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The Truth About Global Climate Change

 

Intelligent Warming

 

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Butteryfingers

FADE IN

INT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

MATTHEW and THE QUEEN are sitting on a couch in their living room, 20 minutes into the Season 2.5 finale of BATTLESTAR GALACTIC. They both appear to be ON EDGE, as if ANTICIPATING something.

SOUND EFFECT: THE DISTANT RATTLE OF A TINY HAND STRUGGLING TO TURN AN ADULT-SIZED DOORKNOB

The ratting continues for a few seconds and then STOPS ABRUPTLY. A moment passes.

Enter THE SQUIRRELLY, left

SQURRELLY: Hiya!

THE QUEEN: You little –

MATTHEW: God damn it!

MATTHEW pauses the DVD for the FORTY-HUNDREDTH TIME. He stands, grabs THE SQUIRRELLY, tucks the grinning toddler under has arm, and walks out of the frame.

MATTHEW: Come on, you.

Cut to:

INT – SQUIRRELY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

MATTHEW enters, carrying The SQUIRRELLY. He puts him in his BED for the FORTY-HUNDREDTH TIME.

MATTHEW: Now, look: it’s time to go to bed. Do you understand? I want you to stay in your bed. From now on. Do you understand?

THE SQUIRRELLY giggles MALEVOLENTLY

MATTHEW: No, I’m totally for-serious this time. Stay in your bed. It’s time for sleeping. Stay in your bed. Good night. Stay in your bed.

MATTHEW leaves the room, closing the DOOR behind him. The scene goes BLACK. Cut to:

INT – LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Enter MATTHEW, left. He walks to the SOFA.

MATTHEW: He looked pretty tired. I think he’s going to stay in his room this time.

THE QUEEN: [Ominously] He’d better …

MATTHEW picks up the REMOTE CONTROL from the TABLE and sits on the SOFA next to THE QUEEN. He presses PLAY.

Enter THE SQUIRRELLY, left

SQURRELLY: Hiya!

MATTHEW: NNNRRRRGH!

THE SQUIRRELLY ambles up to his parents, smiling. THE QUEEN stands.

THE QUEEN: That’s it.

THE QUEEN takes THE SQUIRRELLY by the hand and leads him BRISKLY out of the frame. She is gone for a few minutes. When she reenters she is carrying a can of COOKING SPRAY.

THE QUEEN: He won’t bother us again.

MATTHEW: Why was the Pam in his bedroom?

THE QUEEN: It wasn’t. I brought it with me, and sprayed it on his inside doorknob.

THE QUEEN places the COOKING SPRAY back on a shelf, while MATTHEW looks on with PRIDE and ADORATION. She joins him on the SOFA and the two watch the conclusion of BATTLESTAR GALACTIC uninterrupted.

SCENE

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Xyzzy

Iraqi Invasion: A Text Misadventure
Revision 88 / Serial number 54892

Oval Office
You are standing inside a White House, having just been elected to the presidency of the United States. You knew Scalia would pull through for you.

There is a large desk here, along with a few chairs and couches. The presidential seal is in the middle of the room and there is a full-length mirror upon the wall.

What do you want to do now?

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> LOOK MIRROR
Self-reflection is not your strong suit.

> PET SEAL
It's not that kind of seal.

> EXAMINE CHAIRS
They are several chairs arranged around the center of the room, along with two couches. Under one couch you find Clinton's shoes.

> FILL SHOES
You are unable to fill Clinton's shoes.

> EXAMINE DESK
It is a large, oak desk, with several drawers.

In one drawer you find a bag of pretzels.

> EAT PRETZEL.
I don't think the pretzel would agree with you.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> GO RIGHT
Far-Right
You are on the far right of the political spectrum.
Jesse Helms is here.
John Ashcroft is here.

> GO RIGHT
Radical Right
You are on the extreme right of the political spectrum.
Dick Cheney is here.
Pat Robertson is here.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> TAKE VACATION
Taken.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> SCORE
Your favorablity rating is 58% out of a possible 100%.

