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Revenge is Also Best Served Cold

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Allan, a friend of mine in college, was in a neverending battle with the folks who lived in the dorm room adjacent to his. I never knew the specific dispute, but it was probably noise-related–his room and theirs shared a wall through which sound passed unimpeded.
One evening I stopped by Allan’s place as I headed off-campus. He and his neighbors had just had some sort of altercation, and he was livid as a consequence. Before we left he cued up the following track on his CD player and hit play. Then he turned the speakers around so they faced the shared wall, turned the volume up to 8, and set the stereo on “repeat track”. “Okay,” he said, “let’s go.”

When we returned several hours later, the music was off and his door was broken.

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Protip

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

If you are in a gas station convenience mart at 1:00 in the afternoon, and woman enters wearing a terrycloth bathrobe and slippers, having left a 1989 Chevy Blazer idling five feet from the front doors, it’s best not to position yourself between her and the cigarettes.

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Infinite Summer

Thursday, May 21, 2009

My summer project (and yours): infinitesummer.org.

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Autistic Trekdom

Friday, May 15, 2009

Today in The Morning News, I have an essay about J.J.Abrams’ new film: Autistic Trekdom. Contains no spoilers, by the way.

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The Office – Personas

Friday, May 8, 2009

Just for kicks I wrote a script for The Office. You can read the whole thing at http://www.defectiveyeti.com/theoffice/TheOffice-Personas.pdf.
I was inspired by two events, both of which took place in March. The first was an eight-hour Project Management seminar that I attended for work. At the end of the day I was reviewing my notes and realized I’d been handed an Office storyline.
The second was the series finale of Battlestar Galactica. As followers of The Office know, Dwight is a huge Battlestar fan, mentioning the program often.



I half-expected a subsequent episode of The Office to note the end of Battlestar, but it hasn’t happened yet. Thus, I decided to write my own.
“Personas” is set around the time in season five of The Office when BSG ended. Specifically, it falls between “Golden Ticket” (S05E17) and “New Boss” (S05E18). In other words:

  • Andy is on staff.
  • Toby is back.
  • Ryan is missing (supposedly in Thailand).
  • No one in the office is in a relationship, except Jim / Pam (engaged) and Andy / Dwight (mortal enemies).
  • The Charles Miner / “Michael Scott Paper Company” storyline has not yet begun.

One last thing. Forty pages struck me as pretty long for a 30 minute show, but “E-Mail Surveillance” and “The Carpet”–the two scripts of The Office I could find online (at http://www.dailyscript.com/tv.html)–clock in at 44 and 43 pages respectively, so I used those as a guide. Having never before written a script for an existing show, I figured I’d stick to precedent.
Anyway, here’s the teaser. I don’t really plan to do anything with this (it was more of an exercise than anything else), but if you have any feedback I’d love to hear it. You can email me at matthewbaldwin@gmail.com.
Update: Someone asked if this contains BSG finale spoilers. Actually, it contains no BSG spoilers whatsoever, so go nuts.

The Office
"Personas"

