I went to my 7 o’clock dental appointment this morning, only to discover that the hygienist assigned to me was AWOL. The rest of the staff was fluttering around in a panic without her. Finally the actual DDS came in to take care of me, but he lacked many of her core competencies, foremost among them the ability to make distracting small talk while scraping tarter. His opening gambit was, “So uhhhh … So uh how is, how is summer treating you so far?”

Speaking of terrible openers, “if I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”–a classic pickup line that has been successfully deployed exactly zero times in the history of mankind–has been slightly reworded (presumably to avoid charges of plagiarism from Larry Dallas) and pressed into service as the chorus of this new and dreadful pop song:

I look forward to the other singles from this album, including “Should I Call You in The Morning or Nudge You?” and “Do You Want to Go Back to My Dorm Room and See My Record Collection But You Know if You Don’t Want to That’s Totally Cool (ft. Timbaland)”.

(And no, this is not kneejerk hatin’ on Britney Spears–the track is well and truly awful. Even this song is better, by an order of magnitude. And anyway, I didn’t even know Spears was the artist until I went looking for the video on Youtube. My default assumption was Weird Al.)

5 thoughts on “Icebreakers

  1. Oh, man. I can even get behind some unironic trashy pop, just because sometimes low-quality four-chord Auto Tune can be fun in its blankness. But this track is just harrowing.

  2. Hygienist conversation is a delicate art. The last time I went, the woman I saw went to the other extreme and made unbearable, ignorant, inflammatory, opinion-loaded, comments the entire time. …Like, the kind of comments that ensured my muteness and open jaw had nothing at all to do with the implements. My current plan is to inquire which days she is working and conveniently not be able to make it at those times from now on.

  3. I’m pleased to say that the Britney Spears song was written by a young woman from Seattle who is cleaning up this year writing #1 pop hits (“California Girls,” “Teenage Dream”). I’ve started thinking of her songwriting less in terms of good/bad and more in terms of effectiveness. Did it get stuck in your head and go to #1? Then Bonnie McKee did her job.

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