The Office
"Personas"

by
Matthew Baldwin

Email: matthewbaldwin@gmail.com
Personas homepage: defectiveyeti.com/theoffice





                                      COLD OPEN

               INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING

               Michael is at the front of the room and the rest of the staff
               is paired up. Each group has a flipchart, on which they have
               jotted down descriptions of fictional people: names, ages,
               sexes, occupations, etc.

               PHYLLIS, paired with MEREDITH, is standing, addressing the
               room, wrapping up her presentation.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Gerald's primary paper needs are
                         eight by eleven white bond for the
                         printer and number 10 security
                         envelopes.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Excellent. Good work Phyllis.

                                   MICHAEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                         Personas are a top-level project
                         management tool used by business
                         experts around the world. 

               MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

                                   MICHAEL
                         What you do is you make up
                         characters and pretend that they
                         are your customers. And then you
                         ask them for advice on how to
                         improve. And that way you don't
                         have to talk to real customers.

               INT. CONFERENCE ROOM  

               Dwight is completing his presentation. The flipchart looks
               like a Dungeon and Dragons character sheet, complete with
               stats on the left-hand side and a sketch of a barbarian.

               STANLEY, his partner, sits nearby, engrossed in his puzzle
               book.

                                   DWIGHT
                         ... when in a beserker rage,
                         Rivenheart can attack twice per
                         round but is unable to defend.

                                   MICHAEL
                             (exasperated)
                         Dwight, you -- Missing the point.
                         Why does your persona need paper? 

                                   DWIGHT
                         He doesn't need paper. His history
                         is written in the lamentation of
                         his enemies.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Okay sit down. Just-- Sit down.

               Dwight does so as Michael wrestles with his irritation.

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         Who's next? Jim and Kevin.

               KEVIN looks at JIM with a giddy smile; Jim nods confidently.

               Kevin stands and gestures at his flipchart, on which he has
               written a series of bulletpoints describing his persona.

                                   KEVIN
                         Our persona is "Mark L."

               His pronunciation of "Mark L." is almost identical to
               "Michael", and he pauses expectantly. When there's no
               reaction, he continues, struggling to maintain a straight
               face.

                                   KEVIN (CONT'D)
                         Mark L. is in his mid-40's. Single,
                         no family, no girlfriend. Dead-end
                         job as regional manager in a dying
                         industry. This guy is going
                         nowhere.

               Titters around the room as people recognize the gag. They are
               laughing with Michael, assuming he'll catch on at any moment. 

                                   KEVIN (CONT'D)
                         He tells a lot of bad jokes. His
                         favorite is short, but he knows how
                         to use it. 

               Jim hears his prearranged cue. 

                                   JIM
                         That's what she said!

               Michael laughs.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Good one, Jim! Nicely done. Okay
                         Kevin, let's keep this moving.

               Kevin looks uncertain. 

                                   KEVIN
                         He's always walking around the
                         office interrupting people's work
                         with pointless stories. Or
                         insensitive remarks. About their
                         weight. And baldness ...

                                   MICHAEL
                         Ugch. Why would you even invent
                         this guy?

               Kevin at a loss. Desperately trying to clue Michael in, he
               deviates from the flipchart.

                                   KEVIN 
                         Owns a "World's Best Boss" mug?
                         Drives a Sebring? His birthday is
                         March 15th? No, nothing?

               In a burst of inspiration, Jim leaps to his feet.

                                   JIM
                         I think Mark L.'s worst trait is
                         his utter lack of self-awareness.
                         He wouldn't even recognize a
                         description of himself.
                             (beat; then slowly)
                         Wouldn't even recognize a
                         description ... of himself.

               Michael looks pensive for a moment, on the verge of
               realization. But then he shudders at his mental image of Mark
               and says:

                                   MICHAEL
                         And what are his paper needs?

                                   KEVIN
                             (to Jim; accusatory)
                         You said this would be funny.



                                    END COLD OPEN
                                        ACT I

               MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

               Flowers crowd the left side of the screen.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Corporate wanted to send four
                         people to a Project Management
                         seminar in New York. A lot of
                         money. But they forgot two things.
                         One, I have a phonographic memory.
                         Two, I have highly honed
                         presentation skills. And three, I
                         am focused like a laser on this
                         company's bottom line.
                         So I went. By myself. And now I am
                         re-presenting the material to
                         everyone, the entire staff.
                         Probably saved this company twenty
                         grand, easy.

               ANGELA TALKING HEAD

                                   ANGELA
                         He used the money to upgrade his
                         hotel room to a suite. The
                         honeymoon suite. How do I know?

               She brandishes a form.

                                   ANGELA (CONT'D)
                         Nothing escapes the scrutiny of
                         accounting!
                             (beat)
                         Also, he brought back the bouquet.

               INT. OFFICE

               The camera pushes though the blinds on Michael's office.
               Michael works at his desk, the left side of which is
               dominated by an enormous vase of flowers.

               The camera zooms in on a small white card in the middle of
               the foliage. It reads: "Congratulations Michael and Ryana"

               INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING

               Michael has brought in three "standees". They are of Steve
               Martin (in white suit and arrow through head), Jim Carrey (as
               Ace Ventura), and Robin Williams (as Mrs. Doubtfire).

