Posts categorized “Tweets”.

Recent Tweets

  • Just saw a woman talking on two cell phones simultaneously while driving, one in her left hand, the other shoulder-pinned to her right ear. Not a joke. Nov 10, 04:42 PM
  • Hopefully the “major character is replaced by a black man” thing will last longer for America than it did for Iron Man or Green Lantern. Nov 10, 07:37 PM
  • Me: “There’s a new birth control pill called Yaz?” Wife: “Well, now we know what they were doing upstairs at Eric’s.” Nov 11, 11:27 AM
  • Eating grilled cheese sandwiches always fills me with nostalgia. And grilled cheese sandwiches. Nov 11, 12:26 PM
  • Conspicuously reading Catcher in the Rye at cafes to meet college girls didn’t pan out, so I’ll try reading Lolita at the Twilight premiere. Nov 11, 02:03 PM
  • The great thing about having an emergency kit that consists solely of Otter Pops is that it really makes you excited for an emergency. Nov 12, 10:01 AM
  • I am reliving my high school years. Specifically the parts where I am frequently pulled over for speeding. Nov 13, 08:35 AM
  • Heard Palin’s voice on the radio this morning. It was like a bout of diarrhea 3 days after you thought you’d beaten the flu. Nov 19, 03:21 PM
  • I selected the gmail theme “Lonely.” It always puts “(13)” after “Inbox”. Nov 20, 12:03 PM
  • Drop me a line if you want a Gmail invite, I have 94 left. Nov 20, 01:00 PM
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Recent Tweets

  • My manager wants me to start sending “status reports.” Copying these things from Facebook to email is a drag–can’t he just friend me? Oct 23, 09:30 AM
  • Dinner tonight: Fun-Sized Twizzler, beer, Fun-Sized Twizzler, Fun-Sized Kit-Kat, slice of pumpkin bread, beer. Oct 28, 06:30 PM
  • Thanks to the miracle of Facebook I am now “friends” with a dozen people who wouldn’t give me the time of day in high school. Oct 28, 10:15 PM
  • How many times can you listen to M.I.A.’s “Bucky Done Gone” in a row before it’s time to admit you’re helpless in the face of addiction? Oct 29, 10:24 AM
  • No, because my pocket contains two thumb drives. That’s all I meant when I said I had 8 gigs in my pants. Oct 29, 11:54 AM
  • Technology can advance all it wants, but nothing will ever make me angrier than tailgating or happier than girls in sundresses. Oct 29, 12:35 PM
  • According to this Instant Win Scratch Ticket, a bottle of water is now a “prize”. What kind of crazy Frank Herbert world are we living in? October 29, 1:54 PM
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Recent Tweets

  • Something went haywire with my office chair. Now, over the course of the day, my body loses elevation at the same rate as my morale.. Oct 6, 1:17 PM
  • Surest harbinger of a recession: morning “news” piece on fanatical coupon-clippers. Oct 14, 08:54 AM
  • The hardest thing about writing is getting yourself into a state of not not writing. Oct 14, 12:35 PM
  • I’ve been craving caribou and field mice all day. Being hungry like the wolf is significantly less sexy than advertised. Oct 16, 01:27 PM
  • When I think of all the people in the world who don’t have a doughnut right now it makes me sad, primarily because I am among them. Oct 17, 09:23 AM
  • Even a decade later, Radiohead’s “Creep” and Beck’s “Loser” still resonant with me. I wonder why that is? Oct 17, 12:53 PM
  • I wonder at what point McCain will just pull out of all states and spend his remaining $14 million on Werther’s Originals. Oct 21, 12:58 PM
  • I tricked my son into eating a corn dog by calling it a lollipop. Parenting is essentially just a series of lateral thinking puzzles. Oct 21, 06:09 PM
  • I think Nixon was the last person running for president to rely so heavily on plumbers. Oct 23, 09:02 AM
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Recent Tweets

