President Bush's program to export democracy to the Middle East reached fruition yesterday, as the last of America's dominant political philosophy was shipped to Manama. "Don't say I never gave you nuthin', Bahrain," Bush joked during a ceremony at a Washington D.C. "Ship 4 Less" outlet, during which he carefully placed the remaining democracy in a cardboard box filled with packing peanuts. After the parcel was sealed and given to a UPS deliveryman, Bush delivered some prepared remarks to commemorate the occasion. "The United States had democracy for over 200 years; it's time to let some other deserving nations have a crack at it," he said. "Nobody likes a democracy hog," he added to laughter. Bush vowed to continue his campaign to export liberty, and pledged to begin outsourcing the pursuit of happiness during his third and fourth terms in office.

Nebraska became the latest in a series of states "frontloading" the 2008 campaign season, rescheduling their presidential primary from its previous date of Feb. 26, 2008 to 1:30 this afternoon.

Chelsea Clinton did not accompany her mother, as she is currently campaigning in Utah in advance of their 2016 presidential primary, due to be held in April of next year.

I just saw a commercial on CNN. "50 Years Of Pop Culture," it said, "Thursday on CNN."

Either they are airing an hour-long retrospective on the last 50 years of pop culture, or, from today forward, they are going to spend 50 years focusing on pop culture. The latter would probably be easier for them, as it would require no change of format.

"The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter has been established, but who will become her pediatric dentist? Anderson Cooper investigates ... tonight!"

Last Friday I got email from my friend Phyllis Fletcher:

To: Matthew
From: Phyllis
Subject: Help--need jokes!!

I will represent KUOW at Town Hall's Seattle Follies, Thu April 26, 7:30PM. Send me some jokes!

Phyllis
 
 

* * *

 
 
To: Phyllis
From: Matthew
Subject: Re: Help--need jokes!!

How many Seattlites does it take to replace a light bulb?

One to propose replacing it with a traditional light bulb, one to propose replacing it with a energy-efficient fluorescent bulb, one to propose replacing it with a single candle in protest of the Iraq war, and 100,000 to vote on a non-binding referendum.

Matthew
 
 

* * *

 
 
To: Matthew
From: Phyllis
Subject: Re: Help--need jokes!!

Hahaha. But I will be delivering a fake newscast, so what I really need are jokey/satirical news items.

Phyllis
 
 

* * *

 
 
To: Phyllis
From: Matthew
Subject: Re: Help--need jokes!!

The Seattle City Council voted unanimously today to reappropriate the $4 billion currently earmarked for the 520 floating bridge replacement project. The funds will now be given to the research department of Blue Origin, to be used for the development of jetpacks and hoverboards. Richard Conlin, chairman of the council's state Route 520 committee, defended the decision, pointing out that the creation of such alternative commuter technology for crossing Lake Washington would likely require less time and prove more feasible than finding a 520 plan everyone can agree on.

Meanwhile, the Seattle chapter of NORML unveiled another 520 replacement proposal last Friday at the Hempfest benefit concert: the 420 floating bridge. The six-lane "high-way" would have a speed limit of 7 miles an hour and just kind of meander around aimlessly, without any real direction.

-----

In a recent memo to employees, CEO Howard Schultz said that Starbucks had "lost its soul". Schultz last remembers having the soul while visiting one of the Seattle-area coffeeshops, but is unable to recall which one; Starbucks personnel are currently searching the 850,000 downtown Starbucks outlets, an operation they expect to conclude by 2019. In the meantime, Starbucks patrons are asked to be on the lookout for nutty and aromatic soul with overtones of cocoa and a pleasingly complex aftertaste.

-----

After weeks of searching, The Bush Administration has finally found a candidate for the newly created position of War Czar. General Alexander Mullen accepted the offer earlier this morning, and immediately performed his one and only duty: accepted full responsibility for the bungled efforts in Iraq and offered his resignation. To the surprise of Rove, Cheney, and the others who had engineered the plan, Bush unexpectedly rejected Mullen's resignation, and vowed to resist all calls to let the General go. "The Mullman has been doing a heck of a job in his three hours of Czaring," the president said at an early afternoon press conference, "he's a good American, and I stand by him." Mullen--who was hastily given a cubicle, desk, and computer--is expected to play minesweeper until the troop pullout begins in January of 2009.

Matthew

Scott McClellan announced yesterday that he is writing a memoir, to be published next spring. In the book--which covers the former press secretary's childhood, entry into politics, and prominent position in the Bush Administration--McClellan will insist that he already addressed these topics in earlier statements, refuse to answer hypotheticals, and reiterate his longstanding policy of not commenting on his life while it is currently in progress.

Headline: Hillary Tapped Bill Earlier Than Expected

Haven't we already heard more than enough about Clinton's sex life?