> GO PHOTOOP
Photo Op
You are at a the Emma T. Booker Elementary School, along with a gaggle of obsequious members of the mainstream media.
There is a book here.
There are some children here.

> READ BOOK
You read "My Pet Goat."

In the distance, terrorists attack the United States.

> READ BOOK
You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

> READ BOOK
You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

> READ BOOK
You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

> GO HOME
You fly around aimlessly for a while, then return to the White House.

Oval Office

> GIVE SPEECH
Who do you want to give the speech to?

> AMERICAN PEOPLE
You give the speech to the American people.

> DIAGNOSIS
Your favorablity rating is 84% out of a possible 100%.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> INVADE AFGHANISTAN
Afghanistan
You have invaded the nation of Afghanistan, bombing the Taliban nearly out of existence.

Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, is here.

> INVADE IRAQ
(Leaving Afghanistan first.)
You are not able to do that, yet.

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> FUCK
Such language in a high-class establishment like this!

> HYPE THREAT
"The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa."

> MONGER FEAR
"Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof -- the smoking gun -- that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud ..."

> MUDDY WATER
"We know that Iraq and the al Qaeda terrorist network share a common enemy -- the United States of America. We know that Iraq and al Qaeda have had high-level contacts that go back a decade. And we know that after September the 11th, Saddam Hussein's regime gleefully celebrated the terrorist attacks on America ..."

> PUNISH CRITICS
"Wilson never worked for the CIA, but his wife, Valerie Plame, is an Agency operative on weapons of mass destruction ... "

> RAILROAD CONGRESS
You schedule a vote on the Iraq invasion for just before the 2002 midterm elections. As usual, spineless democrats roll over like an SUV taking a sharp corner.

Your plan to invade Iraq now has the backing of the American people and Congress.

> INVADE IRAQ
Baghdad
You enter the Iraqi capital of Bagdad, having toppled the government and captured the nation's key cities in only 21 days. You can't seem to find the promised throngs of citizens greeting you as liberators, but the footage of the Saddam statue being pulled down looks great on Fox!

> GIVE CONTRACTS
Who do you want to give the contracts to?

> HALLIBURTON
What kind of contracts do you wish to give to Halliburton?

> NO-BID
You give the no-bid contracts to Halliburton.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

> WEAR FLIGHTSUIT
You put on the flightsuit.

> SAY "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED"
"Mission accomplished."

> EXAMINE MISSION
The mission is not accomplished.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

Some insurgents arrive.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a small number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a moderate number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

An election year arrives.

> GO LEFT
Far-Right
Pat Buchanan is here.
Sean Hannity is here.

> GO LEFT
Compassionate Conservativism
You are right-of-center on the political spectrum.
John McCain is here.
Joseph Leiberman is here.

> GET REELECTED
You get reelected.

> GO RIGHT
Far-Right
Tom DeLay is here.
Michelle Malkin is here.

> GO RIGHT
Radical Right
Rick Santorum is here.
Ann Coulter is here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a large number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a huge number of insurgents here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is an overwhelming number of insurgents here.

> SCORE
Your favorablity rating is 47% out of a possible 100%.

> ADMIT MISTAKES
You are unable to admit mistakes.

> ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
You are unable to accept responsibility.

> DECLARE VICTORY
I do not know what you mean by "victory."

> QUIT
Oh, how we wish you would.

* * *

I’m A-Start Some Drama

I walked into the kitchen this morning to find The Queen groggily gathering coffee-making accoutrements.

“Wha’cha gonna do wit all dat junk?” I asked her. “All dat junk inside yo trunk?”

She scowled at me as a reminder of the household’s “no conversation before caffeine” rule, but then asked, “What are you saying?”

“No no, that was all wrong” I said, disappointed. “You are supposed to reply …” — I switched to falsetto — “… I

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Incredible Illusion!!

