Headline News
July 15th, 2005
ROVE SPENDS DAY RANDOMLY CALLING CHILDREN,
REVEALING IDENTITY OF HALF-BLOOD PRINCE
Posts categorized “News”.
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Bush On Iraq: Blah Blah Blah Blah
June 28th, 2005
As his poll numbers continue to sag, Bush gave The Speech again today before a military audience at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, home to Airborne and special operations forces.
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah," said the President, probably in reference to freedom or democracy or something. "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah."
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah," he continued to sporadic applause.
The Speech comes at a time when just 40 percent of those responding said they approved of Bush's handling of the war, while 58 percent said they disapproved. In an attempt to shore up public opinion, Bush reiterated his central message regarding the war in Iraq: "Blah blah blah."
"Blah blah blah blah blah," he said, struggling to explain why the effort is important to U.S. security. He undoubtedly mentioned September 11th a few times, somewhere in there.
Bush concluded the 30-minute Speech with "God bless America," we're guessing.
The next recitation of The Speech is scheduled for October 14th, 2005.
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Senate Agrees To Vote On Bolton’s Mustache
June 7th, 2005
While John Bolton's confirmation as US ambassador to the United Nations remains uncertain, the senate today agreed to a straight up-or-down vote on the judiciousness of Bolton's mustache. "We have a constitutional duty to advise and consent Presidential nominees," said Susan Collins, R-Maine, one of the six senators who brokered the compromise, "and while we're waiting to consent, we figured we'd take a crack at advising." The vote, originally scheduled for this afternoon, was pushed back to Thursday after a rift opened between the senators advocating an "aggressive trim" and the so-called "Norelco sixty-two" who urge Bolton to make a clean shave of things. "The color doesn't even match his hair," said Sen. Mark Pryor, D-Arkansas, who counts himself squarely in the latter camp. "Does he somehow not know what it looks like?" Thought a vote seems all but inevitable, President George Bush continued to stand by Bolton's mustache, calling it "the right facial hair for the right lip." Also rallying to Bolton's defense was Sen. John McCain, who called the mustache "rather dashing" and is expected to cast the lone vote in favor of its retention in an effort to preserve his reputation as a maverick.
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Crisis On US’s Earth To Address GOP Continuity Errors
May 5th, 2005
At a press conference earlier today, Ken Mehlman, chairman of the The Republican National Committee, announced "Crisis on US's Earth," an ambitious, year-long initiative to address the multitude of continuity errors George Bush and the Republicans in Congress have introduced into the GOP Universe.
"We're very excited", Mehlman said, speaking with reporters. "It's going to be a major crossover event, involving all the branches of government we control: legislative, executive and judicial. No checks and balances here -- we're pulling out all the stops."
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, who was also at the conference, spoke of the need for the program. "We have way too many divergent storylines right now: we're 'fiscal conservatives' spending like drunken sailors, we're against their activist judges but for our activist judges, we're for smaller government while presiding over its expansion ... We need to eliminate all the old plot threads, like the notion that Republicans stand for state's rights and whatnot."
Mehlman agreed, especially in regards to the President. "You got your Compassionate Conservative of the 2000 campaign -- the 'Golden Age Bush,' we like to call him; then there's Bush II, the wartime president; and now the modern-age Bush, obsessed with social security and beholden to the Religious Right. We need to hammer down his character and completely relaunch this guy."
Industries insiders say that the overhaul was precipitated by Bush's increasingly reliance on "parallel universes" (such as the one where voters gave him a mandate in 2004) and "imaginary stories" (such as Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction). The Iraq war has been particularly vexing for Republicans, with no less that three "origin stories" (WMDs, liberation, democracy promotion), each of which is considered canonical. In addressing this issue, Crisis On US's Earth will introduce the "Anti-monitors" -- a second set of UN weapons inspectors who actually found stockpiles of chemical weapons in early 2003 and urged the president to attack immediately. When asked how these new characters will be integrated into the existing timeline, Mehlman shrugged and said, "we'll just casually mention them of FOX News. Americans have always been very accepting of our retcons."
Though not slated to begin until June, Mehlman's announcement that the initiative will "involve all the superstars of the GOP Universe, but not all will survive" has set off a flurry of speculation as to who will be written out of the post-Crisis world. The most prominent rumor states that Majority Leader Tom Delay will perish of a heart attack after running wildly around the floor of the senate, heroically disrupting a democratic filibuster.
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See Ya
April 26th, 2005
News … on the march!
Syrian Troops Say Farewell to LebanonSyria ended its 29-year military presence in Lebanon today with a farewell ceremony near their shared border ...
Hahaha. Yeah I bet that shindig was a hoot. Like a retirement party for a coworker that no one liked.
I can see the Syrians opening their “We’ll Miss You!” greeting card and feigning delight at the enclosed $50 Applebees gift certificate, while Lebanonese duck in, grab plates of Safeway chocolate raspberry sheet cake, and start sidling toward the exit.
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Elves Of Valinor Warn Of “Critical Security Flaw” In Palant
January 12th, 2005
The Elves of Valinor, creators of the popular palant
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Elves Of Valinor Warn Of “Critical Security Flaw” In Palant
January 12th, 2005
The Elves of Valinor, creators of the popular palant
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Elves Of Valinor Warn Of “Critical Security Flaw” In Palant
January 12th, 2005
The Elves of Valinor, creators of the popular palant
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Elves Of Valinor Warn Of “Critical Security Flaw” In Palant
January 12th, 2005
The Elves of Valinor, creators of the popular palant
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No Draft If Bush Reelected Say Officials
October 29th, 2004
Seeking to assuage fears amongst young Islamic extremists, top Al Qaeda officials vowed that the draft will not be reinstated if George W. Bush remains president of the United States. "We don't see the need, frankly, given the debacle in Iraq, the Abu Ghraib prison scandal, and the rising tide of anti-Americanism around the globe," said Al Qaeda spokesman Sulaiman Khayr at a press conference today. "A second Bush term should ensure ample recruits for our cause, and allow us to continue to fighting the War For Terror using an all-volunteer jihad." Khayr also cited the wide variety of terrorist organizations that have now joined forces in opposition to US policies, and expressed confidence that, if given four more years, Bush would continue to serve as a uniter, not a divider.
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