December 18th, 2002
In a fit of nostalgia I tracked down and listened some Kris Kross songs yesterday. DO NOT DO THIS!!!! Specifically, do not listen to this mp3 of “Jump”. That song is evil infectious — and I don’t mean “infectious” in a good way, like laughter, I mean “infectious” in a bad way, like Pink Eye. You know how your cat, when he senses you’re going to take him to the vet, slinks under the couch, and when you try and fish him out he keeps moving to different, remote, unreachable spots, and then, when you finally move the whole sofa away from the wall and grab him by the nape and try and pull him out, he digs his claws into the carpet so the entire extraction process is accompanied by a loud ripping noise? That is what “Jump” will do to your head. I have been singing the chorus non-stop for two days now, inserting every element of my mundane life into it as I go.
The Queen: Don’t forget to send your grandmother a Christmas card.Me: Grandma’ll make ya: Jump! Jump!The Queen: Why are you doing that?Me: Kris Kross’ll drive ya: Nuts! Nuts!The Queen: You’d better knock that off.Me: My wife is gonna: Punch! Punch!Also! DO NOT SEE WINDTALKERS!! I had the misfortune of viewing this alleged “movie” over the weekend and, lemmie tell ya, it’s terrible. It’s worse than terrible. It’s whatever comes after terrible. It’s petable. The credits said that it took two people to write the screenplay. Presumably one person sat in front of his TV watching every cheesy war movie ever made, while a second guy sat at a typewriter, and occasionally Guy One would shout to Guy Two: “Okay, here’s a scene that’s been in the last dozen films; write this down.” I mean, this had them all: The Placid Scene Just Before The Soldiers Meet Their Doom Where They All Casually Discuss What They Are Going To Do When They “Get Out,” The Scene Where The One Racist In The Platoon Who Constantly Belittles The One Minority In The Platoon Is Saved By The One Minority In The Platoon And Changes His Ways, The Scene Where Some Guy Gets Shot (actually, Windtalkers contained this particular scene approximately one infinity times). It really did a good job of conveying the horrors of war, though, as I am now under the impression that combat is the most boring activity imaginable.Also! If you read some great idea here on the yeti, and then you later discover a news article about some joker who used that same idea to make a bajillion dollars, DO NOT TELL ME!!! (I’m talking to you, Jonathan Harris). I prefer to believe (a) I am the only one who comes up with these schemes, and (b) the reason I am not a millionaire is because I am a Pisces, and certainly not due to any lack of initiative on my part. I have worked for years to hone and maintain my current state of blissful ignorance, and I don’t need you screwing it up with reality.* * *
September 9th, 2002
Speaking of vocabulary, I’d like to propose a new word, one that the English lexicon desperately needs. The word is “Stuplime” (st* * *