  • Lonely pair of discarded pants / Laying by the side of the road / Who cruelly abandoned you / Just as the party got started? Sep 22, 06:01 PM
  • Turkey bacon is to bacon what Paris Hilton is to Audrey Hepburn. Sep 23, 07:42 AM
  • "I am suspending my campaign–and call on Senator Obama to do likewise–so we can jointly address Clay Aiken’s wholly unexpected gayness.” Sep 24, 01:36 PM
  • Kind of bummer out that I just lost the game, but at least you just lost it as well. Sep 25, 03:58 PM
  • Palin’s recent statements: it’s like she has an internal library of talking points but was accidentally left on “shuffle mode”. Sep 25, 04:40 PM
  • I’m going to start announcing my daily accomplishments via Twitter. 140 characters will be ample. Sep 26, 03:48 PM
  • Got my first issue of “Tattoo Scene Magazine”. Herve Villechaize’s interview is great, as are his tips for spicing up your sex life. Sep 27, 10:06 AM
  • The idea that McCain said “horseshit” is nonsense. Watch the tape again–he is clearly singing Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “Push It” under his breath. Sep 27, 10:31 AM
  • Joke I just thought up: Why do melons have traditional weddings? Because they cantaloupe. *** MUST CREDIT MATTHEW BALDWIN!! *** Sep 29, 09:33 AM
  • My back-of-the-envelope calculations: to successfully endure Thursday’s debate you will need to start drinking at 4:25 this afternoon. Sep 30, 09:29 AM
  • Palintology: the study of dinosaur / human coexistence. Sep 30, 02:06 PM
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Recent Tweets

  • Insurance guy: Why does your son need this? Me: He has autism. IG: I’ll authorize 6 mo. worth. Then, if he still has autism, call us back. Sep 8, 08:01 PM
  • All this commotion about Sarah being a Holy Warrior is causing quite the Palin-din. Sep 9, 10:31 AM
  • AP headline: “Stocks Plunge Downward”. What, do these guys get paid by the word? Sep 15, 03:45 PM
  • Discovered today: 30 years later, playing “Perfection” still gives me a headache. Sep 20, 04:26 PM
  • Oh Christ, I’m such an idiot. Spent the whole weekend looking for the greatest love of all; turned out it was inside of me the whole time. Sep 21, 11:46 AM
  • Attn. all: I am unable to poop waffles and pee maple syrup. That, at any rate, is what I told my hungry & impatient 4-year-old this morning. Sep 22, 11:14 AM
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Recent Tweets

  • Having one of my rare good hair days. If you know me in person, please strive to see me before I go to bed this evening. Aug 26, 01:23 PM
  • Debating whether to watch Hillary Clinton tonight or Battlestar Galactica. Eh, it’s cylons either way. Aug 26, 02:35 PM
  • Free idea for right-wingers: start referring to pro-immigration advocates as “pedrophiles”. Aug 30, 05:52 PM
  • Re. Palin vetting: Heck of a job, POWnie. Sep 2, 09:48 AM
  • The only thing worse that being stuck in a 3 hour training session is being stuck in a 3 hour training session that you’re providing. Sep 3, 12:21 PM
  • Today I had my first exposure to the TV program “7th Heaven”. On the upside, at least now I have the antibodies. Sep 5, 04:45 PM
  • My mother described “7th Heaven” as “kind of like Murder She Wrote … in that you’ll probably make fun of it on your blog.” Sep 5, 04:46 PM
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Recent Tweets

  • “In a move wildly perceived as a major gaffe for the presumptive Democratic nominee, Obama today named arugula as his 2008 running mate.” Aug 21, 06:01 PM
  • In the office restroom, peeing alongside three colleagues. Thought of something funny and loudly guffawed while staring at own penis. Aug 22, 11:36 AM
  • Who Will Be Obama’s VP is the Who Shot J.R. of 2008. Aug 22, 01:33 PM
  • It’s not exactly cosplay, but I have a serious Solomon Grundy hair thing going on today. Aug 22, 02:50 PM
  • Reviewing your Netflix queue uncovers repressed memories from drunken blackouts. “Buh? When did I put Glitter on here- ohhhhh. Right.” Aug 25, 11:12 AM
  • I appreciate that McCain starts every speech with “my friends” because then I know he’s not talking to me and can stop listening. Aug 25, 11:18 AM
  • My friend told me that her acupuncturist also does cupping. Man, I get slapped when I pull that shit on the bus and this guy is CHARGING for it? Aug 25, 09:14 PM
  • Hands of woman next to me on freeway fidgeting wildly on steering wheel. Wondered if she was on meth before I realized she was knitting. Aug 26, 09:39 AM
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Recent Tweets