                                   MICHAEL
                         Now we are going to run through
                         some scenarios. In a scenario we
                         give our personas a problem, and
                         then figure out how Dunder-Mifflin
                         can solve that problem.

               He gestures to Steve Martin.

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         So what's a problem that Carl here
                         might have?

                                   KELLY
                         He's in love with a girl that he
                         has been best friends with since
                         kindergarten, but he doesn't want
                         to tell her because it would
                         complicate their relationship, and
                         in two weeks she is going to marry
                         someone else.

                                   MICHAEL
                         No ...

                                   CREED
                         He awakens in a hotel room with no
                         recollection of how he got there or
                         why he has a tattoo reading "Don't
                         Answer the Phone."

                                   MICHAEL
                         It's got to be a problem related to
                         paper.

                                   STANLEY
                         Maybe he wants to write something
                         down.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Right, perfect. So now let's all
                         brainstorm about how Dunder-Mifflin
                         could solve his problem.

               Long pause.

                                   TOBY
                         We could give him some paper.

                                   MICHAEL
                         No. No. Why are you even here?

                                   TOBY
                         You said it was an all-staff
                         meeting.

                                   MICHAEL
                         All staff, Toby. Not all
                             (struggles)
                         haff ... assed ... corporate
                         drones. Who are divorced. Go back
                         to your desk.

               Toby shuffles mournfully from the room. As he does so, he
               shoots a glare at "Carl".

               Dwight is positioned next to the window; Jim sits next to
               him. During Toby's exit, Dwight glances down and notices a
               band of bright red spandex around Jim's wrist, as if he was
               wearing long underwear.

               Dwight's eyes dart to Jim's throat, where he sees more red
               spandex peek from within his collar.

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         Anyone else? How do we solve Carl's
                         problem? Other than "giving him
                         paper," obviously.

               A long silence as the room is stymied.

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         Come on, people. When I was in New
                         York I was answering these
                         questions like bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! 

                                   JIM
                         Well, we don't have a background in
                         improvisational theater like you
                         do, Michael. 

                                   MICHAEL
                         Excellent point, Jim. See people,
                         that wasn't so hard. Let's move on
                         to another scenario.

               MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

                                   MICHAEL
                         I think my background in
                         improvisational theater probably
                         accounts for my skill in coming up
                         with personas and scenarios. I can
                         come up with, you know. 

               Snaps his fingers. 

               INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

                                   MICHAEL
                         So another scenario might be 
                             (gestures at the Ace
                              Venture standee)
                         If this customer whose name is ...
                         his name, we'll call him ...

               Michael scans the room desperately, his gaze settles on
               Oscar.

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         Jesús Martin- uh, nelli.
                         Martinelli. And Jesús's problem is
                         that he, that he has, that he is
                         gay.

                                   OSCAR
                             (exasperated)
                         Why does he have to be gay?

                                   MICHAEL
                         Because it's biological, Oscar.
                         Okay? It's not a choice.

               At that moment, Pam enters.

                                   PAM
                         Sorry Michael, I have an important
                         message for Jim.

               Pam crosses the room and stage-whispers to Jim, such that
               Dwight can't help but overhear.

                                   PAM (CONT'D)
                         Armed robbery, 3rd and Buchanan.

               Jim nods in acknowledgement. After Pam exits, Jim rises.

                                   JIM
                             (stilted)
                         Excuse me, but I just remembered an
                         important charity event I need to
                         attend.

               Jim hurries from the room.

                                   MICHAEL
                         So let's come up with a scenario
                         for Jesús. What's something that a
                         hispanic homosexual might find
                         difficult? 

                                   OSCAR
                             (under his breath)
                             Coming in to work each
                              morning. 

               Dwight glances out the window. Jim is jogging across the
               parking lot, looking around furtively and wearing a domino
               mask. Dwight's eyes widen. Just before Jim rounds a corner he
               removes his tie and dress shirt, revealing a scarlet, tight
               fitting spandex top. 

               JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD

               Pam smiles and Jim struggles to maintain a straight face as
               he holds up a homemade superhero shirt with a stylized blue
               "J" logo on the chest.

                                   JIM
                         Soo-per Jim.

                                   PAM
                         That is so lame.

                                   JIM
                         What is? "Super Jim"?

                                   PAM
                         What's the point of having a secret
                         identity if you're going to use
                         your real name as part of your
                         superhero name?

                                   JIM
                         That ... is a good point, actually.

                                   PAM
                         You should be The Bluejay.

                                   JIM
                         The -? Where did that come from?

               Pam taps the logo with the big blue "J" in a circle.

                                   PAM
                         Blue J.

               Jim looks at the logo, then at Pam with admiration.

                                   JIM
                         Nice.
                             (to the camera)
                         Now I have to convince Dwight to
                         join my superhero team. 
                             (beat)
                         It probably won't be hard.

               DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

                                   DWIGHT
                         Fact: people who were exposed to
                         radiation at a young age invariably
                         possess latent mutant powers. Fact:
                         when I was seven I swallowed and
                         later excreted a glowing rock.
                         Fact: a balloon vigorously rubbed
                         on my hair will adhere to a wall.
                         You do the math.

