My cat either has a hairball or is telling me to buy a kayak.
Whenever you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. Whenever you hear Bohemian Rhapsody, a DJ gets to pee.
My yoga studio will be called NOTHIN’ BUT CHILD’S POSE!
I like being a father because I can hang crude crayon drawings in my office without people realizing that they’re mine.
Email from my son’s teacher: “Friday is superhero day & costumes are encouraged”. For one glorious moment I thought I was reading work mail.
People who are chipper in the morning ought to be placed in one.
Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching. Take advice like it’s not stupid.
How much do you want to bet that the solar panels Obama is promoting are just refurbished death panels? #sotu
If I owned a coal mine I would spend every working hour calling up contractors and yelling, “Shaft … can you dig it?!”
I can’t get blood from a stone, but I can get toothpaste from a seemingly empty tube for about a month.