Posts categorized “Tweets”.
November 19th, 2008
- Just saw a woman talking on two cell phones simultaneously while driving, one in her left hand, the other shoulder-pinned to her right ear. Not a joke.
- Hopefully the “major character is replaced by a black man” thing will last longer for America than it did for Iron Man or Green Lantern.
- Me: “There’s a new birth control pill called Yaz?” Wife: “Well, now we know what they were doing upstairs at Eric’s.”
- Eating grilled cheese sandwiches always fills me with nostalgia. And grilled cheese sandwiches.
- Conspicuously reading Catcher in the Rye at cafes to meet college girls didn’t pan out, so I’ll try reading Lolita at the Twilight premiere.
- The great thing about having an emergency kit that consists solely of Otter Pops is that it really makes you excited for an emergency.
- I am reliving my high school years. Specifically the parts where I am frequently pulled over for speeding.
- Heard Palin’s voice on the radio this morning. It was like a bout of diarrhea 3 days after you thought you’d beaten the flu.
- I selected the gmail theme “Lonely.” It always puts “(13)” after “Inbox”.
- Drop me a line if you want a Gmail invite, I have 94 left.
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October 28th, 2008
- My manager wants me to start sending “status reports.” Copying these things from Facebook to email is a drag–can’t he just friend me?
- Dinner tonight: Fun-Sized Twizzler, beer, Fun-Sized Twizzler, Fun-Sized Kit-Kat, slice of pumpkin bread, beer.
- Thanks to the miracle of Facebook I am now “friends” with a dozen people who wouldn’t give me the time of day in high school.
- How many times can you listen to M.I.A.’s “Bucky Done Gone” in a row before it’s time to admit you’re helpless in the face of addiction?
- No, because my pocket contains two thumb drives. That’s all I meant when I said I had 8 gigs in my pants.
- Technology can advance all it wants, but nothing will ever make me angrier than tailgating or happier than girls in sundresses.
- According to this Instant Win Scratch Ticket, a bottle of water is now a “prize”. What kind of crazy Frank Herbert world are we living in?
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October 22nd, 2008
- Something went haywire with my office chair. Now, over the course of the day, my body loses elevation at the same rate as my morale..
- Surest harbinger of a recession: morning “news” piece on fanatical coupon-clippers.
- The hardest thing about writing is getting yourself into a state of not not writing.
- I’ve been craving caribou and field mice all day. Being hungry like the wolf is significantly less sexy than advertised.
- When I think of all the people in the world who don’t have a doughnut right now it makes me sad, primarily because I am among them.
- Even a decade later, Radiohead’s “Creep” and Beck’s “Loser” still resonant with me. I wonder why that is?
- I wonder at what point McCain will just pull out of all states and spend his remaining $14 million on Werther’s Originals.
- I tricked my son into eating a corn dog by calling it a lollipop. Parenting is essentially just a series of lateral thinking puzzles.
- I think Nixon was the last person running for president to rely so heavily on plumbers.
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October 2nd, 2008
- Lonely pair of discarded pants / Laying by the side of the road / Who cruelly abandoned you / Just as the party got started?
- Turkey bacon is to bacon what Paris Hilton is to Audrey Hepburn.
- "I am suspending my campaign–and call on Senator Obama to do likewise–so we can jointly address Clay Aiken’s wholly unexpected gayness.”
- Kind of bummer out that I just lost the game, but at least you just lost it as well.
- Palin’s recent statements: it’s like she has an internal library of talking points but was accidentally left on “shuffle mode”.
- I’m going to start announcing my daily accomplishments via Twitter. 140 characters will be ample.
- Got my first issue of “Tattoo Scene Magazine”. Herve Villechaize’s interview is great, as are his tips for spicing up your sex life.
- The idea that McCain said “horseshit” is nonsense. Watch the tape again–he is clearly singing Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “Push It” under his breath.
- Joke I just thought up: Why do melons have traditional weddings? Because they cantaloupe. *** MUST CREDIT MATTHEW BALDWIN!! ***
- My back-of-the-envelope calculations: to successfully endure Thursday’s debate you will need to start drinking at 4:25 this afternoon.
- Palintology: the study of dinosaur / human coexistence.
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September 22nd, 2008
- Insurance guy: Why does your son need this? Me: He has autism. IG: I’ll authorize 6 mo. worth. Then, if he still has autism, call us back.
- All this commotion about Sarah being a Holy Warrior is causing quite the Palin-din.
- AP headline: “Stocks Plunge Downward”. What, do these guys get paid by the word?
- Discovered today: 30 years later, playing “Perfection” still gives me a headache.
- Oh Christ, I’m such an idiot. Spent the whole weekend looking for the greatest love of all; turned out it was inside of me the whole time.
- Attn. all: I am unable to poop waffles and pee maple syrup. That, at any rate, is what I told my hungry & impatient 4-year-old this morning.