               INT. OFFICE - LATER

               The meeting over, everyone exits the conference room. Michael
               emerges with the Jesús standee tucked under his arm. Kelly
               follows with the Mrs. Doubtfire standee, and Pam with Carl.

               INT. RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS

               Pam sets Carl next to the reception desk. Her hand slips as
               she sets him down and she receives a paper cut.

                                   PAM
                         Hey!

               Pam sucks the cut while glaring at Carl.

                                   PAM (CONT'D)
                         Not cool.

               INT. ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS

               Michael has set Jesús down right next to Oscar's desk, and is
               jotting something down on a Post-It note. Finished, he slaps
               it onto Jesús's chest, and then turns to address the room.

                                   MICHAEL
                         People, we are going to station
                         our personas around the office as
                         reminders of who we work for. I
                         want you to use them as a guides.
                         If you have a question about what
                         to do in a particular situation,
                         ask yourself--

               Michael points at the Post-It note, on the top of which we
               can see the name "Jesús".

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         What would he do?

               Angela scowls.

               INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

               As Michael passes on his way to his office, Dwight takes a
               large gilt envelope from his top desk drawer and follows.

               INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

               Dwight enters on Michael's tail. He closes the office door,
               pivots, and hands the envelope to Michael.

                                   DWIGHT
                         This is for you.

                                   MICHAEL
                         What is it?

                                   DWIGHT
                         Open it.

               He starts to tear open the envelope and glitter falls out.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Dwight! Now I have glitter hands.
                         God!

               Michael pulls the thick card out of the envelope as glitter
               showers onto the floor.

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         Cordially invited ... Final episode
                         of... What is this?

                                   DWIGHT
                         I am having a get together tonight,
                         to celebrate the final episode of
                         Battlestar Galactica.

                                   MICHAEL
                         A get together?

                                   DWIGHT
                         A party.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Oh yeah? Who's coming?

                                   DWIGHT
                         People.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Any women?

                                   DWIGHT 
                         Of course not. 

                                   MICHAEL
                         None? Not even Pam? If Jim's coming
                         he's going to bring Pam.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Jim is the last person I would
                         invite.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Who are you inviting.

               Dwight ticks the invitees off on his index and middle finger.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Mose. Michael Scott.
                             (beat)
                         Except Mose lives there, so
                         technically I didn't invite him.

               Dwight puts down his index finger and holds the remaining
               finger aloft.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Just the three of us?

                                   DWIGHT
                         We have barn cats.

                                   MICHAEL
                         I don't .. tonight? I don't think
                         so. I have plans.

                                   DWIGHT
                         With whom?

                                   MICHAEL
                         With a friend. Jesús.

                                   DWIGHT
                         The persona?

                                   MICHAEL
                         Dwight, I'm really busy with this
                         project management stuff right now,
                         Okay? So I need you to leave.

               Dwight snatches the invitation from Michael's hand, gets on
               all fours, and uses his hand to sweep the glitter from the
               floor into the torn envelope. He clambers back to his feet.

                                   DWIGHT
                         You are making a mistake. A huge
                         mistake.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Well ... That's fine.

               INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS

               Dwight emerges from Michael's office to find Jim, back at his
               desk and looking somewhat disheveled: his hair is tousled, he
               has dirt smudges on his face, and his shirt is misbuttoned
               with some scarlet peeking through. 

                                   DWIGHT
                         Where were you?

                                   JIM
                         Oh, I was just--eating lunch.

                                   DWIGHT
                         I thought you were at a charity
                         event.

                                   JIM
                         And I was. A charity luncheon.

                                   DWIGHT
                         For which foundation?

                                   JIM
                         The ... Anorexia Defense Fund. It
                         was great. There was never a line
                         at the buffet.

                                   DWIGHT
                         And yet you appear weak and
                         malnourished, as usual. What did
                         you eat?

                                   JIM
                         Oh man, it was so hard to choose.
                         They had clam chowder and they also
                         had Greek food. So I was in the
                         buffet line going, "Soup or gyro?
                         Soup or gyro?"

               Dwight's eyes narrow.

               INT. RECEPTION AREA - A FEW MINUTES LATER

               Jim approaches, smiling. He doesn't notice that Pam is
               sulking at the reception desk, nursing her wounded hand.

                                   JIM
                         Operation Bluejay is under way.

                                   PAM
                             (curt)
                         Great.

                                   JIM
                         What's wrong?

                                   PAM 
                         Carl cut me.

                                   JIM
                         Who?

               Pam gestures at the standee in irritation.

                                   JIM (CONT'D)
                         Right. Of course. You know I have
                         no head for names.

               A beat. Then Pam flares.

                                   PAM
                         Your fiancee is assaulted and all
                         you can do is make jokes?

               Jim is caught completely off-guard.

                                   JIM
                         Uhh, no. I mean-- I ... will ...
                         take care of him. Right now.

               Jim picks up the standee and carries it back to his area. 

               INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

               As Jim sets the standee down behind Andy's desk, he mutters:

                                   JIM 
                         Thanks for getting me in trouble,
                         Carl.

               INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - CONTINUOUS

               Jim returns to his desk. Dwight is looking at Pam and shaking
               his head, having overheard the exchange with Jim.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Unsurprising. She's due to
                         menstruate in a few days.

                                   JIM
                         That's an offensive and sexist
                         assumption.