Rates of clinical psychosis have skyrocketed amongst the residents of Innsmouth, Massachusetts over the last two weeks, says Wingate Peaslee, professor of psychology at Miskatonic University. "We see this every year," said Peaslee, "'March Madness,' as we call it--characterized by religious fervor, hydrophilia, and compulsive chanting--typically sets in around the spring equinox, and continues until Walpurgisnacht." The people of the malodorous and ill-shrouded coastal village tell a different story, though, attributing their exuberant behavior to the upcoming, semi-annual festival. "WOOHOO, Dagon's going all the way this year!" exclaimed Barnabas Marsh. "Cthulhu fhtagn, baby!" Others, however, were more skeptical of the hometown hero's chances. "I dunno," slurred Zadok Allen, "Shub-Niggurath fieldin a gud team, whut with her thousand young an' all. We'll be lucky to mak'it past the Eldritch Eight." Though gambling is illegal in Massachusetts, it is estimated that several thousand dollars worth of queer foreign jewelry, and the year's entire fish harvest, are riding on the outcome.
 

DARWIN'S GOD

In this article from the NY Times, Anthropologist Scott Atran argues that humans are hardwired to believe in the supernatural--a contention I agree with, despite the fact that I'm an atheist myself. But here's an anecdote Atran cites as proof:

[Atran's] research interests include cognitive science and evolutionary biology, and sometimes he presents students with a wooden box that he pretends is an African relic."If you have negative sentiments toward religion," he tells them, "the box will destroy whatever you put inside it." Many of his students say they doubt the existence of God, but in this demonstration they act as if they believe in something. Put your pencil into the magic box, he tells them, and the nonbelievers do so blithely. Put in your driver's license, he says, and most do, but only after significant hesitation. And when he tells them to put in their hands, few will.

If they don't believe in God, what exactly are they afraid of?

Under these circumstances, I, too, would be be wary of the professor's convoluted reassurances as to the safety of the box. That's called skepticism, not faith.

CLINTON DEMANDS OBAMA DENOUNCE DONOR'S REMARKS, HOWARD DEAN DEMANDS GOP CANDIDATES DENOUNCE ANN COULTER, etc.

The 2008 presidential race is as engrossing as "Mile two" of the Boston Marathon. "Oh my goodness, Giuliani has pulled within 30 feet of McCain. With only 24.1 miles to go, this has turned into a real nail-biter!"

Presidential campaigns are always ridiculous, but, nearly two years before the actual election, this one has already taken absurdity to a whole dumber level. The latest fashion in manufactured outrage is Candidate A demanding that Candidate B apologize for remarks made by Idiot C.

It's a trap, of course. If Obama apologizes for one of his donor's remarks, then he'll have to apologize for the remarks of all of them. If Romney denounces Coulter's latest comment, he is, in effect, saying "Coulter speaks for me, except in this isolated incident."

Several prominent bloggers, on both the left and the right, have made careers of reprinting the stupidest thing ever written by someone on the other side (usually the 113th comment, by someone named "TrueAmericanPatriot71," in a thread on freerepublic.com or democraticunderground.com) and saying "OMG this is what everyone who disagrees with us believes!!!" This practice appears to have percolated upward.

People said that blogging would transform politics. That prediction looks to be coming true.

CRITICS SAY US ATTORNEY FIRINGS POLITICALLY MOTIVATED

I was going to write a Sternly-Worded Email to NPR over a news story they ran last Thursday, but I can't seem to scare up the audio on their website (apparently "Top of the Hour" newscasts aren't publicly archived), which means that I have to recreate the offending passage from memory. And as my memory has more holes that 80's-era acid-washed jeans, my letter would basically come down to "I'd like to call your attention to piece of NPR reporting I have largely fabricated that MADE ME SO ANGRY!!"

Fortunately, I have a place for my wildly inaccurate and unreasonable screeds. It's called a "weblog," or, for short, my "eblo."

Anyway, on a story on the fired attorneys, the reporter said (something to the effect of):

Administration officials claim that that the attorneys were all dismissed for performance-related reasons; Democrats in Congress, however, say that six of the eight fired attorneys had recently received favorable evaluations."

Dear NPR: Did six of the eight fired attorneys recently receive favorable evaluations, or is this just something the Democrats in Congress "say"? If you don't know, why not do a little research and find out? If you know this to be true, (and you do, if you read the New York Times), why not state this as a fact?

I understand your desire to come across as balanced, but if one side in a debate makes a contention ("they were dismissed for performance-related reasons") and there is evidence that refutes the claim, you can't just ascribe it as an opinion of the other side and call the piece "objective." "Objectivity" doesn't mean "bending over backwards to accommodate both sides," it means "bending over backwards to accommodate reality."

ALSO THE WEEKEND PUZZLE IS WAY TOO HARD PLEASE INCLUDE SOME WORD SEARCHES

Sincerely,

Matthew Baldwin
Professional Ebloer

CLINTON FOCUSES ON WOMEN

Well, nothing new there.

Ohhh, Hillary Clinton ...

