Halloween Postmortem, 2010

I spent Halloween this year as I have many others: sugar-high and wide awake in bed, staring at the ceiling until 4 AM, and vowing to rid the world of the evil geniuses behind Banana Laffy Taffy. That stuff seriously needs to stop existing. The first nation to weaponize Banana Laffy Taffy will have its boot on the throat of the world.

Prior to that we were at the home of our friends on Capitol Hill, as has become our tradition in recent years (2008, 2007). They live in the epicenter of a three block area that kind of goes nuts for the holiday, giving out obscene amounts of candy, larding their homes with decorations, and even setting up special attractions such as “Haunted House!” and “Dude Dismembering Other Dude with a Chainsaw on the Front Lawn!” (Protip if you decide to do DDODwaCotFL: using a real chainsaw makes for great sound effects, but also leaves your entire home cloaked in a incapacitating cloud of gasoline fumes. That’s still less toxic than Twizzlers, admittedly.)

Squiggle went as a fireman.

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I wanted to dress as something that would go along with his outfit, but– okay if we were talking in person, this is the moment where I would shout “not a dalmatian!” because you’d be opening your mouth to say “dalmatian” and I only wear my dalmatian costume to Special Conventions, thanks.

I considered going as a burning building, but I was worried people would get the wrong idea (although it probably would have been fine, so long as I wasn’t clutching toy airplanes in my hands). Then I considered going as a “In Case of Emergency Break Glass” box. Then I realized that it was 5:43 PM on October 31st and we were late for our friend’s house.

In the end I decided to go as Sexy Technical Writer. All I had to do is wear my work clothes.

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We took Squig trick-or-treating for about an hour, threw him in bed, and then manned the battlestations for the remainder of the evening. Overall we had somewhere in the vicinity of 1500 visitors, as evidenced by this photo in which you can make out nothing whatsoever:

Street Crowd

Lots of witches this year, perhaps to compensate for Christine O’Donnell’s loss. Lots of Iron Men. Lots of pre- and post-adolescent girls with kitty ears and whisker facepaint. In fact, the latter was in such abundance that I’m going declare “cat” to be “not even a costume anymore”. Halloween Cat Costume joins the ranks of Christmas Target Gift Card as the hallmark of someone who’s not even trying.

Fortunately, there was no shortage of unMAZING costumes as well. This was my favorite:

Toaster: Before

Toaster: After

Here is an eyeball. And a board game.

Eyeball

Scrabble

This girl had both a beautiful costume and a comical series of mishaps while on our porch. She accidentally dumped out some of her candy, and then accidentally dumped out the rest of her candy while bending over to retrieve the previously dumped candy, and the whole debacle culminated in her ripping off her own arm after ensnaring a claw in a giant artificial spider web. Imagine The Little Mermaid as directed by Lars von Trier.

Crab (?)

I dislike the trend of young girls dressing as sluts for Halloween. That said, I am perfectly fine with them dressing as S.L.U.T.s.

S.L.U.T.

Here is Shaun White. And his snowboard.

Shaun White & Snowboard

These kids showed up on the porch and I said “are you John F. Kennedy and Jackie O?” and they said “yes”.

JFK & Jackie

That happened exactly one time, by the way: where I thought (but wasn’t sure) I knew who a youngster was supposed to be, and hazarded a guess, and was right. Every other time I’d be like, “are you Harmony from the Bugaloos?” and the kid would roll her eyes and deign to inform me that, no, she was some tertiary character from book 9 of a 21 novel fantasy/anime/horror/romance series for young adults that I had never heard of, after which I would promptly die of old age.

Wait. I take that back. There were a few other kids dressed in recognizable (to me) outfits:

Jazzercizers

This group played “Let’s Get Physical” on a Walkman the size of a briefcase and performed a jazzercise routine for our benefit. We gave them all the remaining candy and some wine coolers.

All and all another successful year, if success is measured by the number of candy wrappers I pulled out of my jacket pocket during a work meeting the following morning. (Seriously, I was like a magician producing scarves.) And if I start now, I can probably complete that burning building costume in time for Thanksgiving. Good times.

Thriller
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12 comments.

  1. [...] After reading Matthew Baldwin’s Halloween postmortem, all I’ve got to say is, my neighborhood really needs to step it up a little. This entry was [...]

  2. I’m glad the yeti is back. Very creative neighbors you got there, what state do you live in?

  3. Ohh, Seattle, I should RTFM before I ask dumb questions. **slaps cowboy hat on side of leg**

  4. Scrabble Girl has *terrible* letters.

  5. It’s stuff like links to the S.L.U.T. wiki page that keep me coming back, you know.

  6. Are you back for real, or is this just a teaser to get me all excited and then you’ll disappear into thin air again? Please don’t disappoint me. Keep up the good work! Hey, what happened to the vending machine blog? Which item scared you into submission?
    Also, aren’t many of those trick or treaters kinda long in the tooth?

  7. Great to see you back again!

  8. Also worth checking out are these photos from Zombies Inc, one of the houses down the block:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/michaelholden/sets/72157625292769664/with/5138172852/

  9. Wow! Fun to read, thanks. Was this anywhere near Madrona’s Trick or Treat House? My friends went there, sounded like the same thing.Or is this the crazy block of (I think) 15th/16th Ave E? We used to stay away from there as too scary, but my 6 year old is ready for it for next year I think….

  10. I skipped Halloween this year. So I’ll count reading this funny post as my celebration. I live in one of those boring towns where trick-or-treating is over-regulated (designated hours before dusk, kids only allowed to go to houses where the owners are out on their porch waiting for them to walk up). Boring and whimpy Halloween. Great pics.

  11. Matthew, so nice to see you writing again, espcially with lines like the magician pulling candy wrappers out of our pockets like scarves. Really good stuff.

  12. [...] disqualified me. But then, a week in, I remembered that I had shaved on October 31 as part of my Sexy Technical Writer costume, and had yet to do so again. Still in the game! Granted, “Neglect to engage in basic grooming [...]

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