               Dwight bends over and, from under his desk, produces the Org
               Chart he made in the episode "Did I Stutter?" (See:
               http://www.nbc.com/the_office/downloads/dunder_mifflin_org_c
               art.pdf). He displays it for Jim and taps the "Menstruation
               Legend" in the lower-left corner.

                                   DWIGHT
                         I don't traffic in assumption.



                                      END ACT I
                                       ACT II

               PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD

                                   PHYLIS
                         Michael always had a lot of friends
                         in high school. He said. Supposedly
                         they lived in other cities. Most
                         people thought Michael was lying,
                         but I never did. It wouldn't be
                         lying if Michael believed they were
                         real. 
                         He even had a "girlfriend". Doris
                         or something. What was her name?

               INT. ANNEX - CONTINUOUS

               Close up of a Post-It note, which has the name "Darleen",
               across the top. Below is a bulleted list of traits: "Pretty",
               "Funny", "Loyal to boyfriend", "Breasts", "Uninhibited". 

                                   KELLY (O.S.)
                         So now she's talking about adopting
                         another kid. That's like five. 

               Further back, we see that the Post-It is on the Mrs.
               Doubtfire standee, which is positioned next to Kelly's desk.
               Kelly yammers at it incessantly.

                                   KELLY (CONT'D)
                         I think she's trying to trap Brad,
                         because she knows he's going to
                         leave her and go back to Jen. The
                         whole thing reeks of desperation.

               Kelly stops talking, having seen something. A reverse shot
               reveals Michael in the kitchen, staring at Darleen through
               the window. He notices Kelly's attention and disappears.

               INT. ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS

               A close up of a Post-it Which has "Jesús" at the top, and two
               items listed below: "Mexican." and "Gay." Further back, we
               see Oscar reading the note. He shakes his head in disgust and
               returns to his chair.

               INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

               A close up of a Post-it, which has "Carl" at the top, and a
               bulleted list reading "Stockbroker", "Affluent", "Single",
               "Social Drinker", "Likes the good things in life".

               Further back, we see Andy is hunched over, trying to work.
               Carl stands directly behind him. Andy keeps glancing
               nervously over his shoulder at it, unable to concentrate.
               Finally he snaps.

                                   ANDY
                             (to Carl)
                         What? What?! Stop looming!

               INT ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS

               Andy stalks over with the Carl under his arm. Without a word
               to anyone he swaps it with Jesús and walks away. The
               accounting staff look at each other quizzically.

               INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS

               Pam and Phyllis arrive at Jim's desk simultaneously from
               different directions. Pam carries a police scanner.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Bob and I are going to the food
                         court. Do you want to come?

                                   PAM
                         Oh. Sorry, Michael asked me to sit
                         in on this call. 

                                   JIM
                         Brought my lunch.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Maybe next time.

               Phyllis exits.

                                   PAM
                         Can you monitor for a few minutes?

                                   JIM 
                         Sure thing.

               Pam hands him the scanner and leaves. As Jim plugs it in and
               sets it on his desk, Dwight stares, fascinated and annoyed.
               Finally:

                                   DWIGHT
                         What is that?

                                   JIM
                         Oh, this? It's a radio.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Not an FM radio. I can tell by the
                         lack of effeminate "indie rock" you
                         presumably enjoy.

                                   JIM
                         No, it's a police scanner. 

               Creed is walking by. His ears perk up at the words "police
               scanner", and he hovers nervously through the following
               exchange.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Why do you have a police scanner?

                                   JIM
                         It's a hobby of mine.

                                   DWIGHT 
                         I've never heard you express
                         interest in law enforcement.

                                   JIM
                         There's a whole side of me you know
                         nothing about Dwight. An alter-ego,
                         if you will. 

               Creed can contain himself no longer.

                                   CREED
                         Have you heard of The Policeman's
                         Creed?

                                   JIM 
                         No, what's that?

                                   CREED
                         It's a code of conduct that
                         policemen are expected to follow.
                         They are always talking about it.

                                   JIM
                         Okay.

                                   CREED
                         Like, if one cop is about to go
                         rogue, the others will say "creed,
                         creed." To remind him of the code.

                                   JIM
                         Okay.

                                   CREED
                         So if you hear anyone saying creed
                         on your squawk box, that's probably
                         what they're talking about. I'd
                         just ignore it.

               An awkward pause as Jim and Dwight stare at Creed.

                                   CREED (CONT'D)
                         Also, are you familiar with The
                         Policeman's Bratton?

               MICHAEL'S OFFICE

               David Wallace is on speaker-phone. Pam sits idle in the guest
               chair with a notepad.

                                   DAVID
                         ... looking over your reimbursement
                         forms, and--

                                   MICHAEL
                             (evasively)
                         It was a great seminar. Good stuff.
                         Have you taken it?

                                   DAVID
                         No, but--

                                   MICHAEL
                         I'm re-presenting the material to
                         the Scranton branch. You should
                         come down, sit in on a class.

                                   DAVID
                         I'm attending the seminar on
                         Monday. But I'm calling-

                                   MICHAEL
                         I'm augmenting the course with some
                         of my own material, so it's a much
                         richer experience. People here love
                         it. Did you love it, Pam?