ASTRONAUT ACCUSED OF ATTEMPTED MURDER FREE ON BAIL

Nowak ordered to remain on Earth until arraignment

Last Friday, Momofuku Ando, inventor of instant ramen noodles and chairman of the company that makes Top Ramen, passed away. He was 96.

His body will be cremated in accordance with his wishes, and the ashes sealed into a tiny, square, foil packet.

BEACONSFIELD, Australia (CNN) -- Rescuers have freed two Australian gold miners who had been trapped underground in a steel cage since April 25, when a small earthquake triggered a rock fall in the Tasmanian gold mine where they worked. They have been getting oxygen, food, water and items such as magazines and iPods through a plastic pipe since they were found April 30 ...

Update: Piers Morgan spectulates as to the iPod playlist in the comments:

• Deeper Underground - Jamiroquai
• Final Shakedown - Groove Armada
• Bring The Boys Back Home - Pink Floyd
• Avalanche Rock - The Avalanches
• Lucky - Radiohead
• Cause A Rockslide - Badly Drawn Boy
• Waiting For The Worms - Pink Floyd
• Survival - Nightmares On Wax
• Alive And Kicking - Simple Minds
• From The Ritz To The Rubble - Arctic Monkeys
• Down In It - Tiga
• Rock Box - Run DMC
• Very, Very Hungry - Brian Eno & David Byrne
• Trapped - Colonel Abrams
• Disasters Are OK - Letting Up Despite Great Faults

Sark today sought to quell the growing controversy over his decision to grant the MCP control of several major ports throughout the region.

Sark, who has repeatedly denied having ties to the MCP, has insisted that the hand-over go through, and says that he will vigorously resist any effort to block it. But programs such as Yori are equally adamant that the deal be scuttled. "My User," she said, "have we already forgotten the lessons of 1000212400?"

BUNNY FOO-FOO ARRAIGNED ON CHARGES OF ASSAULT
Bodies of field mice found in forest
D.A. may seek goon penalty

CRYPTOLOGISTS CLOSE TO CRACKING 'FARMER'S DOG CIPHER'
Baffling code, in which letters are replaced by claps,
has confounded linguists for centuries
"We're pretty sure it's 'Bongo'," says expert

Judge John Roberts weathered another round of questioning today as his confirmation hearing entered its second day, but the controversal pick for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court left many senators frustrated and angry as he repeatedly declined to explicate his position on Logan v. Wayne.

Though questions regarding Logan v. Wayne dominated today's session, Roberts was also asked about about his views on civil rights, affirmative action, the limits of presidential power, and which Modest Mouse album kicked the most ass.

In a move that critics decried as "a slap in the face to a venerable institution," President George Bush today bypassed Congress and appointed Michael Bolton as ambassador to the UN. "As the winner of two Grammies and six American Music Awards, and as an artist who has sold over 52 million albums and singles worldwide, Michael Bolton is unique qualified to represent America's interests in the United Nations" Bush said during a public appearance with the aging "easy listening" maven. "He'll be more than just a reformer, he will also serve as the UN's 'Soul Provider'."

Bolton's nomination had been stalled for months, as Democrats threatened filibuster unless the White House blocked release of the upcoming "Best of the Bolton" album. Upon hearing the news, Senate Minority Leader Henry Reid blasted Bush's use of a recess appointment as "an outragous abuse of power" and derided Bolton as "a no-talent assclown."

ROVE SPENDS DAY RANDOMLY CALLING CHILDREN,
REVEALING IDENTITY OF HALF-BLOOD PRINCE

As his poll numbers continue to sag, Bush gave The Speech again today before a military audience at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, home to Airborne and special operations forces.

The next recitation of The Speech is scheduled for October 14th, 2005.

While John Bolton's confirmation as US ambassador to the United Nations remains uncertain, the senate today agreed to a straight up-or-down vote on the judiciousness of Bolton's mustache. "We have a constitutional duty to advise and consent Presidential nominees," said Susan Collins, R-Maine, one of the six senators who brokered the compromise, "and while we're waiting to consent, we figured we'd take a crack at advising." The vote, originally scheduled for this afternoon, was pushed back to Thursday after a rift opened between the senators advocating an "aggressive trim" and the so-called "Norelco sixty-two" who urge Bolton to make a clean shave of things. "The color doesn't even match his hair," said Sen. Mark Pryor, D-Arkansas, who counts himself squarely in the latter camp. "Does he somehow not know what it looks like?" Thought a vote seems all but inevitable, President George Bush continued to stand by Bolton's mustache, calling it "the right facial hair for the right lip." Also rallying to Bolton's defense was Sen. John McCain, who called the mustache "rather dashing" and is expected to cast the lone vote in favor of its retention in an effort to preserve his reputation as a maverick.

At a press conference earlier today, Ken Mehlman, chairman of the The Republican National Committee, announced "Crisis on US's Earth," an ambitious, year-long initiative to address the multitude of continuity errors George Bush and the Republicans in Congress have introduced into the GOP Universe.