 

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The Doings Of Fops

I have a piece in The Morning News today called Lone Star Statements. I only wrote about 30 words of it, but nonetheless got full credit as author. That’s my kind of writing project.

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The Soft Bigotry Of Low Expectations

I think it’s ridiculous that “attempted murder” carries a lesser penalty than “murder.” We should be encouraging people to excel in their professions, not rewarding them for failure.

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Google Maps Satellite

Google has integrated satellite photos into their map service. Click the link in upper right-hand corner.

And I’m the only one who finds this a little unnerving?

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You Got To Cool It Down

The 30 least hot follow-ups to the 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman

  1. “Good morning Cheryl. I mean, um, Sharon.
  2. “Is it okay with you if I take this slow? I haven’t done this in, like, fifteen years.
  3. “I can’t stop touching you. Stupid OCD.”
  4. “Want to join me in the shower? Grouting’s more fun with two!
  5. “I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you. Uh, I mean centimeter of you. I keep forgetting you are Canadian — thank god.
  6. “I love how you taste your soup before adding salt to it. You know, that’s the way Thomas Edison used to interview candidates. True fact. He’d take them out for lunch and if they seasoned their soup before trying it he wouldn’t hire them, because that showed that they were impulsive and didn’t — holy shit, are you okay?! Jesus, you spilled it all over yourself! That’s gotta hurt. What the fuck were you doing eating soup while naked in the first place?
  7. “Do you feel this, too?” (“This” being an incredible emotional euphoria – but, seriously dude: if you gotta explain it, the answer is “no.”)
  8. “Hungry? Stay right here. I’ll go make you a burrito.” (Note: This statement cannot be made any less hot.)
  9. Her name — her full name — followed by a “Wow”? Followed by “Well? Are you listening? Do you want to play World of Warcraft or not?”
  10. “I’ll get the light sabers, you get the tickets to Revenge Of The Sith.
  11. “I’ll cancel my plans if you’ll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend. Yes, right here in the strip club.
  12. “No one’s ever done that before and lived.”
  13. “Can we do that again? I forgot to hit record on my camera.
  14. “I love your [fill in body part here].” No, not the bile duct, you idiot — an external body part.
  15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don’t make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips. Then continue shutting down all effective means of communication between the two of you for the next thirty years of your marriage.
  16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: “Suckers.” While looking at the people currently in bed with her: “lucky bastards.”
  17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: “What do you see? I see Gene Hackman.
  18. I’ll go make coffee. How much low-fat Irish Cream flavored sweetener do you like in your Sanka?
  19. “Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you, because you steal all the covers while sleeping.
  20. “Let’s play hooky today. You won’t get in trouble — I am your principal, after all”
  21. Any use of the word “hot.” Especially: “You’re so hot” or “Ever since we ate that dim sum I haven’t felt so hot.”
  22. “Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing. Seriously, just give it squeeze. Just gooooo ahead and squeeze it, any time now. As soon as it feels amazing. Or, you know, feels adequate — whatever.
  23. Words that end in “uck.” Yes, even “duck,” when appropriate. Or “Schmuck.”
  24. “There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing right now than getting dressed and hitting the road, but I guess I’m obligated to lie here next to you for another 20 minutes.
  25. “I’m ready to go again. Too much fiber, I guess.
  26. “Damn, I’ve missed you. Hang on while I reload.
  27. “How about a massage? Let’s start with my feet.”
  28. Playful laughter that escalates into maniacal laughter that transitions into coughing that degenerates into sobbing.
  29. “Don’t ever leave me the check.”
  30. “You sleep; I’ll go check on the baby.” A moment later: “Yep, we still have a baby. Goddamnit!”
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Great Shot, Kid … That Was One In A Million

While running today, a tiny bug flew directly into my eye. When I opened my mouth to curse, three or four more went straight down my throat.

I don’t want to sound conspiratorial but the whole thing felt like a set-up, like a miniature Rebel Alliance staging a coordinated assault on the Death Star of my head.

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