Connected cough cough cough!

The WHO also recommended that citizens avoid websites that cough! Cough cough cough cough cough cough! That show signs cough! Cough cough cough! I'm so sorry about--cough! Cough cough cough! cough cough! Is it like hot in here or is it just me?

16 thoughts on “Swine Flu Threat Level Raised to Phase 11

  1. Did you know that “kuk” is a rude word for male genitalia in Swedish?

    Raises the giggle factor if you happen to speak Swedish.

  2. Dude, this is one of the funniest takes on the Swine Flu Panic of 2009 that I have seen. Thanks for the laugh. Cough, cough, oh shi…cough, cough…

  3. Nigel: Well, it’s one more panic, innit? It’s not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be panicking at ten. You’re on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you’re on ten on your pandemic scale. Where can you go from there? Where?
    Marty: I don’t know.
    Nigel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
    Marty: Put it up to eleven.
    Nigel: Eleven. Exactly. One more scary.
    Marty: Why don’t you just make ten more scary and make ten be the top number and make that a little more scary?
    Nigel: [pause] These go to eleven.

  4. great, that means i probably got it from your twitter,[cough hack cough] thank you so much,[sniffle, dying goose sound] well, there goes my weekend voluteering at that kissing booth…cough cough… so cold, lips chapped…[cough] i regret nothing!

  5. Now that the fright level is raised to 11, it’s time to give some serious consideration to the most dire of all outcomes. If you happen to contract a case of Swine Flu that results in your promotion to glory,will your last words be “Th-th-th-that’s all, folks.”

  6. @kuk kuk urk — spits blood — must be yours:

    Alistair Crowley commonly substituted the word “blood” for “semen” in his writings, which now completes, I think, the thread begun with Swedish “kuk.”

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