Though not slated to begin until June, Mehlman's announcement that the initiative will "involve all the superstars of the GOP Universe, but not all will survive" has set off a flurry of speculation as to who will be written out of the post-Crisis world. The most prominent rumor states that Majority Leader Tom Delay will perish of a heart attack after running wildly around the floor of the senate, heroically disrupting a democratic filibuster.

News ... on the march!

Syrian Troops Say Farewell to Lebanon

Syria ended its 29-year military presence in Lebanon today with a farewell ceremony near their shared border ...

I can see the Syrians opening their "We'll Miss You!" greeting card and feigning delight at the enclosed $50 Applebees gift certificate, while Lebanonese duck in, grab plates of Safeway chocolate raspberry sheet cake, and start sidling toward the exit.

The Elves of Valinor, creators of the popular palantíri "browsers" used throughout Middle-Earth to view distant lands, announced today that the Seeing Stones contain a critical security flaw which could leave users open to attacks by malicious Dark Lords. The vulnerabilities, according to an ElviNor monthly bulletin, could permit malignant gods to monitor the location and activity of users, or allow persons peering into the Palantíri to be taken over and used to execute remote commands. ElviNor urged those in possession of a Palantír to contact the Order of the Istari and request a magical patch to address the problem. Critics, meanwhile, seized upon the announcement as further proof that ElviNor hardware is inherently insecure, and urged consumers to switch to reliable mithril products. Said Thorin III Stonehelm of Khazad-dûm, "you'll never get this kind shoddy craftsmanship from a dwarf."

Seeking to assuage fears amongst young Islamic extremists, top Al Qaeda officials vowed that the draft will not be reinstated if George W. Bush remains president of the United States. "We don't see the need, frankly, given the debacle in Iraq, the Abu Ghraib prison scandal, and the rising tide of anti-Americanism around the globe," said Al Qaeda spokesman Sulaiman Khayr at a press conference today. "A second Bush term should ensure ample recruits for our cause, and allow us to continue to fighting the War For Terror using an all-volunteer jihad." Khayr also cited the wide variety of terrorist organizations that have now joined forces in opposition to US policies, and expressed confidence that, if given four more years, Bush would continue to serve as a uniter, not a divider.

President George W. Bush and Senator John Kerry face-off tomorrow in a prime-time debate that may determine the outcome of the hotly-contested 2004 election.

This will be the only presidential debate of the campaign, but the vice-presidential candidates will meet on October 5. According to the agreement, Dick Cheney and John Edwards will each be allowed to make one "your mama's so fat" joke at the other's expense, and then the two will make light chit-chat over a catered dinner.

"ORAL HYGIENISTS FOR VERISIMILITUDE" SAY BUSH'S WARTIME FILLINGS FIXED "SELF-INFLICTED" CAVITIES

"George Bush was not honest about his flossing" claim dentists in explosive new ad

Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge authorized the elevation of the terror alert level to "high" Monday morning after watching Cujo on NBC's Fright Nite Theater. "Mr. Ridge contacted the President at 4:05 AM and said he was 'pretty freaked out,'" confirmed White House spokesman Scott McClellan in a press conference yesterday. "He couldn't provide specifics about an impending attack, but asked that we go to code orange and send some secret service guys to his house to spend the night." Speaking with reporters earlier today, Ridge admitted to being "jumpy" after watching the edited-for-television version of Stephen King's 1983 thriller, but nonetheless defended his decision as "completely justified." He urged Americans to remain vigilant and be on the lookout for suspicious activities or St. Bernards.

Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry rekindled a contentious election-year debate today, saying that he believes that beer begins at fermentation. The statement stands in stark contrast to the White House assertion that beer does not technically begin until its "born on" date.

Kerry has been dogged by allegations of "flip-flopping" on the subject of the world's greatest beverage since earlier this year, when he made his infamous and improbable claim that Miller Lite "is less filling, but also tastes great."

The Democratic National Committee, citing the "unfair advantage" accrued by the Bush campaign in the wake of Ronald Reagan's passing, today called on Bill Clinton to perish in late September or October of this year. "Oh c'mon, you finished your book. What do you have left to live for, Hillary?" asked DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe in a personal appeal to the 42nd President. "Help a brother out -- another Wellstone Memorial would be awesome." McAuliffe suggested to Clinton that he die by "running into a burning building to save a child" or "getting the shiv while thwarting a mugging" for maximum effect. He implored Clinton, however, to assiduously avoid those fatalities that in any way involve oral sex.

The Islamic paramilitary movement formerly known as Al-Qaida today announced that it would change its name to MusliMentum. "Right or wrong, the name 'Al-Qaida' has come to have negative connotations, perhaps due to our unrelenting campaign of nihilistic butchery," said MusliMentum spokesman Khalid al-Mihjim. "Countering this perception by renouncing the use of indiscriminate violence would, unfortunately, violate our mission statement. So, instead, we've decided to give ourselves a new name ... and a fresh start!"

The change is one element of a $4 billion rebranding effort on the part of the organization, which includes television commercials showing groups of sleepy cells smiling and planting trees, and the launch of a new slogan "MusliMentum: Barbarism For the 21st Century."