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September 8th, 2008
- Having one of my rare good hair days. If you know me in person, please strive to see me before I go to bed this evening.
- Debating whether to watch Hillary Clinton tonight or Battlestar Galactica. Eh, it’s cylons either way.
- Free idea for right-wingers: start referring to pro-immigration advocates as “pedrophiles”.
- Re. Palin vetting: Heck of a job, POWnie.
- The only thing worse that being stuck in a 3 hour training session is being stuck in a 3 hour training session that you’re providing.
- Today I had my first exposure to the TV program “7th Heaven”. On the upside, at least now I have the antibodies.
- My mother described “7th Heaven” as “kind of like Murder She Wrote … in that you’ll probably make fun of it on your blog.”
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August 26th, 2008
- “In a move wildly perceived as a major gaffe for the presumptive Democratic nominee, Obama today named arugula as his 2008 running mate.”
- In the office restroom, peeing alongside three colleagues. Thought of something funny and loudly guffawed while staring at own penis.
- Who Will Be Obama’s VP is the Who Shot J.R. of 2008.
- It’s not exactly cosplay, but I have a serious Solomon Grundy hair thing going on today.
- Reviewing your Netflix queue uncovers repressed memories from drunken blackouts. “Buh? When did I put Glitter on here- ohhhhh. Right.”
- I appreciate that McCain starts every speech with “my friends” because then I know he’s not talking to me and can stop listening.
- My friend told me that her acupuncturist also does cupping. Man, I get slapped when I pull that shit on the bus and this guy is CHARGING for it?
- Hands of woman next to me on freeway fidgeting wildly on steering wheel. Wondered if she was on meth before I realized she was knitting.
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August 21st, 2008
- I do something wrong: accident. You do something wrong: character flaw.
- I wonder how many newspapers have the headline “Biden: His Time” all queued up and ready for Obama’s VP announcement.
- Asked my 4-year-old aspie “what’s 14 minus hot dog?” and he laughed uproariously. That joke kills in my household.
- Played Agricola last night, new boardgame that’s allegedly better than making love to a cupcake. It’s really satisfying! The sex, I mean.
- Oh, and Agricola was pretty good too.
- Christopher Nolan is a nerd godsend. Now I can hold an impromptu, 20 minute conversation about Batman with ANYONE!
- “hey wassup u votin 4 me or wht? txt me bck k?” Getting like seven of these a day. Signing up to receive IMs from Obama was a mistake.
- If “people who stand in the middle of the hallway and hold conversations” were a distinct race, genocide wouldn’t seem so bad.
- I thought “flag pin” was destined to be the dumbest political “issue” of all time, but “arugula” is giving it a run for its money.
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August 11th, 2008
- Attn all: I have decided to stop referring to myself as “morbidly obese” and will henceforth self-identify as “a passionate foodie”.
- Today has been admirably proactive in regards to sucking.
- My biggest relationship problem is that I am all give and no take. Specifically showers. Just won’t take ‘em.
- My local grocery store sells “Popcorn Salt.” “No MSG” & “All Natural” boasts the packaging. $2.29 for 3 oz. The ingredients say “salt”.
- I’m always amazed when I see someone who still rides a Segway. I feel like I should take them aside and let them in on the joke.
- Each election year is an ethics test for the mainstream media, and the paper is invariably returned with “See Me After Class”.
- Wow, metadrug.com is giving Blank, the new oxycodone / cocaine / tobacco hybrid, a 86%. I’ll have to check that out.
- Guy on NPR was explaining Extreme Programming to listeners. My god, it’s like they are broadcasting FROM THE FUTURE!
- OMG, I wrote a derogatory tweet about some random person I heard on the radio and it turns out he follows me. This is my finest hour.
- War in Afghanistan, rising US / Russia tensions. This WATCHMEN ad campaign is amazing.
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July 21st, 2008
- Rice cakes are actually pretty tasty, when properly frosted.
- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac threaten America. Actual economic news, not the title to a misguided “Little Rascals” feature film.
- Apparently life expectancy has fallen. Thank god. It’s nice to know that people are now expecting less from my life.
- To the kid at the bustop twirling sai: you look more “teenage turtle” than “mutant ninja”, I’m afraid.
- Old woman yelled at me as I zipped past on my bicycle. “You scared the PUDDING outta me!” she shrieked.
- NPR: I would gladly contribute if you could guarantee that I’d NOT somehow wind up at the “Rhubarb Tour With Garrison Keillor”.
- Some asshole assaulted me while I tried to eat lunch. Now I am shaken and hungry.
- Oh god, I am miserably overfull. I am going to travel back in time 40 minutes and slap that burrito from my own hand before I can eat it.
- I wish I could quit you! But I must instead irritate you until I get fired, if I want to collect unemployment.
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