Three Things That Made Me Laugh This Morning

  • A comment in the thread concerning Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'”:

    That one line..."some will win, some will lose.." That line couldnt be more true. this one time i won, and then this other time, i lost. steve perry really tells it like it is.

  • David Wilhelm’s lol’able lack of critical thinking skills.


    Wilhelm: I’m a superdelegate and I’m going for Obama. Others who have come out for Clinton need to keep in mind the proper role of the superdelegate: to reflect the popular vote.

    Interviewer: So if Hillary has the popular vote after Ohio, you’ll switch to her?

    Wilhelm: No, why would I?

  • Review for Madonna’s new film Filth and Wisdom: “Madonna has been a terrible actor in many, many films and now – fiercely aspirational as ever – she has graduated to being a terrible director. She has made a movie so incredibly bad that Berlin festivalgoers were staggering around yesterday in a state of clinical shock, deathly pale and mewing like maltreated kittens. She is also the producer and co-author of the script. If she’d done the location catering as well, they’d have had a Jonestown situation on their hands.”

Halloween: Twenty Spooky Stories

The Body Snatcher by Robert Louis Stevenson (~ 7,500 words)

The Brazillian Cat by Authur Conan Doyle (~ 8,000 words)

The Call of Cthulhu by H.P. Lovecraft (~ 12,000 words)

The Cedar Closet by Lafcadio Hearn (~ 3,750 words)

Dracula’s Guest by Bram Stoker (~ 4,750 words)

The Furnished Room by O. Henry (~ 2,500 words)

The Haunted Author by Marcus Clarke (~ 1,500 words)

John Charrington’s Wedding by E. Nesbit (~ 3,000 words)

The Lottery by Shirley Jackson (~ 3,500 words)

The Monkey’s Paw by W.W. Jacobs (~ 4,000 words)

The Mortal Immortal by Mary Shelley (~ 5,500 words)

Nerves by Anton Chekhov (~ 1,500 words)

The Night Wire by H. F. Arnold (~ 2,500 words)

An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge by Ambrose Bierce (~ 3,750 words)

Oh Whistle, And I’ll Come To You, My Lad by M.R. James (~ 8,000 words)

The Signalman by Charles Dickens (~ 5,000 words)

Sredni Vashtar by Saki (~ 1,750 words)

The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe (~ 2,000 words)

A Terribly Strange Bed by Wilkie Collins (~ 6,750 words)

The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman (~ 6,000 words)

* * *

Update: In the comments, Em asks, “what about Washington Irving?” Ah, yes. Well, I originally drew the line at 10,000 words, but, in the end, couldn’t bring myself omit Call of Cthulhu. Having broken my own rule once, I see no reason not to do so again.

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving (~ 12,000 words)

And, while we’re at it:

Afterward by Edith Wharton (~ 12,000 words)

The Oregon Pundit

I can’t imagine anyone desiring a higher-caliber of poltiical commentary than the below, but, in the off-chance you do, check our my father’s new blog, Oregon Pundit, where you’ll find much, much less comma-abuse than exists in this sentence.

Irrational Exuberance

Things about which I have become unexpectedly enthusiastic:

Typing of the Dead: Though a lifelong and perhaps intractable hunt-and-peck typist, I occasionally resolve to teach myself touch-typing once and for all; it was during one of these misguided bouts of self-improvement that I picked up The Typing of the Dead. I don’t know what idiot at Take2 Interactive thought that combining an ultra-violent zombie-killing bloodfest with an “edutainment” typing tutorial was a good idea, but I hope he was well-compensated because this is pretty much the best stupid game ever. It’s exactly the same as the popular House of the Dead shoot-em-up, but you enter the infested residence armed with a keyboard instead of a pistol and blow the monsters into gibblets by typing the words and phrases flashed on the screen. So dumb, but I can’t stop playing.

Bitter:Sweet: I can’t listen to The Mating Game, the first single from Bitter:Sweet’s debut album, and not wish I were wearing a tuxedo, sipping a martini, and carrying a Walther PPK in a shoulder holster. And that song is no abberation, the whole album is steeped in that frosty, lounge sound (listen to “Dirty Laundry” if you need further proof). Something incredible will have to come out in the next four months to prevent this from being my favorite album of the year. And hey, Seattlites: they’re coming to Bumbershoot.

Pandora Internet Radio: Here’s how Pandora works. You tell it an artist or song you like; it pulls tracks with similar styles from its database, adds them to your playlist, and streams the feed to you as a customized radio station. I’d dabbled with Pandora a few times in the past but never really saw the point: why not just listen to a radio station you enjoy instead of building one from scratch? But then I plugged the aforementioned Bitter:Sweet in there and discovered a host of similar bands. It’s more of a super-sophisticated recommendation engine than a radio station, but I’ve found an astounding amount of great music using it. If you decide to register, you check out my dy Mix.

