Toyota Recalls Remaining Models Due to Faulty Chick Magnets

Toyota suffered yet another setback today, as it was forced to recall all remaining models due to faulty chick magnets. "We've received numerous complaints about the complete lack of arousal induced by our dependable, fuel-efficient vehicles," said Shotaro Kamiya, spokesman for the beleaguered automotive company. "The panty-dropping capacity of our products falls far short of our standards, and for that

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Swine Flu Threat Level Raised to Phase 11

WASHINGTON D.C. - Cough! Cough cough! One sec. Cough! Cough cough! Ahem. Aherem. Okay. The World Health Organization raised the H1N1 threat level from Phase 5 to Phase 11 this morning, indicating cough! Indicating that there are now documented cases of website-to-human transmission of the disease commonly known as "Swine Flu". The level was raised cough! cough! Cough cough! Jesus

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Fed Cuts Rates on Money, Chicks

The Federal Reserve today cut a key interest rate to zero, allowing borrowers to get money for nothing. In a related move, the Fed also set the short-term lending rate of chicks to free. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said the adjustments were necessary to avoid a deflationary spiral and to prevent the acquisitions of blisters on little fingers and

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United States Successfully Exports Remaining Democracy

President Bush's program to export democracy to the Middle East reached fruition yesterday, as the last of America's dominant political philosophy was shipped to Manama. "Don't say I never gave you nuthin', Bahrain," Bush joked during a ceremony at a Washington D.C. "Ship 4 Less" outlet, during which he carefully placed the remaining democracy in a cardboard box filled with

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Nebraska Moves 2008 Presidental Primary to 1:30 This Afternoon

Nebraska became the latest in a series of states "frontloading" the 2008 campaign season, rescheduling their presidential primary from its previous date of Feb. 26, 2008 to 1:30 this afternoon. "Nebraska has been all but ignored by the campaigns for too long," said Governor Dave Heineman, after making the announcement this morning. "Well, you can bet they're talking about us

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And Now For Something Completely The Same …

I just saw a commercial on CNN. "50 Years Of Pop Culture," it said, "Thursday on CNN." Either they are airing an hour-long retrospective on the last 50 years of pop culture, or, from today forward, they are going to spend 50 years focusing on pop culture. The latter would probably be easier for them, as it would require no

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Seattle Follies

Last Friday I got email from my friend Phyllis Fletcher:To: Matthew From: Phyllis Subject: Help--need jokes!! I will represent KUOW at Town Hall's Seattle Follies, Thu April 26, 7:30PM. Send me some jokes! Phyllis     * * *     To: Phyllis From: Matthew Subject: Re: Help--need jokes!! How many Seattlites does it take to replace a light bulb?

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TMI

Headline: Hillary Tapped Bill Earlier Than Expected Haven't we already heard more than enough about Clinton's sex life?

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March Madness Sweeps Innsmouth

Rates of clinical psychosis have skyrocketed amongst the residents of Innsmouth, Massachusetts over the last two weeks, says Wingate Peaslee, professor of psychology at Miskatonic University. "We see this every year," said Peaslee, "'March Madness,' as we call it--characterized by religious fervor, hydrophilia, and compulsive chanting--typically sets in around the spring equinox, and continues until Walpurgisnacht." The people of the

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