July 24th, 2002
Very Nice Person Elizabeth Blanco (a.k.a. Butterfly Girl) made a button for me: . You could use it to link to defective yeti! Or you could use it to link to Boobleheaddolls.com, I suppose, although that doesn’t make any sense. Or you could print the button out on a piece of paper and keep it on your desk, and then when you are really busy and that one co-worker comes into your office and starts droning on and on about who he thinks is going to win The Mole 2, you could press the button and pretend that it opens a trapdoor or launches boring-seeking missiles or something. That would be fun.
Thanks Butterfly Girl!
July 24th, 2002
Dear diary: Today I made Darth Vader cry.
July 23rd, 2002
Does anyone have any photos of David Lee Roth wearing those assless leather pants? I need some for a sympathy collage I am making for my Great Aunt Rose. If you have any, could you send them to me? Thanks.
July 22nd, 2002
I was listening to the news today and they were talking corporate scandals and Harvey Pitt. (Harvey Pitt, you’ll recall, is the current SEC Chairman, a guy whose future is every bit as bright as the red-shirted unnamed guy on Star Trek who just beamed down to the surface of a planet and is told to look behind that rock.) As usual, every time they said the name “Harvey Pitt” my internal search engine, my pesonal neuroGoogle, began crawling around my synapses trying to figure out why the name “Harvey Pitt” seemed so familiar. This time I finally figured it out: “Harvey Pitt” sounds, to me, like “Harvey Dent” — you know, the Gotham City District Attorney who had acid splashed onto half of his face, who subsequently went insane, and who now harries Batman as the infamous Two-Face.
Then I began thinking about what a great villain Harvey Pitt would make if, you know, some renegade Authur Anderson auditor pushed half of his face into a shredder or something. He could go mad and vow to take he revenge on stockholders everywhere in the guise of “Prospectus: Chairman of the Night”. He could start a gang called “Hostile Takeover” and seek to control of the world’s economy, alongside such evildoers as Bull and Bear, Penny Stock, Liquidity Lad and The Downsizer. And the only thing standing between them and total economic anarchy would be mild-mannered Alan Greenspan, known to corporate criminals everywhere as The Invisible Hand.
Congressman: But Mr. Greenspan, how will this proposal impact rural unemployment?
Greenspan: The stimulus package should be designed to phase out rapidly so that … [Red light on Greenspan’s watch begins to flash] uhhhhhh, if you’ll excuse me, Congressman, I just remembered a very important charity function I have to attend.
I may be a complete geek for thinking all this, but I’m sure you’ll agree: Harvey Pitt and Alan Greenspan, clad in green tights and fist-fighting on Wall Street, would be a helluva lot more interesting than listening to CEOs take the fifth on Lou Dobbs MoneyLine.
July 17th, 2002
Raptureready.com says “The rapture is going to strike without warning. The rapture is going to happen suddenly. The rapture is going to be one of the most astonishing events to ever occur.”
The Rapture may not be the most astonishing event ever to occur, but it’s gonna be, like, in the top ten. Right up there with Richard Hatch winning Survivor and the release of Vanilla Coke.
Underpromise and overdeliver — now that’s how you run a religion!
July 17th, 2002
I have been the victim of an orchestrated and refined scam at least twice. (By “refined” I mean “more elaborate than a guy who doesn’t really need bus fare hitting me up for a dollar”.) I may have been bilked on other occasions but, if so, I am blissfully unaware of it.
Short Change: I got nailed by a quick-change artist when I was 17 and working as a cashier of a restaurant. A guy comes in and asks me to make change a $20 bill. As soon as I took the bill he began talking a mile a minute about nothing in particular, and after he received his change (a ten, a five and five ones) he suddenly pulled a wad of money out of his coat pocket and said “Shit, I didn’t need change after all, I have all these ones in my coat.” So he shows me “ten” ones and says, “Here, just give me a $10 bill for these.” I give him a $10 bill, he hands me the ones, I count them and find only nine. “I only gave you nine? Well, here,” the guy says and hands me another $1 bill. Then he says “Fuck, this is a nightmare. Take back this $10 bill too and just give me back my original twenty bucks.” I do so, and he leaves while I stand there thinking “waaaaaaaait a minute ….” I had to write all the transactions onto a piece of paper to figure out that I had lost $10.
Wallet Drop: I was walking down a sidewalk in Bolivia when I see the guy about 20 meters ahead of me pull his wallet out of his back pocket. He does something with it (walking all the time), and then goes to shove it back into his pocket — except it doesn’t go it right and falls to the sidewalk. Instinct compelled me to take a few steps forward with the intent of picking it up, but then I remember that a million South American scams start with the classic “dropped wallet maneuver,’ so I pull up short and glace around. Sure enough, the shifty-looking Other Guy is standing right there beside me. “Hey,” Other Guy says lamely, “You, uh, oughtta return that.” I immediately knew something was up, so I said “you return it,” and hightailed it out of there. I suspect the plan was for Other Guy to pick my pocket while I stooped, but I’ll (thankfully) never know for sure.
July 16th, 2002
Now you can make your very own Red Meat comic strip with the Red Meat Construction Set Go’wan, make one: It’s fun!
July 15th, 2002
Yes! defective yeti is the #1 Google search result for the key phrase drunken shenanigans. I have never been prouder.