                                   PAM
                         You made me stay on phones.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Well, if she'd seen it she would
                         have loved it. Trust me.

                                   DAVID 
                         Michael, You were supposed to take
                         someone from sales, someone from
                         accounting, and the someone from
                         warehouse with you to the seminar.

                                   MICHAEL
                         And ... I did.

                                   DAVID
                         You did? The forms show only you.

                                   MICHAEL
                         I took Carl, Jesús, and Darleen.

               Michael gives Pam a "this is no big deal" look.

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         And it was easier to put it all on
                         my paperwork since they are new and
                         I know how to fill it out.

                                   DAVID
                         They are new what? New employees?
                         Headcount is frozen across the
                         board, Michael.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Not employees. They are temps.

                                   DAVID
                         Temps are employees. And you
                         haven't been budgeted for temps
                         either.

                                   MICHAEL
                         But we're not paying them. They're
                         interns.

                                   DAVID
                         So we're not paying them, but you
                         took them on an all-expense paid
                         trip to New York for three days?

                                   MICHAEL
                         It seemed only fair.

                                   DAVID
                         But you only got one hotel room.

                                   MICHAEL
                         We were trying to save money.

                                   DAVID
                         And yet you used all the money.

                                   MICHAEL
                         We had some unexpected expenses.
                         Bail. Big misunderstanding.

               There is a long pause. Pam looks horrified.

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         Are you still there?

                                   DAVID
                             (defeated)
                         Yeah ...

               INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS

               Dwight is revising the invitation, the envelope of which has
               "Michael" "Kevin", and "Angela" on it. The first two names
               are crossed out, and the torn envelope has been repeatedly
               repaired with tape.

               Dwight crosses out Angela and writes "Andy".

               INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

               Andy is eating his lunch. Dwight approaches and extends the
               invitation.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Andrew. I know we've had some
                         conflict recently, but--

                                   ANDY
                         Are we going to be friends now?

                                   DWIGHT
                             (off-balance)
                         Why?

                                   ANDY
                         Because I was just thinking: if
                         Dwight and I were friends, what
                         nickname would I give him. Then it
                         hit me: Big Ruta. Since you're a
                         rutabaga farmer, get it? That way
                         you and Jim will be Tuna and Ruta. 

               Dwight jerks the envelope away.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Invitation revoked!

                                   ANDY
                         Okay dokey. Catch ya later, Big
                         Ruta.

               INT. PHYLLIS AND STANLEY'S DESK - A FEW MINUTES LATER

               Dwight arrives and extends the invitation to Stanley, who
               does not take it.

                                   DWIGHT
                         I am inviting you to my Battlestar
                         Galactic series finale viewing
                         party this evening at 10:00.

               Stanley puts his head down and resumes work, completely
               ignoring Dwight. Dwight stands motionless, arm outstretched,
               the invitation inches away from Stanley's head.

                                   DWIGHT (CONT'D)
                         You will like the show. It has a
                         prominent black character.

               Several seconds tick by. Then:

                                   STANLEY
                             (without looking up)
                         You are glittering on my desk.

               INT. RECEPTION AREA - A FEW MINUTES LATER

               Dwight approaches the reception desk, carrying the
               invitation. He is utterly demoralized.

                                   DWIGHT
                         May I borrow a pen?

                                   PAM
                         Sure.

               She hands him one. Dwight uses it to cross out "Stanley" and
               writes "Pam" in its place. When he is done, he
               unenthusiastically extends the invitation to her.

                                   DWIGHT
                         I would like to invite you to a
                         party.

                                   PAM
                         Oh. Well, maybe. When is it?

                                   DWIGHT
                         9:55.

                                   PAM
                         9:55 tonight? Uh, well I'll talk it
                         over with Jim. If we don't have
                         anything planned we might be there.

               Dwight thinks for a moment. Then:

                                   DWIGHT
                         Jim has already RSVP'd.

                                   PAM
                         He did? Well that's ... Okay, well.
                         We'll be there, then.

               Dwight lights up like a Christmas tree.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Really? You'll come?

                                   PAM
                         Sure. I mean, I guess.

               Dwight sprints to his desk and returns a moment later with a
               shoe box labelled "BATTLESTAR DO NOT TAPE OVER MOM!!!"

                                   DWIGHT
                         These are all the episodes. You'll
                         want to see them before the finale,
                         to get caught up.
                             (He glances at his watch)
                         It's 1:17 now. That only gives you
                         nine hours. You'll have to watch
                         them on fast-forward.

                                   PAM
                         I ... Don't ....

                                   DWIGHT
                             (still giddy)
                         I'll see you tonight. At 9:55.
                         Sharp.
                             (then, all-business)
                         Note that guests will not be
                         admitted to the home after ten
                         o'clock, so as to not disrupt my
                         viewing enjoyment.

               As Dwight leaves, Pam looks at the camera. 

               INT. ACCOUNTING AREA

               Oscar returns from lunch to find that the Carl standee has
               fallen onto Angela's desk.
               In doing so it has knocked over a potpourri pot, spilling
               scented water and flower petals everywhere.

                                   OSCAR
                         Angela!!

                                   ANGELA (V.O.)
                         Before I go home at night, and
                         before I got to lunch, I put out my
                         potpourri pot.