President George Bush, speaking at the Army War College in Carlisle, Pa. yesterday, unveiled a new twelve-step plan to address the deteriorating situation in Iraq.

The President, however, was unfazed by such criticism. "Don't worry," Bush reassured doubters, "I've done this before."

The Coalition of the Willing suffered another blow today as Eritrea announced its decision to disengage from Iraq and withdraw its troop, rifleman Yosuf Abdulkadir. "Awesome!" Abdulkadir said when he heard the news. "Maybe I'll get back in time to see Kill Bill 2 in the theater!" Bulgaria's three soldiers, however, said they would be sorry to see Abdulkadir go. "He was so lonely when he first got here, we kind of adopted him as one of our own," explained Nikolay Stoyanov, adding, "I don't know how we're going to play euchre now." As part of its disengagement, Eritrea said it will also stop sending the White House photocopied "How To" articles from War Waging Monthly.

President George Bush submitted an emergency appropriation bill to Congress today seeking an additional $131 billion for the war on carbs, the bulk of which would be used to establish a cabinet-level Department of Carbohydrate Reduction. The proposal comes just days after a Reuters poll revealed that carbs have eclipsed terrorism and job uncertainty as Americans' greatest fear.

Democrats were quick to denounce the proposal as election-year grandstanding. "I'll match my record on carbohydrate with the President's any day," said Senator John Kerry. Kerry was a prominent figure in the anti-carb movement of the late 60's and early 70's, even going so far as to throw his croutons onto the steps of the Capitol Building during a 1971 protest.

If approved, the appropriations bill would be the most expensive dietary legislation passed since the 1986 Promotion Of Frozen Yogurt Act.

Speaking at the Sanford Center earlier today, Senator John Kerry reveled in recent polls showing growing support for his presidential aspiration. "Do you like the surge?" Kerry asked the crowd of more than 200 people. "Are you ready to add more surge? Are you ready to make more surge, more surge? And are you ready to make more and more surge?"

The rising poll numbers are good news for a candidate that has been dogged by allegations of impropriety. Rivals for the Democratic nomination claim that an unnamed corporation recent gave Kerry's campaign enormous contributions in return for product endorsement. While Kerry acknowledges a recent influx of funds, he dismisses claims that he is providing anything in return as "sheer fantasy." "No amount of money," said Kerry, "is going to prevent me from doing what sprite for America."

Yesterday the Mars Rover sent back detailed photos and video of the planet's terrain; today NASA released the first audio recorded on the Martian surface. During the 24 minute broadcast, listeners could discern the faint whistling of world's thin atmosphere, the low rumblings of tectonic movement, and, in the background, the distant but unmistakable strains of Outkast's "Hey Ya!"

News:

Pat Robertson said Friday that God told him President Bush will be re-elected in a landslide.

"I think George Bush is going to win in a walk," the religious broadcaster said on his "700 Club" program on the Virginia Beach-based Christian Broadcasting Network, which he founded. "I really believe I'm hearing from the Lord it's going to be like a blowout election in 2004. It's shaping up that way," Robertson said.

Earlier on the program, Robertson had explained that he wanted to share "some of the things that I believe the Lord was showing me as I spent several days in prayer at the end of 2003 ..."

For the record, here's the full list of God's 2004 revelations:

• President: George W. Bush
• Superbowl Winner: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
• Best Supporting Actress: Renée Zellweger, Cold Mountain
• Utah State's "Lucky Seven" Numbers For the Week of June 13-19: 03 04 16 20 43 47 55
• Killer Stock Picks: AMGN, HRB, JNJ, MSFT, HRB
• People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive: Hugh Jackman
• Winner of the Nobel Peace Prize: Clay Risen
• Hot New Diet: Dr. Grummley's Carbopalooza Slimdown Program For America
• Number between 1 and 10 that Timmy McGarret is thinking of: 2
• Date of Rapture, For Real This Time: October 14th

AP Headline: Asteroid May Have Hit Earth 250 Million Years Ago.

All right Associated Press! Way to get right on top of that story!

In a press conference this morning, White House Spokesman Scott McClellan acknowledged that $87 billion in US funds were misplaced sometime yesterday afternoon. The cash -- which, citing "security reasons," President Bush insisted on carrying on his person during his eight-day overseas trip -- had recently been earmarked by Congress for Iraqi operations and reconstruction. McClellan would not outline the exact circumstances of the loss, except to say that the President and his entourage had discovered the money missing after attending an impromptu "photo op" while touring the Australian outback.

In other financial news, the White House has announced a $1 million reward for any information leading to the capture of a kangaroo last seen approximately 30 miles southwest of Sydney. Officials describe the marsupial as clad in a "Air Force One" bomber jacket, wearing sunglasses, and prone to breaking out into "Rapper's Delight."