              COLD OPEN
      INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
      Michael is at the front of the room and the rest of the staff
      is paired up. Each group has a flipchart, on which they have
      jotted down descriptions of fictional people: names, ages,
      sexes, occupations, etc.
      PHYLLIS, paired with MEREDITH, is standing, addressing the
      room, wrapping up her presentation.
                     PHYLLIS
                Gerald's primary paper needs are
                eight by eleven white bond for the
                printer and number 10 security
                envelopes.
                     MICHAEL
                Excellent. Good work Phyllis.
                     MICHAEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                Personas are a top-level project
                management tool used by business
                experts around the world. 
      MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
                     MICHAEL
                What you do is you make up
                characters and pretend that they
                are your customers. And then you
                ask them for advice on how to
                improve. And that way you don't
                have to talk to real customers.
      INT. CONFERENCE ROOM  
      Dwight is completing his presentation. The flipchart looks
      like a Dungeon and Dragons character sheet, complete with
      stats on the left-hand side and a sketch of a barbarian.
      STANLEY, his partner, sits nearby, engrossed in his puzzle
      book.
                     DWIGHT
                ... when in a beserker rage,
                Rivenheart can attack twice per
                round but is unable to defend.
                     MICHAEL
                    (exasperated)
                Dwight, you -- Missing the point.
                Why does your persona need paper? 
                     DWIGHT
                He doesn't need paper. His history
                is written in the lamentation of
                his enemies.
                     MICHAEL
                Okay sit down. Just-- Sit down.
      Dwight does so as Michael wrestles with his irritation.
                     MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                Who's next? Jim and Kevin.
      KEVIN looks at JIM with a giddy smile; Jim nods confidently.
      Kevin stands and gestures at his flipchart, on which he has
      written a series of bulletpoints describing his persona.
                     KEVIN
                Our persona is "Mark L."
      His pronunciation of "Mark L." is almost identical to
      "Michael", and he pauses expectantly. When there's no
      reaction, he continues, struggling to maintain a straight
      face.
                     KEVIN (CONT'D)
                Mark L. is in his mid-40's. Single,
                no family, no girlfriend. Dead-end
                job as regional manager in a dying
                industry. This guy is going
                nowhere.
      Titters around the room as people recognize the gag. They are
      laughing with Michael, assuming he'll catch on at any moment. 
                     KEVIN (CONT'D)
                He tells a lot of bad jokes. His
                favorite is short, but he knows how
                to use it. 
      Jim hears his prearranged cue. 
                     JIM
                That's what she said!
      Michael laughs.
                     MICHAEL
                Good one, Jim! Nicely done. Okay
                Kevin, let's keep this moving.
      Kevin looks uncertain. 
                     KEVIN
                He's always walking around the
                office interrupting people's work
                with pointless stories. Or
                insensitive remarks. About their
                weight. And baldness ...
                     MICHAEL
                Ugch. Why would you even invent
                this guy?
      Kevin at a loss. Desperately trying to clue Michael in, he
      deviates from the flipchart.
                     KEVIN 
                Owns a "World's Best Boss" mug?
                Drives a Sebring? His birthday is
                March 15th? No, nothing?
      In a burst of inspiration, Jim leaps to his feet.
                     JIM
                I think Mark L.'s worst trait is
                his utter lack of self-awareness.
                He wouldn't even recognize a
                description of himself.
                    (beat; then slowly)
                Wouldn't even recognize a
                description ... of himself.
      Michael looks pensive for a moment, on the verge of
      realization. But then he shudders at his mental image of Mark
      and says:
                     MICHAEL
                And what are his paper needs?
                     KEVIN
                    (to Jim; accusatory)
                You said this would be funny.
                      END COLD OPEN

You can read the whole thing as either a PDF (best) or as HTML (with some lost of formatting). An .fdr files is also available upon request. Enjoy.

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Confidental to My Three Remaining Readers

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Not a whole lot of activity, here at the yeti. Still, I’m keepin’ myself busy:

  • I was quoted in a Washington Post article entitled Forget Germs. The Real Contagion Is Our Paranoia. I have a brief bit in the final few paragraphs. Man, I gave that reporter lots of good material–I wonder why she didn’t use it. Possibly because I confused her paper with the Wall Street Journal and asked if I should send a headshot for the stipple portraitist. (True story.)
  • I am providing color commentary for Friday’s Layer Tennis match. This will be my third time in the lime-green sportjacket–the previous two installments are here and yonder.
  • Tomorrow, in this very space, I’ll be posting something I recently wrote of which I am kinda proud. Stay Tuned!
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Swine Flu Threat Level Raised to Phase 11

Thursday, April 30, 2009

WASHINGTON D.C. - Cough! Cough cough! One sec. Cough! Cough cough! Ahem. Aherem. Okay.
The World Health Organization raised the H1N1 threat level from Phase 5 to Phase 11 this morning, indicating cough! Indicating that there are now documented cases of website-to-human transmission of the disease commonly known as "Swine Flu". The level was raised cough! cough! Cough cough! Jesus Chri-cough cough cough! Hang on. Cough! Cough! Ahrm.
The level was raised after 41 people contracted the virus from various domains, including 23 confirmed infections from Facebook. Epidemiologists ahrrrrm warn that "social networking" sites such as Twitter are common vectors for Phase 11 diseases due to the large numbers of people connected hrrrr, connected by hrrm, cough! Connected cough cough cough!
The WHO also recommended that citizens avoid websites that cough! Cough cough cough cough cough cough! That show signs cough! Cough cough cough! I'm so sorry about--cough! Cough cough cough! cough cough! Is it like hot in here or is it just me?