  • I do something wrong: accident. You do something wrong: character flaw. Aug 15, 07:50 PM
  • I wonder how many newspapers have the headline “Biden: His Time” all queued up and ready for Obama’s VP announcement. Aug 19, 03:43 PM
  • Asked my 4-year-old aspie “what’s 14 minus hot dog?” and he laughed uproariously. That joke kills in my household. Aug 19, 08:05 PM
  • Played Agricola last night, new boardgame that’s allegedly better than making love to a cupcake. It’s really satisfying! The sex, I mean. Aug 21, 09:44 AM
  • Oh, and Agricola was pretty good too. Aug 21, 09:56 AM
  • Christopher Nolan is a nerd godsend. Now I can hold an impromptu, 20 minute conversation about Batman with ANYONE! Aug 21, 10:09 AM
  • “hey wassup u votin 4 me or wht? txt me bck k?” Getting like seven of these a day. Signing up to receive IMs from Obama was a mistake. Aug 21, 10:37 AM
  • If “people who stand in the middle of the hallway and hold conversations” were a distinct race, genocide wouldn’t seem so bad. Aug 21, 01:52 PM
  • I thought “flag pin” was destined to be the dumbest political “issue” of all time, but “arugula” is giving it a run for its money. Aug 21, 03:52 PM
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Recent Tweets

  • Attn all: I have decided to stop referring to myself as “morbidly obese” and will henceforth self-identify as “a passionate foodie”. July 22, 05:58 PMM
  • Today has been admirably proactive in regards to sucking. July 24, 08:10 AM
  • My biggest relationship problem is that I am all give and no take. Specifically showers. Just won’t take ‘em. Jul 30, 06:36 PM
  • My local grocery store sells “Popcorn Salt.” “No MSG” & “All Natural” boasts the packaging. $2.29 for 3 oz. The ingredients say “salt”. Jul 30, 08:51 PM
  • I’m always amazed when I see someone who still rides a Segway. I feel like I should take them aside and let them in on the joke. Aug 3, 10:45 PM
  • Each election year is an ethics test for the mainstream media, and the paper is invariably returned with “See Me After Class”. Aug 5, 10:34 AM
  • Wow, metadrug.com is giving Blank, the new oxycodone / cocaine / tobacco hybrid, a 86%. I’ll have to check that out. Aug 6, 10:13 AM
  • Guy on NPR was explaining Extreme Programming to listeners. My god, it’s like they are broadcasting FROM THE FUTURE! Aug 6, 03:42 PM
  • OMG, I wrote a derogatory tweet about some random person I heard on the radio and it turns out he follows me. This is my finest hour. Aug 6, 04:07 PM
  • War in Afghanistan, rising US / Russia tensions. This WATCHMEN ad campaign is amazing. Aug 11, 08:28 PM
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Recent Tweets

  • Rice cakes are actually pretty tasty, when properly frosted. Jul 9, 6:39 PM
  • Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac threaten America. Actual economic news, not the title to a misguided “Little Rascals” feature film. Jul 11, 9:38 AM
  • Apparently life expectancy has fallen. Thank god. It’s nice to know that people are now expecting less from my life. Jul 13, 12:57 PM
  • To the kid at the bustop twirling sai: you look more “teenage turtle” than “mutant ninja”, I’m afraid. Jul 15, 2:13 PM
  • Old woman yelled at me as I zipped past on my bicycle. “You scared the PUDDING outta me!” she shrieked. Jul 15, 2:40 PM
  • NPR: I would gladly contribute if you could guarantee that I’d NOT somehow wind up at the “Rhubarb Tour With Garrison Keillor”. Jul 17, 12:06 PM
  • Some asshole assaulted me while I tried to eat lunch. Now I am shaken and hungry. Jul 21, 12:50 PM
  • Oh god, I am miserably overfull. I am going to travel back in time 40 minutes and slap that burrito from my own hand before I can eat it. Jul 21, 1:30 PM
  • I wish I could quit you! But I must instead irritate you until I get fired, if I want to collect unemployment. Jul 21, 3:25 PM
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