               ANGELA TALKING HEAD

                                   ANGELA
                         It masks the stench of sin.

               INT. ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS

               The accountants are mopping up the mess. 

                                   KEVIN
                         Everything smells like grandma.

               Michael wanders over.

                                   MICHAEL
                         What's going on?

                                   OSCAR
                         Angela spilled potpourri water all
                         over our spreadsheets.

                                   ANGELA
                         Don't look at me. It was Carl.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Uggh. Okay, new rule. New office
                         rule: no liquids in the accounting
                         area. No potpourri, no coffee ...
                         nothing. 

                                   KEVIN
                         What about soda?

                                   MICHAEL
                         No soda.

                                   KEVIN
                         What about diet soda?

                                   MICHAEL
                         Meredith, this goes for you too.
                         Meredith?

               Meredith is facing her monitor and not paying attention. She
               turns as Michael calls her name.

                                   MEREDITH
                         Sorry, what?

                                   KEVIN
                         We can't drink stuff in the office
                         any more. Because of Carl.

                                   MEREDITH
                         No .. drinking ...?

                                   MICHAEL
                         New rule.

               It takes a moment for the implications to sink in. Then
               Meredith lunges at Carl in a feral rage.

                                   MEREDITH
                         RrrAAAAAARRGH!

               Oscar and Michael intercept and restrain her.

               INT. PHYLLIS AND STANLEY'S DESK - A FEW MINUTES LATER

               Angela arrives carrying Carl. She places the standee next to
               Phyllis's desk and flees.

               INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS

               Jim is absent. Dwight looks around, then begins rummaging
               through the drawers of Jim's desk. 

               He find a scrapbook. Inside are photocopied news stories,
               with headlines such as "The Bluejay Saves Three" and "Masked
               Avenger Captures Killer". Then Dwight stumbles across a front
               page, with the headline "Who Is The Bluejay?" Below is a
               photo of Jim in him domino mask.

                                   DWIGHT
                         I knew it!

               PAM TALKING HEAD

               Pam holds up a copy of Photoshop.

                                   PAM
                         My three months at the Pratt
                         Institute have finally paid off.

               INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - CONTINUOUS

               Jim returns to his desk.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Hello, Jim. Or should I say: The
                         Bluejay?

                                   JIM
                         Shhh!

               He motions for Dwight to join him in the conference room. 

               INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

                                   JIM
                         How do you know about The Bluejay?

                                   DWIGHT
                         Peternatural deductive reasoning is
                         just one of the many skills I could
                         bring to your team.

                                   JIM
                         It's not a team. I mean, sometimes
                         I work with the League of --

               Jim pulls up short, as if he's revealed something he
               shouldn't.

                                   DWIGHT
                             (excited)
                         Who?

                                   JIM
                         I've said too much already.

                                   DWIGHT
                         We should join forces. Every great
                         hero needs a sidekick. You could be
                         mine.

                                   JIM
                         Are you a practicing hero? I
                         haven't seen you around.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Well I'm uh, kind of between
                         missions. At the moment.

                                   JIM
                         What's your handle?

                                   DWIGHT
                         I will call myself NukeFist: The
                         Man With Nuclear Fists.

                                   JIM
                         And do you have nuclear fists?

                                   DWIGHT
                         Criminals are a cowardly and
                         superstitious lot. The name alone
                         will instill fear in their hearts.

               Jim ponders for a moment.

                                   JIM
                         I been thinking about taking on a
                         ward. But your gimmick should be
                         something you know a lot about.
                         What do you know a lot about?

                                   DWIGHT
                         Paper. I could be The Paper Tiger.

                                   JIM
                         Not so fear instilling. What else?

                                   DWIGHT
                         Beets.

                                   JIM
                         I like it. Unique. Off the top of
                         my head I can't think of another
                         root-themed hero.

                                   DWIGHT
                         I will call myself NukeBeet: The
                         Man With Nuclear Beets.

                                   JIM
                         Why don't we start with Beet Boy?
                         Alliteration is a crucial element
                         of sidekickery.

               DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

               Dwight's cradles a velvet pouch in his left hand.

                                   DWIGHT
                         It's go time.

               He upends the pouch and a green rock the size of a golf ball
               tumbles into his right palm.
               He exhales three times quickly, then pops the rock into his
               mouth and swallows with extreme difficulty.



                                     END ACT II
                                       ACT III

               INT. RECEPTION AREA - AFTERNOON

                                   JIM
                         He wants in.

                                   PAM
                         You know, I think we should take it
                         easy on Dwight.

               Jim looks from Pam to Dwight and back to Pam.

                                   JIM
                         Him?

                                   PAM
                         Maybe just this once.

                                   JIM
                         He was discussing your menstrual
                         cycle earlier, you know.

                                   PAM
                         That happens every 27 days.

                                   JIM
                         Why the sudden concern?

                                   PAM
                         I just think he's having a hard
                         time right now, with the Battle
                         Trek thing.

                                   JIM
                         The what?

                                   PAM
                         The-- the show he won't shut up
                         about.

                                   JIM
                         Battlestar Galactica.

                                   PAM
                         I think Dwight doesn't have enough
                         magic in his life, you know? With
                         this job, and the farm. The only
                         thing that brings him joy is Battle
                         Trek, and now that's ending.
                         Popping his superhero bubble at the
                         same time might be too much.

