The Bad Review Revue

Fred Claus: “There is more plot in the average Geico commercial.” Kyle Smith, New York Post

August Rush: “Plays more to the gag reflex than to the heart.” — Desson Thomson, WASHINGTON POST

Hitman: “One of the best movies ever made from a video game … which doesn’t provide you with very much information. That’s like declaring the best meal you’ve eaten at a strip club, or the best love ballad by Kenny Loggins.” — Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

Awake: “Has more holes in it than a tea bag.” — Bruce Demara, Toronto Star

Southland Tales: “After I saw the first cut of Kelly’s Southland Tales at Cannes 2005, I was dazed, confused, bewildered, bored, affronted and deafened by the boos all around me… now here is the director’s cut, which is 20 minutes shorter, lops off a couple of characters and a few of the infinite subplots, and is even more of a mess. I recommend that Kelly keep right on cutting until he whittles it down to a ukulele pick.” — Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

The Bad Review Revue

The Comebacks: “Probably the worst movie that’s sludged across my professional eyeballs.” — Gregory Kirschling , ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

Saw IV: “As edgy as a rubber knife.” — Scott Schueller, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

The Ten Commandment: “Thou shalt not cast Christian Slater as Moses, no matter how much the Hollywood party boy wants to fulfill some form of karmic community service.” — John Monaghan, DETROIT FREE PRESS

Sarah Landon and the Paranormal Hour: “Beset by bad lighting, limited visual imagination and acting so wooden it might have termites.” — John Anderson, VARIETY

Rush Hour 3: “Rush Hour was acceptable. It was to Rush Hour 2 what McDonald’s is to White Castle. Rush Hour 2 is to Rush Hour 3 what White Castle is to cat food.” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

The Bad Review Revue

Hot Rod: “Started to go bad about the time someone in casting said, ‘You know what? I’ll bet America is just about ready for the comedy stylings of Sissy Spacek.'” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Good Luck Chuck: “A comedy so lame its plot could’ve been swiped from a Bazooka Joe wrapper.” — Chris Nashawaty, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

Dragon wars: “Some of the most ambitious crap I’ve ever seen.” — Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

The Invasion: “Made by the kind of beings the first three Body Snatchers movies warned us against.” — Gene Seymour, NEWSDAY

The Last Legion: “We can only hope that the title of this misbegotten swords-and-sandals adventure is prophetic.” — Frank Scheck, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

The Game Plan: “Generic to the point where it might be called Sport-Themed Disney Girly Movie All Rights Reserved.” –Geoff Pevere, TORONTO STAR

The Bad Review Revue

License To Wed: “There’s bad, there’s awful and there’s horrible, and then somewhere beyond that, in its own Kingdom of Lousy — where all the milk curdles and the jokes aren’t funny — is License to Wed.” — Mick LaSalle, SAN FRANCSCO CHRONICLE

The Brothers Solomon: “The not-funniest comedy of the year.” — Michael Phillips, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Death Sentence: “Kevin Bacon’s performance is six degrees of ham.” — Jack Mathews, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

War: “What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.” — Jim Ridley, LA WEEKLY

Daddy Day Camp: “Has an amazing amount of CGI – Cuba Gooding Incompetence.” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

The Bad Review Revue: Skanks A Million

Critics are raving over Bratz!

“Not that I was expecting much out of a movie based on a line of dolls, but …” — Richard Roeper, EBERT & ROEPER

“OMG! This movie is SO BAD! I can’t believe I just spent an hour and a half of my life, like, watching it, when I could have been totally trying on hairbands!” — Amy Biancolli, HOUSTON CHRONICLE

“As for Jon Voight’s presence as the school’s principal, one can only assume his Oscar statue is shedding actual tears.” — Elizabeth Weitzman, DAILY NEWS

“Offers supporting evidence that any film in which ‘Awesome!’ gets uttered more than three times should get a NC-17 rating, regardless of all the benefits such a move would deny the hair-extension industry.” — John Anderson, VARIETY

“I could actually feel my brain stem shrivel up as I watched it.” — Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

“To the Bratz, individualism is only cool as long as it doesn’t require unfashionable pants.” — Jeannette Catsoulis, THE NEW YORK TIMES

“On the wrong side side of the so-bad-it’s-good line.” — John Anderson, LOS ANGELES TIMES

“Doesn’t have an idea in its head but still screams at the top of its lungs.” — Jonathan Rosenbaum, CHICAGO READER

Bratz celebrates something even more important than good grades or good friends: the vital acquisition of totally awesome shoes.” — Connie Ogle, MIAMI HERALD

“Will rot your child’s mind, drain her soul and likely encourage early Botox dependency.” — Tom Long, DETROIT NEWS

Also: “Even Lindsay Lohan’s mug shot was made with more skill than this bottom-of-the-barrel B-movie.” Technically this is from a review of I Know Who Killed Me, but lumping Lohan in with the Bratz seems thematically appropriate. Thanks to Daniel for the tip.

