I just watched The Road while on the trainer. If the biathlon was “cycling and sobbing”, I’d be in Canada right now wearing a bronze at least.
While consoling me immediately afterward, The Queen said, “I am not laughing because you are crying. I am laughing because you smell terrible.”
The moments between realizing your fingers smell like bacon and remembering that you prepared bacon that morning are among the most terrifying known to man.
Toyota suffered yet another setback today, as it was forced to recall all remaining models due to faulty chick magnets. "We've received numerous complaints about the complete lack of arousal induced by our dependable, fuel-efficient vehicles," said Shotaro Kamiya, spokesman for the beleaguered automotive company. "The panty-dropping capacity of our products falls far short of our standards, and for that we apologize."
Owners are urged to bring their vehicle into local dealerships, where technicians will replace lithium-ion batteries with hemis, install chrome rims, and affix Truck Nutz to the underside of pickups.
Kamiya stressed that the recall was voluntary, and that no deaths were attributable to the defect. "But as no one has ever gotten laid in the backseat of a Yaris, no births are attributable either," he added. "We regret this senseless loss of life."
I’m not sure who should be more embarrassed in this scenario: the auto mechanic for leaving the car stereo set to “Warm 106.9″ when returning my Corolla, or me for listening to the station on the drive home and, upon hearing “Jessie’s Girl” classified as a “Soft Favorite”, exclaiming “that’s fucking BULLSHIT!!“
The 2010 Make-Yer-Own Oscar Pool Page is live. Go nuts: http://www.defectiveyeti.com/oscars.
If you encounter any errors or oddities, please drop me a line. I fix most errors immediately so, if you discover a bug, don’t assume it’s already been reported: you’ll probably be the first.
The 2010 Make-Yer-Own Oscar Pool Page will be live next Monday, February 8th.
For a list of other projects I am currently working on, please check back tomorrow.