                                   JIM
                         Battlestar Galactica is ending?

                                   PAM
                         Yeah. Didn't he ...? Aren't we
                         going to his party tonight?

                                   JIM
                         I have heard nothing about a party.

                                   PAM
                         He told me you'd be there! That's
                         the only reason I agreed to go.

                                   JIM
                         Wasn't invited.

                                   PAM
                         That little ...

               She glares at the oblivious Dwight.

                                   PAM (CONT'D)
                         Get him. Jim.

               Jim nods in acknowledgement. At that moment, Phyllis enters
               with a box. She sets it on the reception desk and makes an
               announcement:

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Mrs. Fields cookies, come and get
                         'em.

               Everyone comes to the desk, except for Kevin (who is in the
               restroom). Michael grabs one and impersonates Cookie Monster.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Me love cookie! Nom nom nom nom
                         nom!

               He eats it frenziedly, with most winding up as crumbs on the
               floor. Grinning widely, Michael grabs a second and repeats
               the performance.

               INT. PHYLLIS'S DESK - CONTINUOUS

               Phyllis returns to her desk to find the Carl standee.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Why is this here?

                                   ANDY
                         I don't know.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Well, he can't stay. I don't like
                         him.

               PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD

                                   PHYLLIS
                         My aunt Melissa was killed by an
                         arrow to the head.

               A beat. Then, as if this explains it:

                                   PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
                         She was a midwife.

               INT. PHYLLIS'S DESK - CONTINUOUS

                                   ANDY
                         I'll get rid of him.

               Andy grabs Carl and carries him out of the office entirely.

               INT. RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS

               There are only three cookies left when Kevin emerges from the
               kitchen. Seeing the box, he hurries to the desk.

                                   KEVIN
                         Today is awesome.

                                   MICHAEL
                         No, no, no. Those three are for
                         Carl and Jesús. And Darleen.

                                   KEVIN
                         What?

                                   MICHAEL
                         They are members of this office
                         too, and deserve cookies just like
                         the rest of us.

                                   KEVIN
                         But I didn't get one.

                                   MICHAEL
                         That's probably for the best,
                         honestly.

               Kevin looks back and forth between Michael to the cookies a
               few times. Then he steps toward the box, arm outstretched.

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         No! Back up. Back up, Kevin. Five
                         foot perimeter.

               Kevin drops his arm, but his eyes lock on the box. He paces
               in a semi-circle, exactly five feet from the cookies, like an
               animal at the zoo pacing the fenceline.

               INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS

                                   JIM
                         I just received some intelligence.
                         Scranton's largest gang, the Crazy
                         Locos, has running a drug lab out
                         of a hotel room.

                                   DWIGHT
                         What are they making?

                                   JIM
                         Devil's Snow. Street name: D-White.
                         And tonight The Assistant to the
                         Regional Kingpin will be on the
                         premise. We can cripple their
                         operation. 

                                   DWIGHT
                         Tonight?

                                   JIM
                         Yes. Ten o'clock, Eastern Standard
                         Time.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Could ... could we do it early?

                                   JIM
                         The intel was very specific. He'll
                         be at the lab from 9:58 to 11:03
                         only.

               Dwight wrestles for a moment. Then.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Okay.

                                   JIM
                             (taken aback)
                         Okay? You ... don't have anything
                         planned? Because for a minute it
                         looked like you had something else
                         planned.

                                   DWIGHT
                         It doesn't matter. The team comes
                         first. I'll be there, Bluejay.

                                   JIM
                         Please don't call me that at the
                         office.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Can I call you The BJ?

                                   JIM
                         You may not.

               INT. RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS

               Dwight approaches and exchanges a few words with Pam. Pam
               returns the invitation. Dwight looks at it longingly for a
               few moments, then drops it into the wastepaper basket.

                                   JIM (V.O.)
                         So now I kind of feel bad about the
                         whole thing.

               JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD

                                   PAM
                         I told you not to go through with
                         it.

                                   JIM
                         You said I should go through with
                         it!

                                   PAM
                         That was after I said you
                         shouldn't. Always trust my first
                         hunch.

               Jim looks at the ceiling and shakes his fists at the heavens.

                                   JIM
                         BEEEEEESLEY!

                                   PAM
                             (cheerfully to the camera)
                         Marriage is going to be fun.

               INT. WAREHOUSE - LATER

               DARRYL rounds a corner on a forklift; Carl stands in the
               middle of the aisle.
               Mistaking it for an actual person, Darryl wrenches the wheel.
               The forklift collides with the shelving; boxes of paper
               tumble to the ground and burst open. 

               INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS

               Dwight is gone. Jim is on the phone.

                                   JIM
                         Hello, Sadiq? It's Jim ... Yeah,
                         how you doing? ... Good ... Hey,
                         remember when you said you could
                         get like any TV episode ever made?
                         ... Right ... So I was wondering:
                         does that include episodes that
                         haven't even aired yet?

               Jim looks up as Darryl enters the office, carrying Carl. He
               hurls the standee on the floor in front of Pam's desk and
               leaves.

               INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - LATER

               Pam sticks her head in.

                                   PAM
                         We're starting in five minutes,
                         Michael.

