Haircut 2.0

I got a professional haircut today. This was my first since … oh, dunno. Like May of 2003, I reckon? (Yay blog)

When I told the stylist on the phone that I hadn’t been to a barber in six years, she gasped in alarm. “I don’t have six years of hair,” I added. Even so, she continued to sound flummoxed. I think the mere idea that someone would go for so long without an authentic haircut was, to her, like someone going six years without bathing, or having never seen en episode of Gossip Girl (of which I am also guilty (the not showering thing, I mean–love that Gossip Girl)).

I received much the same reaction when I arrived at the salon. You know that scene in suspense movies, where the guy who has been shot twice in the abdomen staggers into an emergency room and the staff like shoves aside elderly people with pneumonia and rush to his aid? It was kind of like that, except with less exaggeration for comedic effect.

They wouldn’t even give me a haircut at first; I had to go through a “consultation”. The stylist who drew the short straw came out and asked me a number of questions only slightly less than that found on the LSAT. To each I provided the same reply: “just do whatever you think is best.” At one point she even asked me if I wanted “a clipper and scissors cut or just clippers” and I explained that this was like me asking my grandfather if he wanted his email delivered via POP or IMAP. Haha, just kidding. Actually I said, “just do whatever you think is best”.

(ASIDE: My sextennial haircuts are not the only time this drives me nuts. When I go into a deli, why can I not just order a turkey sandwich and get a g.d. turkey sandwich, instead of having to approve or deny each and every member of kingdom Plantae? NO ONE WANTS BUTTERNUT SQUASH ON A TURKEY SANDWICH DONT EVEN ASK!! I appreciate that they are trying to “make it my way” or whatever, but after the third time I have unconditionally delegated any and all turkey-sandwich-making authority to the guy behind the counter, it’s time for the questions to end. Call me crazy, but I presume that someone who makes sandwiches eight hours a day has a mental model of “turkey sandwich” that is closer to the Platonic ideal of Turkey Sandwich than I could ever fathom, and should therefore be Team Captain for this particular enterprise.)

Eventually the stylist put me in a reclining chair and lowered the back of my head into a basin, and I began to worry that there might be some waterboarding in my immediate future if I didn’t cough out some specifics, so I said, “give me the most stylish haircut I can have and not get fired from my corporate job”, and then she kind of went blank for a moment, apparently querying the Stylist Hivemind Database, and when she returned a moment later she said, “okay, I’ve got it”, and that was the end of the questions. Then I got a scalp massage. So it all worked out.

By the way, I didn’t go to the appointment completely unprepared. Yesterday I had this conversation with my wife:

Me: How should I get my hair cut?

The Queen: I like it short on the sides and a little long in the front. And short in the back.

M: Okay.

Q: And you look good with a beard. Like, not a full beard, but a closely cut beard.

M: …

Q: What?

M: You are just describing that photo.

Q: What photo?

M: The photo on the fridge. Of me, in the tuxedo, from that wedding? In like 1998? The only time in my life I have ever had a beard?

Q: Oh yeah. I guess I am.

M: So to be clear: you are not giving me actual haircut suggestions, you are just saying that you want me to look 10 years younger.

Q: That would be perfect, yes.

Update: Jeezum crow, the blogarazzi got aggressive in my absence. HERE YOU GO JACKALS!!

IMG_0560

For reference, this is what it looked like three weeks ago:

So I’m going to call it an improvement.

Yes, I am well aware that I need to write a Halloween postmortem.

* * *

39 comments.

  1. Dude, pictures!

  2. Dude, seriously.

    You can’t reference an old post that has a photo, which in turns even references another photo, and then NOT post a photo on the new post.

    God.

  3. At least a butternut squash photo, come on!

  4. All these people are right. What the hell kind of haircut did she give you? Spill it!

  5. And it certainly can’t have a picture of Deities and Demigods in it. Bonus points if you are reading the old school DM’s Guide in the next picture.

  6. I seems like you were really into this story, giving plenty of detail and fun banter. Then you abruptly cut it off with a comment from your wife and include no picture.

  7. This post makes it apparent, at least to me, that you should not blog about hair until you are aware of hair blogging protocol. This is not acceptable.