The White House thinks Megan Farres "is a hottie" and may ask the Fairheights Junior High student to an upcoming Hallowing party, according to report in Tuesday's Washington Post. The Post received the information from a "high ranking administration official" who declined to provide his name, saying, "the White House would spaz if it knew I was telling you."

After the briefing, The White House approached reporters and asked if Farres had seemed interested in the Halloween party.

Four days after its inception, the "Draft Clooney For President" (DCFP) movement has received a groundswell of support from democrats dissatisfied with the 10 candidates currently seeking the nomination.

In a phone interview, Clooney denied that he was seeking the nomination or had any knowledge of the movement to draft him. In related news, a Reuter's poll of registered democrats had the actor leading all actual candidates by a margin of 22%. DCFP insiders say they are ready to launch draftjustintimberlake.com the moment Clooney declares his intention to enter the race.

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) continued its legal campaign today as it filed suit against Share Bear in federal court. The cuddly, anthromorphic teddy bear whose stated mission is to "teach people how to share" could face penalties of up to $150,000 and six months in jail. RIAA spokeswomen Lily Stadel defended the decision to procecute the adorable moppet. "We're not talking about Funshine Bear or Love-A-Lot Bear, here," she noted. "Share Bear has set up an entire B2B [bear to bear] sharing network, and not only knows how much fun it is to give some of her good things to others, but has often been heard encouraging others to 'do your share of sharing!' Clearly the RIAA cannot just stand by and allow this behavior to continue." The announcement came just days after the arrest of Pirate Smurf on similar charges. Share Bear's favorite color is lavender.

Linguists at the University of Rhode Island have discovered an "i" in "team," calling into question one of the axioms of motivational theory. "It turned out to be between the 'a' and the 'm'," Professor Stephanie Zahn-Winters said at a press conference on Monday. "Once you know it's there, it's not too hard to see." While the news threatens to undermine modern coaching techniques, it was hailed as vindication by glory hounds and hotdoggers around the nation. "I always knew it was in there somewhere," said Polk Junior High ballhog Barry Zahn, adding "everyone knows that passing is gay." The news comes just four days after scientists at the Wisconsin State College shocked geographers worldwide by announcing the discovery of a place exactly like home.

FOX news has sued filmmaker Michael Moore over his repeated usage of the term "Michael Moore," both in print and on his website. "FOX has a long and established tradition of using the phrase 'Michael Moore' as a synonym for any person or group that expresses the slightest unease about Bush Administration policies," reads the complaint. "If Michael Moore's were ever to behave rationally, it would irrevocably blur and tarnish the strawman FOX has worked so diligently to construct." Although some legal scholars warn that the lawsuit serves only to stifle Moore's First Amendment rights, FOX has dismissed such critics as "a bunch of wacko left-wing extremists of the Michael Moore variety." Lawyers for the media giant demand that Michael Moore cease usage of the term within 30 days and adopt the name "Stubbley McFatguy".

Hanson described letters from Speedwagon as "increasingly incoherent."

This marks the second time an 80s Band has been taken into custody this year, following the February arrest of The Police on charges of stalking.

Baron Vladimir Harkonnen today reiterated his insistence that Arrakis possesses worms of mass destruction, despite growing skepticism that proof of WMDs will ever be found. "We know for a fact that they have worms," Vladimir said in a statement to the Emperor, "but it will take time to uncover them, as they are likely hidden deep underground." Rival houses, however, have stepped up their criticism of Harkonnen, accusing the House of exaggerating the threat of WMDs to justify "Operation Arrakis Freedom," the March 20 Harkonnen-led invasion of the desert planet. "We were told that an attack on the Empire by worm-riding Fremen was imminent," said Duke Yoshihide of House Radding. "If that was the case, Baron Harkonnen, then I ask: where are the WMDs?" Others have been more blunt in their criticism. "I think it's clear now that this was all about the spice," said Duchess Asplund, who has also called for an investigation into lucrative contracts Harkonnen awarded the Spacing Guild following the war. In addition to the question of WMDs, the Harkonnen administration has also been under fire because of continued attacks on Imperial forces by the Bene Gesserit, and because Paul "Maud'dib" Atreides -- the Fremen leader and "Ace of Spades" in the "Arrakis Most Wanted" playing-card deck -- remains at large.

UNWILLING TO BELIEVE
By Paul Krugman, guest columnist

Many in these uncertain times will rush to give the President the benefit of the doubt; others will insist that it is our patriotic duty not to publicly question the Commander-In-Chief's veracity. And perhaps it's possible for the majority of American to willingly suspend their collective disbelief one more time. But not I. My capacity for credence has been exceeded; I can't believe it's not butter.

Following the media's breathless coverage of his landing on the USS Lincoln, President George Bush today announced his intention to don water skis and jump a tank of man-eating sharks. The event, to take place on February 3, 2004, will be carried live on FOX, CNN, MSNBC, ESPN, ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, UPN, HBO, The Food Channel, The Weather Channel, Comedy Central, The Home Shopping Network and Spice, with publicity photos to follow in every American newspaper and weekly. When asked why the stunt was scheduled for the same day as the South Carolina Democratic Primary, Bush urged reporters to "sit on it"

And while I'm media-bashing: check out the "Reuters Photo" that accompanies this story. We know we've found Saddam's WMDs this time because the State Department has secured some clip art of a truck.

