So I Called Up The Captain

I just set my cellphone’s ringtone to Hotel California. Man, I love that song. My favorite part is the fadeout at the very end. So awesome. I could listen to it a million times and not get tired of it.

Anyway, if you call and it takes me six minutes and eight seconds to pick up, that’s what’s going on.

Things Not To Say

I went over to a friend’s house the other day, where we ate a bunch of pizza and then played 120 minutes of Power Grid. I knew most of the players, but two of them were a rather prim couple I had never met before.

After the game was over, I opened one of the pizza boxes and, discovering that there were still a few slices left, grabbed one.

“Hey, I’ll throw that in the microwave for you,” said my friend.

“No, thanks,” I said, and then–because it’s my standard line in situations like that–added, “I like my pizza the way I like my women.”

I didn’t have a punchline in mind when I said it. But, having set the joke up, I had no choice but to follow through. “Cold … and a few hours old.”

Update: Okay, so normally I wouldn’t post something like this here, as necropedophilia jokes rarely go over well with my typically readership. (Hi Mom! It gets worse!) But I got such a torrent of amazing alternate punchlines when I posted this elsewhere, I had no choice but to share.

  • “Bought on a street corner” (Randombit)
  • “Patted down with a napkin and folded in half” (Umrain)
  • “Shared with 3 friends” (Newbornstranger)
  • “Available by telephone and delivered by a pimply stoner in an AMC Pacer” (Walter)
  • “So hot the top slides off.” (Phil S)
  • “Hand tossed.” (Flaunted)
  • “Liberally endowed with Italian Sausage.” (Migelikor)
  • “Stacked in a corner of my fridge the following morning.” (pyrimyd)
  • “Fawned over by nerds” (Gee)
  • “Free if they don’t come within 30 minutes or less” (Melvin)

Your Order is Being Prepared for Shipping

Greetings from

We thought you would like to know that we are preparing the following items for shipment:

Qty Item
1 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Yes sir, tomorrow is the big day. July 21. The release of the final installment in the Harry Potter seventology, or whatever the hell it's called.

Oh man, you must be excited. I bet you can't wait to get your hands on this book.

Me, I've had my hands on the book pretty much continuously for the last week, preparing all these orders for shipment. In fact, I'm holding your copy as I write this.

It's kind of funny, when you think of it: you've been looking forward to this book for a decade, probably pre-ordered the thing a year ago; and here I am, some warehouse-working Muddle (or whatever you call us), who doesn't know Hogwarts from genital warts, with the book 24 hours before you.

That's a little something called irony. You'll appreciate it when you get older. Assuming you're not some 37-year old guy who lives with his parents and can recite the d20 stats for a gelatinous cube has off the top of his head.

Well, don't you worry. This book will be on your doorstep tomorrow afternoon, ready to read.

I, of course, could read the book--YOUR book--right now. And I gotta admit, it WOULD be fun to be one of the first people in the world to know how it all ends.

Hmm. So, maybe I'll just read the last page ...


Hah hah. I'm just yanking your chain. That's not how it ends. Or maybe it IS, and I'm just saying it's not so you'll be doubly surprised when you finish it. You never know.

I really did read the last page, though. The final word is "haberdashery." You can verify that when you get the book. Tomorrow. A full day after I had it.

I gotta tell ya, though: now that I know how it ends, I kind of want to read the whole thing. If I start right now, I could probably finish it and get this book in the mail to you by Wednesday. You wouldn't mind waiting a few extra days, would you?

Also, I dog-ear pages to save my place. I hope that's okay.

j/k. I wouldn't really read this book. 1000 words about fairies? Yeah, no. Besides, who has the time? Some of us have work for a living. For instance, I bust my hump 60 hours a week schlepping your books around.

Besides, I'd rather see the movie anyway. That chick who plays Hermoine is smoking hot. I'd quidditch, if you know what I'm sayin'.

All right, settle down. I'm putting your precious doorstop in the box now. If you've explored the links on the Your Account page but still need assistance with your order, you'll find links to e-mail or call Customer Service in our Help department at

Thank you for shopping with us.

--------------------------------------------------------------------- and you're done!

P.s. Dobby dies.

Wish-I-Could-Draw Comics!

Panel 1: Captain America, The Hulk, Wasp, Thor, and Iron Man converge on a box.

Avengers Assemble!

Panel 2: The box, reading “IKEA,” sits off to the side. The Avengers are sitting, bending over, and kneeling, looking quizzical, holding pieces of pine.

Panel 3: The Avengers are still trying to put the pieces together; a few are attached.

Panel 4: The Avengers are still trying to put the pieces together.

Goddammit, Bruce! Next time just go to Crate & Barrel and get pre-made shelves.

But these were only, like, thirty bucks.