It’s that time of year again, people: time to send me links to the stupidest stuff available for purchase on Teh NetarWebs, for inclusion in my annual Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers. By way of example, here’s some entries from years past:
He has a framed portrait of Gene Roddenberry. He has a Federation uniform in every primary color. He has a spindled and stained Uhura standee in his closet that you try not to think about. He dismissed J.J. Abrams’s film as “noncanonical.” This year, give him the gift of sputtering rage with the Star Wars toaster. “You know, because you love Space Trek so much,” you will say as his neckbeard quivers with apoplexy. Weighing only 2.4 pounds, the Star Wars Toaster can be hurled at a window by even the most atrophied of muscles, where it will bounce ineffectually off the pane and land on the faux tribbleskin rug. “Next time you should throw it with more force,” you will gleefully chuckle. Man, you are kind of a dick.* * *
There was a time when “Yankee ingenuity” meant inventing an airplane or splitting the atom, but that was before the eighth season of Laverne & Shirley reduced our national IQ to just a smidge over π. The best we can do these days is to foist the world’s stupidest product on our former BFFs. Thus: Snuggie for Dogs!!! Yes, following on the heels of Binder Clip: For Cats!! and The Wire Season 3 DVD Box Set: For Ferrets!!, the makers of the all-fleece SfD!! would have you believe that shaving the hair off one animal and putting it on another isn’t just a hobby for the criminally insane. Still, if you know someone who (1) was dumb enough to have bought a Snuggie for themselves; and (2) refers to their mutt by some ridiculous portmanteau like “labradoodle” or “bullshihtz,” you probably can’t go wrong with this swatch of fastenable idiocy.* * *
When I was a wee lad, the toy I coveted above all others was the Star Wars X-Wing Fighter. Not only did the ship accommodate both the Luke Skywalker and the R2D2 action figures, but when you pressed a secret button on its aft, two bright-red, spring-propelled missiles would fire from its wingtips. This was truly the coolest item in the toy store—until some twerp induced a stroke in his great aunt by “accidentally” firing one of the missiles down her ear canal (“Great shot, kid. That was one in a million!”), thereby triggering a nationwide recall. WAY TO RUIN IT FOR EVERYONE, PETE BLAKESLEE OF AMIDON, NORTH DAKOTA!!! Of course, these were just tiny slivers of plastic; I can’t even imagine what’s going to happen when America’s youth get their filthy mitts on the The Rocket Fishingrod. “Blasts your lure over 30 feet,” boasts the website, leaving the subjunctive clause—“directly into the face of your sister”—unspoken. The first time an eight-year-old winds up with a hook ensnared in her uvula, they’ll probably revoke capitalism entirely. So buy now!
They just go on and on like that.
Send your suggestions to email@example.com, post them as comments to this post, or simply arrive at my household laden with the newest offerings from Chia Pet Incorporated.