Update: Laurie Boris writes "Send that truck clip art to North Korea. That'll give 'em something to think about!!"

Update: Apparently disgruntled with the poor quality of the "Reuters Photos," Yahoo! has now switched to the vastly superior AFP Photos.

In response to reporters asking if Operation Iraqi Freedom might last months, White House press secretary Ari Fleischer today condemned the media for assuming that an invasion of Iraq was a foregone conclusion. "I think it's premature to ask how long a war will last before the President has even decided whether to attack [Iraq]," Fleischer said, reiterating comments made by Bush on Wednesday. "The United States is still pursuing every diplomatic channel available in the hopes of averting a war." Fleischer cited recents meetings between US military forces and the Republican Guard in and around Basra as proof that the US was "earnestly engaging the regime in the hopes of finding a peaceful solution to the crisis". He also pointed out that, as recently as March 19th, the United States sent a number of envoys into Saddam's bunker in an effort to interact with the Iraqi leader directly. "The President will make a decision regarding a possible invasion only if our current campaign of aggressive peace negotiations fail," Fleischer stated. "War is our last resort."

Today: White House Says Coalition Includes Nations From Every Continent On The Globe
Tomorrow: Antarctican Forces Complain About Heat, Sand

Today: Us Seizes Iraqi Assets
Tomorrow: More Money Found For Tax Cuts, Bush Says

Today: France Seeks Big Role in Post-War Iraq
Tomorrow: Little Red Hen Announces Plan To Eat Whole Loaf By Self

Today: Halliburton Subsidiary Wins Iraqi Oil Contract
Tomorrow: Halliburton Subsidiary Declared Winner Of NCAA Tournament

Tomorrow: War In Iraq Ends
Day After Tomorrow: Thousands Of Graphic Designers Laid Off By CNN, MSNBC, FOX

Waxy.org: Decapitation Attack.

My own: Breaking News.

In another sign of impending military action, Bush today announced that the US would no longer pretend to work with the United Nations. "The time for pretend diplomacy has passed," warned the President in a televised speech to the nation. "I will therefore spend today pretending to make up my mind about invading." Bush estimated that he would pretend to deliberate for a day before pretending to come to a decision. The declaration followed a summit in which Bush met with those leaders who favor war and, in a last ditch, pretend effort to find a peaceful resolution, asked them if they favor war. "Look at the bright side," Bush added, "Once we attack I can go back to pretending to fix the economy." In a press conference shortly thereafter, White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer clarified the President's statement, insisting that Bush had meant to say "if we attack."

Headline: Bush Names Jim And Tim Directors Of Homeland Security

With members of Congress gathered in front of his Washington DC residence, Alan Greenspan emerged from his home this morning and saw his own shadow, thereby predicting six more weeks of low interest rates. "Some have said that deficit spending will drive interest rates up," said Speaker of the House Denny Hastert immediately following the ceremony. "But Alan Greenspan, seeing his shadow here today, has told the American people in no uncertain terms that the Bush Administration has this nation on the road to recovery." Top Democrats, however, were quick to cast doubt on the accuracy of the prediction. "The man has, like, twenty / four-million vision," said Senator John Kerry. "Who can really say what he sees or doesn't see?" Greenspan, who retreated into his home after fetching his newspaper, is expected to remain secluded until April 20, when he will perform his annual egg-hiding duties.

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei holds Iran's Axie aloft during his acceptance speech at the 2002 State of the Union Address.

The 2003 Axis of Evil Awards will air tomorrow on all major networks, and begins at 9:00 EST with host Whoopi Goldberg delivering the State of the Union Address.

Self-help guru Dr. Phil McGraw addressed the nation's consumers last night during a speech televised by all major networks. "You cannot play the game of life with sweaty palms," McGraw told the estimated 50 million viewers, adding "I'm not trying to beat you up, I'm trying to wake you up." The speech was given at the behest of the Bush administration after consumer confidence plunged to a two-year low in the fourth quarter of 2002. Dr. Phil, noting "it's sometimes its hard to see your own face without a mirror," suggested that consumers write down their good qualities on a sheet of paper and bring it with them to the mall as a way of bolstering self-esteem while shopping. Oprah Winfrey, meanwhile, has been dispatched to North Korea, where she will speak to Kim Jong-Il about his constant need for validation.

BUSH UNVEILS PLANS FOR ECONOMIC STIMULUS, HOMELAND SECURITY, HEALTHCARE, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION, EDUCATION, PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

President Bush formally annouced his 2003 economic stimulus, homeland security, healthcare, environmental protection, education, and perscription drug plans today in a speech at the Economic Club of Chicago. "Tax cuts," said the President. When pressed for details, Bush added "you know, for the wealthy." Leading Democrats said the plans would "put the United States on a collision course with ruination," but said they would vote for them in the interest of reelection.

