Recent Tweets

Just saw a woman talking on two cell phones simultaneously while driving, one in her left hand, the other shoulder-pinned to her right ear. Not a joke. Nov 10, 04:42 PM Hopefully the "major character is replaced by a black man" thing will last longer for America than it did for Iron Man or Green Lantern. Nov 10, 07:37 PM

Read more

Recent Tweets

My manager wants me to start sending "status reports." Copying these things from Facebook to email is a drag--can't he just friend me? Oct 23, 09:30 AM Dinner tonight: Fun-Sized Twizzler, beer, Fun-Sized Twizzler, Fun-Sized Kit-Kat, slice of pumpkin bread, beer. Oct 28, 06:30 PM Thanks to the miracle of Facebook I am now "friends" with a dozen people who

Read more

Recent Tweets

Something went haywire with my office chair. Now, over the course of the day, my body loses elevation at the same rate as my morale.. Oct 6, 1:17 PM Surest harbinger of a recession: morning "news" piece on fanatical coupon-clippers. Oct 14, 08:54 AM The hardest thing about writing is getting yourself into a state of not not writing. Oct

Read more

Recent Tweets

Lonely pair of discarded pants / Laying by the side of the road / Who cruelly abandoned you / Just as the party got started? Sep 22, 06:01 PM Turkey bacon is to bacon what Paris Hilton is to Audrey Hepburn. Sep 23, 07:42 AM "I am suspending my campaign--and call on Senator Obama to do likewise--so we can jointly

Read more

Recent Tweets

Insurance guy: Why does your son need this? Me: He has autism. IG: I'll authorize 6 mo. worth. Then, if he still has autism, call us back. Sep 8, 08:01 PM All this commotion about Sarah being a Holy Warrior is causing quite the Palin-din. Sep 9, 10:31 AM AP headline: "Stocks Plunge Downward". What, do these guys get paid

Read more

Recent Tweets

Having one of my rare good hair days. If you know me in person, please strive to see me before I go to bed this evening. Aug 26, 01:23 PM Debating whether to watch Hillary Clinton tonight or Battlestar Galactica. Eh, it's cylons either way. Aug 26, 02:35 PM Free idea for right-wingers: start referring to pro-immigration advocates as "pedrophiles".

Read more

Recent Tweets

"In a move wildly perceived as a major gaffe for the presumptive Democratic nominee, Obama today named arugula as his 2008 running mate." Aug 21, 06:01 PM In the office restroom, peeing alongside three colleagues. Thought of something funny and loudly guffawed while staring at own penis. Aug 22, 11:36 AM Who Will Be Obama's VP is the Who Shot

Read more

Recent Tweets

I do something wrong: accident. You do something wrong: character flaw. Aug 15, 07:50 PM I wonder how many newspapers have the headline "Biden: His Time" all queued up and ready for Obama's VP announcement. Aug 19, 03:43 PM Asked my 4-year-old aspie "what's 14 minus hot dog?" and he laughed uproariously. That joke kills in my household. Aug 19,

Read more

Recent Tweets

Attn all: I have decided to stop referring to myself as "morbidly obese" and will henceforth self-identify as "a passionate foodie". July 22, 05:58 PMM Today has been admirably proactive in regards to sucking. July 24, 08:10 AM My biggest relationship problem is that I am all give and no take. Specifically showers. Just won't take 'em. Jul 30, 06:36

Read more

Recent Tweets

Rice cakes are actually pretty tasty, when properly frosted. Jul 9, 6:39 PM Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac threaten America. Actual economic news, not the title to a misguided "Little Rascals" feature film. Jul 11, 9:38 AM Apparently life expectancy has fallen. Thank god. It's nice to know that people are now expecting less from my life. Jul 13, 12:57

Read more