  8. pics or it didn’t happen

  9. Not cool, man. Not cool.

  10. It’s apparent that you have been fortunate enough never to have worked in the service industry. As someone who’s done time at Subway, Wendy’s, and other such establishments, I assure you that nigh on every time a customer has left his order entirely at my discretion, he has complained afterward that he didn’t get what he wanted. After the nth time someone’s purported faith in you has directly translated to you doing the same job twice (the second time sans onions), you become wary of those who defer to your expertise.

  11. I looked at that old pic of you from 2003. Holy crap, you look exactly like Squirrely!

  12. I am totally with you on the sandwich thing. I refuse to go to Subway any more because I can’t go in and say “give me the Italian special”. As you say, they ask whether I want every ingredient. Even though there’s a picture of it on the wall. Last time I was there they asked if I wanted cheese. I pointed and said “I want that”. Did I want onions? I pointed and said “I want that”. Did I want olives? I said “I don’t know, are those olives in the picture?” I’m just going for a sandwich, not an interview.

  13. It took me 38 years to learn how to ask for a haircut. Next time you get a haircut, say this, “Give me a one on the side and a four on top.”

    Also, if you get a haircut you like, ask the barber what to ask for in order to get the same haircut next time.

  14. Weird. I got my hair cut today too. I think I can call it my first professional cut in six months, because the last two people I paid to do it were clearly amateurs.

  15. Way to energize the economy!

    I got my last pro cut on the eve of my latest job interview (three years ago), and I’m a chick. Got the job, went back to the RoboCut.

  16. Dude, did she give you HIGHLIGHTS???

  17. Kiefer? is that you? We need you on set.

  18. Choices are overrated. Viva La Revolucion!

  19. Three weeks ago you looked like you belonged in the 70s, which was perfect if you were trick-or-treating as Shaggy of Scooby Doo fame. Otherwise, yikes.

  20. Guy sits down at a barber shop and the stylist asks how he wants his hair cut. The guy says “too long on one side, too short on the other and crooked in back.” The stylist goes “I couldn’t do that to you!” The guy resonds, “Funny, you cut it just like that the last time.”

  21. Ha. I heard a similar one. Guy goes into a salon for his first haircut in a while. The stylist takes one look at him and says, “wow, you need your hair cut badly.” Guy says, “no thanks, that’s how you cut it last time.”

  22. Dieties and Demigods!? Haha…I think I memorized that book along with Monster Manuals 1 & 2 just so I could screw with the DM and know every creatures weakness. Does that make me a loser?

  23. What’s the occasion?

  24. I believe we need to see the refrigerator photo, as well. You know, the one in the tuxedo, where you were at that wedding.

  25. Dude. You got a little Jack Bauer going on with that new haircut.

  26. You are a handsome, handsome man!

  27. The new haircut is surprisingly great! The way it was a few weeks ago….gah….you looked like a Shaggy reject. Should dressed the squiggle up as Scooby Doo.

  28. OMG – I just saw the book you were holding. You WERE a Shaggy reject.

  29. To Sara, The occasion is that the Yeti is coming here for Thanksgiving dinner. “Nuff said!

  30. That haircut – what an improvement! I hope you tipped her extravagantly. She earned it.

  31. Aren’t you meant to be filming the next installment of 24 at the moment?..

  32. [...] Haircut 2.0 – Read the 5th paragraph. Dude is a comic genius. [...]

  33. I second Geeky’s Jack Bauer-esque-ness comment!

  34. You handsome devil. The haircut is definitely a big improvement. Yes, Shaggy is handsome in his own way, but I think the new look will be attractive to both Velma and some others as well (like the Queen for instance). Nice work!. Will it be another six years before the next haircut? The scalp massage is worth a lot in my opinion.

  35. Jack Bauer > Prince Valiant. A lot.

  36. Wow! Three weeks ago you were a little boy in a Halloween costume. An amazing transformation indeed!

  37. Your picture looks exactly like the one on http://my. I will now be looking for you in the cafeteria.

  38. Haha. When I went in to get my hair cut (at a school) from mid back length to shoulder length, the girl said “Oh wow! That’s a lot of hair, you know?”
    ” Yeah I do! Well, can’t you cut that much off?” lol. She did, and it turned out great, but it was funny to get that reaction.

  39. Damn you. Now I want a turkey sandwich slathered with butternut squash.

    This may be more difficult to find than was previously implied.

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