With December retail sales at a 30-year low, economists and politicians are hailing 2002's holiday season as the best in three decades. "This year, people were focused on friends and family, rather than the usual orgy of unchecked consumerism," said Martin Fi, professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina. "It was truly a magical year." Oregon Governor Andrea Stephens agreed, adding "It's nice to see people saving their hard-earned money, instead of frittering it away on the Toys R Us fad-of-the-year." Candice Torrel, CFO of Wal*Mart, expressed cautious optimism that the spirit of the season may have been rediscovered. "Who knows," she speculated, "maybe all those Charlie Brown Christmas Specials are starting to pay off."

A new poll shows that seven out of every five of Americans don't bother to do the math. "When asked, 53% percent said that, when reading or hearing anything that involves two or more numbers, they don't even try to do the math," said lead pollster Bradley Noel. "Another 49% said they will often think about doing the math but ultimately decide against it. Only 19% said they will actually add things up to see if the report makes sense." The results were greeted with elation from the 47 Republicans and 38 Democrats in the 100-member Senate. "This is great news," said Senate Majority Leader Pam Crader(D). "When discussing budgets or taxes, we can pretty much make stuff up: millions, trillions, deficits, surpluses -- it's all the same to them." Advertisers were equally enthusiastic. "This will allow us to offer consumers 1500 free hours of service during their first month of membership," said AOL marketer Ted Rawlins. Only the Department of Education has expressed misgivings about the findings. "Mathematical apathy is one of the top three educational problems this nation faces," DOE Chairman David Kahn warned. "The other one is illiteracy."

The FBI issued a strongly worded bulletin today, warning Americans that one or more Rob Schneider films could be released in the next few weeks. "We're seeing a significant uptick in Rob Schneider 'chatter' similar to what we saw just prior to June 3," FBI Coordinator Jean McCloskey said, referring to the date in 2001 when "The Animal" was released. "We'retherefore asking all citizens to be extra vigilent." Earlier this morning the White House raised the Rob Schneider Alert System to Code Orange -- the second highest threat level possible -- and tightened security around theaters nationwide. The Justice Department, meanwhile, announced that they would be freezing the assets of "Touchstone Pictures" and other organizations suspected of funding Rob Schneider-related operations. Touchstone is believed to be behind the series of video spots recently broadcast on network television that ominously promise that a new Rob Schneider film will soon open "everywhere".

Last week, when a top aide to Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien resigned after referring to George Bush as a 'moron' in a private conversation, I made this CNN.com front page mockup for FilePile.

After months of negotiations, the International House of Pancakes has passed a resolution demanding that Belgium reveal and destroy its stockpiles of waffles or face the possibility of invasion. Although the nation was stripped of its waffle-making capacity in the 1989 Bisquik Offensive, experts believe that Belgium has managed to smuggle in sufficient flour, eggs, and milk to virtually rebuild its supply, and now lacks only the baking soda necessary to active these so-called 'alternate breakfast entrees' (ABEs). "This resolution sends a strong message to Brussels," announced I.H.O.P. Secretary-General Mabel Buttersworth following the vote. "The International pancake community will not stand idly by while rogue nations continue to produce ABEs." The resolution was passed 214-1, with only France dissenting. Paris has expressed concern that, if the action in Belgium succeeds, their reserves of French Toast may come under scrutiny.

The White House today raised Bush approval rating to "Popularity Orange" in preparation for the upcoming November elections. Federal officials say the escalation was in response to a significant uptick in "chatter" concerning the possibility of Democrats retaining control of the Senate. Bush's approval, which had been at the "Elevated Popularity" level (70%-80%) since the anniversary of 9/11, was raised to the 80%-90% range, where it is expected to remain until the conclusion of the 2002 midterm elections. The White House said it does not foresee the need to go to "Popularity Red" -- the highest level of Approval possible -- but reserves the right to do so "if the situation merits a more forceful response". The public reacted almost immediately to the news: in a CNN/Reuters poll taken soon after the announcement, five out of six Americas said their impressions of Bush were "favorable" or "very favorable".

Just 24 hours after referring to North Korea's nuclear weapons program as "troubling," The Bush Administration has asked Congress to authorize a fourth adjective for use by the executive branch. "In these troubling times of cowardly acts, it is essential that the White House have the necessary adjectives to describe people of evil," Bush insisted. But Senate majority leader Tom Daschle expressed skepticism that a fourth word would be allotted. "In the wake of 9/11, we gave the President almost unlimited use of the word "evil," -- it's not our fault that he applied it to everything from foreign nations to pretzels. And when he came to us earlier this year, asking for 'Cowardly' and 'Troubling,' he assured us that three words would be more than sufficient. Now he wants a fourth? How do we know he won't just squander this one like the others?" When asked to comment on Daschle's remarks, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer characterized them as "Cowardly, troubling, and evil."