Chow Mein: Did I somehow never eat chow mein my first 34 years of life? It was like a revelation when I had it a few months ago, and I’ve been shoveling it into my maw non-stop ever since.

The Best of Youth: Netflix was insistent in suggesting The Best of Youth, putting a shooting star aside the title and giving it permanent slot atop my recommendation page. I was skeptical: you see my five star ratings for “2001: A Space Odyssey” and “Barton Fink” and think I’m going to enjoy a six-hour Italian soap opera? I eventually ordered the film just to get Netflix to shut up about it, and, oh my, it’s sublime. Covering over 40 years in the life of a single family, this is one of the most robust and rewarding DVDs I’ve watched in a spell.

Every Time A Friend Succeeds

In war movies it is a common practice for the members of a squad to pool their money, buy an expensive bottle of booze, and agree that the last man alive gets to drink it. If I had made a similar deal with my friends last year, substituting “last guy to hit the big time” for “die,” I’d be well on my way to insobriety. To wit:

My buddy Josh bought a bar! And not just any bar, lovely Lottie’s Lounge in the heart of Columbia City. If I were to rave about what a nice joint it is you’d correctly suspect me bias, so go read this laudatory Seattle PI article instead. It’s a great place, you should check it out. And if you do, tell ’em Matthew sent you — they won’t give you a discount or nuthin’, but I might get a free drink for the referral, and isn’t that all that matters?

My Internet crush Mighty Girl Wrote a Book!: Mighty Mighty Maggie M. is now the author of No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blogthen boast about it on your weblog.”) And if you pre-order it here, Maggie will send you an autographed copy. Other projects Maggie has been working on: The Mighty Mite and getting namechecked by Time Magazine.

My friend John Moe watched Red Dawn!: And then … wrote a book about it! And though it’s not even for sale yet, it has already taken the literati by storm!

John talked about the writing process quite a bit on his weblog (search for “book going“), in case you were ever wondering how one of these things gets made. The premise of his book is that he immersed himself in conservative culture for 30 days in an attempt to become a righty. I don’t want to give away the ending, but the last time we hung out he alluded to William Kristol’s “chisled abs,” like, four times.


Rob Cockerham is a veritable fount of zany schemes, which is why is he often called “The Lucy Ricardo of the Web.” (Actually, no one has ever called him that, but y’all should do so from this day forward.) You should read about his newest hairbrained / divinely-inspired project here, especially if you live anywhere near Sacramento. It sounds so fun that it actually made me wish I lived in California for a yoctosecond or two.

I Like Me

I’m totally hooked on Brandon Hardesty’s re-enactment series. The Battle of Wits from The Princess Bride was widely circulated in the blogosphere, but my personal favorite is this scene from Planes, Trains and Automobiles. His impersonations of Martin and Candy are so spot-on it’s downright eerie.

Hardesty says he is no longer taking requests, but I suppose he might be open to suggestions. Can you think of any well-written, dialog-heavy scenes involving two actors who display a range of emotions but don’t interact physically (thus making it possible for Hardesty to perform both)?

I Woulda Come Up With A Funny Title If I Wasn’t Ill

NyCap — a winter time drink for the parents of small children

  • 1 oz tequila
  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • 1 oz 151 proof rum
  • Black Coffee
  • 2 tbls. NyQuil (cherry flavored)
  • Whipped cream
  • Coarse Sugar

Moisten rim of glass. Dip rim into coarse sugar to coat heavily. Pour tequila and coffee liquor into glass. Gently float 151 proof rum on top. Carefully ignite rum and swirl glass to lightly melt sugar with flame. Immediately pour in coffee to extinguish flames. Fill glass with whipped cream, top with 2 tbsp. of cherry-flavored NyQuil multi-symptom formula. Bolt in single swallow. The alcohol will numb you to the realizion that you will be spending the next three months confined to the house with a small child, the NyQuil will address the symptoms of whatever pestilence du jour your twerp brought home from the daycare yesterday, and the coffee and sugar will give you a burst of energy sufficient to clean exactly two of the scores of dishes that have accumulated in the sink while you’ve been grappling with the plague. Bottoms up!

Today I am sick, so that’s as funny as I get, folks. Here’s some links instead:

  • List of the 100 best board games of all time as voted on by a bunch of nerds. Apparently I was one of them, although I don’t recall participating. And if I did participate, why the hell didn’t Bermuda Triangle make the list — that game was awesome!
  • I wonder how many Ralph Wiggum quotations are registered domain names. – check! – check! – check! – check. – check! – check! Jesus, the list just goes on and on. still available, though.
  • Clever idea, cool video, good way to get yourself shot by security.
  • I guess the second one didn’t actually have any links in it. Or the fourth one, for that matter. I’m sick.