The Bad Review Revue

Mr. Brooks: “Has more tonal shifts than a Philip Glass concert.” — Michael Booth, DENVER POST

Ocean’s Thirteen: “Why put so much sheen on a movie that warrants and provokes nothing more than mild diversion? It’s like serving sloppy joes on fine china.” — Chris Vognar, Dallas Morning News

Firehouse Dog: “The lesson to be learned is that just because we can use computer technology to give dogs goofy faces, that doesn’t mean we should.” –Marrit Ingman, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Delta Face: “If you’re hungry for comical interpretations of an errant war, may I suggest any episode of M*A*S*H–or, indeed, any episode of Fox News.” — Michael Harris, GLOBE AND MAIL

I’m Reed Fish: “Like being forced to read the diary of a dull-witted teen who is breathlessly beginning a lifelong fascination with himself.” –Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Miriam: “So bad it doesn’t ever approach being good, doesn’t even go from bad to good and back to bad again–just bad bad bad, all the way through.” — Charles Petersen , VILLAGE VOICE

The Bad Review Revue

Wild Hogs: “Does for comedies what Exxon did for Prince William Sound.” — Pete Vonder Haar, Film Threat

Are We Done Yet?: “Remarkable only for the fact that its star [Ice Cube] was ever once actually considered a threat to civic stability. If movies came any safer than this, they’d be given honourary police citations for keeping the peace.” — Geoff Pevere, TORONTO STAR

Pathfinder: “Makes Conan the Barbarian seem like Dostoyevsky in its complexity. ” –Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

The Invisible: “It probably seemed layered and complex when the writers were stoned. ” — Luke Y. Thompson, LA Weekly

Slow Burn: “Nothing is what it seems … unless it seems cheesy.” –Kyle Smith , NEW YORK POST

And, because Kyle Smith was on a roll this week, Lucky You: “An announcer calling a climactic poker match uses a Texas hold ’em term frequently, saying, ‘And the flop. And the flop. And the flop.’ Heck, this movie reviews itself.” — Kyle Smith , NEW YORK POST

The Bad Review Revue

Black Snake Moan: “Maybe [Samuel L.] Jackson should avoid any more movies with ‘snake’ in the title.” — Peter Rainer, CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR

I Think I Love My Wife: “Attaching Chris Rock to I Think I Love My Wife is like chaining a Kentucky Derby winner to the merry-go-round in a petting zoo.” — Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER

300: “Should have been called Ode to a Grecian Ab.” — Michael Phillips, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Arthur and the Invisibles: “This kids’ cartoon from France is such a surreally demented attempt to connect with children that it’s the equivalent of foie gras breakfast cereal or a bleu cheese milkshake.” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

The Hills Have Eyes II: “The only folks jumping out of their seats were the ones going for a drink refill.” — Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

Premonition: “I have a strong premonition I’m about to give this movie a big thumbs down.” — Richard Roeper, EBERT & ROEPER, AT THE MOVIES

The Bad Review Revue

The Hitcher: “All thumbs.” — Desson Thomson, WASHINGTON POST

The Messengers: “A screenplay that has the sophistication and complexity of a college dorm message board.” — Tirdad Derakhshani, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

Epic Movie: “Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer must be stopped. For the last two years, this filmmaking team has created a series of spoof movies so feeble, shoddy and unfunny that they may be part of a diabolical, Manchurian Candidate-like plot to stunt the intellectual development of American adolescents.” — Jason Anderson, THE GLOBE AND MAIL

Because I Said So: “Not so much phoned in as it is auto-dialed with a text-to-speech prerecorded message in one of those creepy robotic voices.” — Carina Chocano, LOS ANGELES TIMES

Norbit: “If I thought hijacking a plane carrying prints of the film and crashing it into [Eddie] Murphy’s house would put a stop to it, I’d go out and buy a box cutter right now.” — Pete Vonder Haar, FILM THREAT

Blood and Chocolate: “Werewolf flick that seems to have used up its entire special-effects budget on canine contact lenses.” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Ghost Rider: “All the sugar-injected horsepower of a 6-year-old on a Big Wheel. ” — Marc Savlov, Austin Chronicle

The Number 23: “Grips hold of one stupid idea and runs so far with it, in so many directions, to such little purpose, that it nearly won me over from sheer berserkoid effort.” — Nathan Lee, VILLAGE VOICE

The Bad Review Revue

School for Scoundrels: “Is to the multiplex what bagged spinach is to the produce aisle.” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Happily N’Ever After: “The best that can be said of this charmless animated picture is that whether or not it ends happily — an outcome you’re unlikely to give a hoot about — it does, happily, end.” — Ruthe Stein, San Francisco Chronicle

The Holiday: “Like her namesake, Meyers has quite a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A.” — Scott Foundas, VILLAGE VOICE

Unaccompanied Minors: “The situations are so contrived they make SpongeBob Squarepants seem like a nature documentary.” — John Anderson, NEWSDAY

Thr3e: “R3ally, r3ally aw4ul.” — Phil Villarreal, Arizona Daily Star