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The Bad Review Revue

Friday, April 3, 2009

Confessions of a Shopaholic: “If there is a single bright spot in the financial crisis, it is the possibility that one day producer Jerry Bruckheimer will run out of money.” — Jessica Reaves, CHICAGO TRIBUNE
Paul Blark: Mall Cop: “Looks like something stubbed out in an ashtray.” – Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: “Proving that there’s no statute of limitations on lousy ideas, director Andrzej Bartkowiakï’s attempted franchise expansion returns to the Capcom motherlode that produced the worst movie in the entire Jean-Claude Van Damme filmography.” — Jim Ridley, VILLAGE VOICE
Miss March: “A sex comedy that appears to have been made by people who’ve never actually had sex.” — Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE
Push: “Never stops finding new ways to make no sense.” — Cliff Doerksen, CHICAGO READER
Pink Panther 2: Honestly, I don’t think any review, no matter how negative, could deter you from seeing this film more than this image:

 

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Clothing Makes the Man

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I neglected to do laundry over the weekend, and was down to the dregs of my wardrobe on Monday morning. But after reviewing my mental calendar I realized it didn’t matter: I had no work meetings scheduled and would, in all likelihood, sail through my day without interacting with anyone. So I struggled into old moss-green and thoroughly pilled sweater, one that had shrunk so much over a decade of washing that it now just barely reached my beltline, and was so tight that if felt like a full-torso blood pressure monitor.
It wasn’t until the afternoon that I remembered that I had agreed to meet my friend L. after work for a drink. I thought about going home first to change, but then decided not to bother. I’ve known L. forever, and it was going to be dark in the bar anyhow, so it’s not as if anyone would notice or care.
As predicted L. didn’t say a word when I removed my jacket at the tavern, and we chatted for a few minutes before our waitress arrived to take our food order. I settled on the Italian sausage and red pepper sandwich.
“What do you want as the side?” she asked. “You can have salad, or the soups today are minestrone, cream of potato, and clam chowder.”
“I’ll go for the chowder,” I said, adding, after a moment’s reflection, “I am probably the first person in the history of the world to order an Italian Sausage sandwich with clam chowder. Could you guys name that combination after me?”
“Sure,” the waitress said. “We’ll call it ‘The Sweaterboy’.”

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The Student Bulletin Prank of 1989

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Twenty years ago my high school produced a daily “Student Bulletin”. These were distributed to all classrooms, and some anointed student would read the bulletin aloud to all assembled. Typical items in the bulletin included reminders of upcoming events, announcements of policy changes, and congradtulations to students for notable (and often routine) accomplishments.
At some point, I and two chums (one of whom was the aforementioned Jamie Babcock) decided to pull an April Fools Day prank. We cooked up our own version, using the header from a purloined copy of an actual Student Bulletin and my ancient manual typewriter . The typeface of my typewriter was almost identical to that which the school used, and to an uncritical eye our counterfeit looked almost indistinguishable to the real thing. At least until you read it.
I would love to say that we used some convoluted and ingenious method of insinuating the fake document into the school bulletin pipeline (and I guess I could, as this blog ain’t exactly fact-checked). Alas, it was not necessary for us to break into the building in the dead of night, or disguise ourselves as the members of Poison.
You see, the distribution system for the Student Bulletin was pretty rudimentary. The school secretary would produce enough photocopies for all the classrooms, and then just leave them in a pile on the office’s main desk during the break following second period. One “student leader” from each class would stop by, grab the top bulletin from the pile, and take it with them to period three.
So on March 31 of 1989 (April Fools Day fell on a Saturday that year) I strode into my school’s office with a stack of fake bulletins under a binder. I set the binder on the stack on real authetic student bulletins, looked around for a moment as if confused, picked up the binder (leaving the payload behind), and high-tailed it out of there. Success!
A few notes of context that will make the bulletin–well, not any funnier, but at least less mystifying:

  • The year prior the school had largely abandoned premade meals in the lunchroom in favor of a huge bank of vending machines, which sold everything from sandwiches to juice to ice cream cones. This new system was called “Cafe USA”.
  • Two student groups at the school were PAB (Positive Attitude Builders, who held pep rallies and whatnot) and the Wizards of Science.
  • The marching band would routinely sell carnations in the before Valentine’s Days, with the various colors of the flowers signifying different things.

Anyway, if you were in Mr. Bristol’s third period world history class that day, this is what you would have heard read aloud.

The Student Bulletin Prank of 1989
Click To Ginormosize

Coupla notes. First of all, how do you think a student-written document that has kids getting shot and a bomb under a teacher’s desk as its first two items would go over today? Still a laff riot?
Second, I think this definitively proves that my abysmal spelling is not a degenerative condition, but has been a travesty from birth (or at least 12th grade). If anything, my spelling has actually improved a bit over the last two decades. At least now I select the correct there / their / they’re slightly more than the 30% of the time that pure chance would dictate.

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