                                   MICHAEL
                         I'll get the tape!

               INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

               Pam herds the staff into the conference room, except for
               Dwight who continues to work, oblivious to what is going on.
               As Michael emerges from his office holding a VHS tape, Andy
               approaches carrying the Carl standee.

                                   ANDY
                         You have got to do something about
                         Carl.

                                   MICHAEL
                         What's wrong with Carl?

                                   ANDY
                         Carl is s a grade-a jerk, is what's
                         wrong. And he's pissing every one
                         off.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Carl? Carl's a great guy. Maybe you
                         just haven't gotten to know him.

                                   ANDY
                         Listen to me, Michael: No one likes
                         Carl. No one.

               CARL TALKING HEAD

               The head and shoulders of the Steve Martin's standee fill the
               frame, as if he were doing a talking head segments. After a
               few seconds of silence:.

                                   DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
                         Cut! Get this jackass out of here!

               INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK - CONTINUOUS 

                                   JIM
                         Partner, we need to talk.

                                   DWIGHT
                         What is it?

                                   JIM
                         I am retiring as a costumed
                         adventurer.

                                   DWIGHT
                         What?! But we--

                                   JIM
                         I know. But Pam and I are getting
                         married soon, and it wouldn't be
                         fair to her, risking my life on the
                         gritty streets of Scranton.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Women have ruined every great
                         superhero team. The X-Men. The
                         Beatles.

                                   JIM
                         But I want to show my appreciation.
                         For your willingness to join the
                         team. 

               Jim gestures toward the conference room.

               INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               Michael enters with Carl and his video tape. He looks around,
               spots an empty seat directly in front of Toby, and places the
               standee on it, completely blocking Toby's view.

                                   TOBY
                             (to himself)
                         Come on.

               Michael heads towards the TV with his video tape. At that
               moment Dwight and Jim enter. After directing Dwight to the
               two open seats in the front row, Jim too moves to the
               television, which is connected to a laptop by cables.

                                   MICHAEL
                             (looking at the laptop)
                         I don't ... can you even get a tape
                         in there?

                                   JIM
                         We are not watching that.

                                   MICHAEL
                         But it's Movie Monday Special
                         Friday Edition.

                                   JIM
                         We're watching something else. It's
                         a surprise.

                                   MICHAEL
                         Oh, that sounds fun.

               As Michael finds an open seat, Jim plugs a thumbdrive into
               the laptop, messes around with the mouse for a moment, and
               turns to address the crowd.

                                   JIM
                         Usually on Movie Monday or Movie
                         Monday Special Friday Edition, we
                         watch a film that none of us really
                         enjoys.

                                   MICHAEL
                         What?! That's not ... we love
                         Varsity Blues!

                                   JIM
                         But today we are going to watch
                         something that one of us will enjoy
                         enough for everyone. Ladies and
                         gentlemen, I give you ... the
                         series finale ... of Battlestar
                         Galactica.

               Dwight sits bolt upright in his chair. Jim turns, clicks the
               mouse one last time, and hurries to the vacant seat next to
               Dwight.

                                   DWIGHT
                         How did you ...?

                                   JIM
                         You would report me to the
                         authorities if you knew.

               Dwight looks genuinely moved.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Thank you, Jim.

                                   JIM
                         Not a problem, partner.

               In the darkened conference room, we hear "Previously on
               Battlestar Galactica". Dwight leaps from his chair.

                                   DWIGHT
                         What is this? Another of your
                         infantile pranks?

                                   JIM
                         It's ... the series finale of
                         Battlestar Galactica.

                                   DWIGHT
                         No. There is but one Battlestar
                         Galactica, starring Richard Hatch,
                         Dirk Benedict, and Lorne Greene as
                         Adama. 

                                   JIM
                         The old show?

                                   DWIGHT
                         Each week for six years I have
                         watched an episode of the original
                         in symbolic protest. Tonight I will
                         watch the 1979 finale to celebrate
                         the disappearance of this
                         abomination from the airwaves.

                                   JIM
                         But you have a sweatshirt for the
                         new show.

                                   DWIGHT
                         I wear that ironically.

                                   JIM
                         Well, sorry. I though you watched
                         this one.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Watch a show in which Starbuck is a
                         girl? Why don't I just castrate
                         myself while I'm at it? I know how
                         to do it, you know. I grew up on a
                         farm. 

               Dwight storms from the room.

                                   MICHAEL
                         That was a surprise.

               People start to file out, looking relieved. 

                                   ANDY
                         What is up with Ruta?

               As Pam passes the dejected Jim, she puts her hand on his
               shoulder and murmurs words of comfort:

                                   PAM
                         I told you to stick it to him.

               Toby approaches Jim next and points to the laptop.

                                   TOBY
                         Can I stay and watch that?

                                   MICHAEL
                         No. No, because now there will be a
                         exclusive screening of Varsity
                         Blues, for those who appreciate
                         cinema.

               Michael looks around and discovers every seat vacant.

                                   MICHAEL (CONT'D)
                         Me and Carl.

               INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

               The staff streams out of the conference room, Jim lastly with
               laptop in hand. Behind him, Michael closes the door.

               A series of shots, as the staff returns to their desks.
               Stanley settles into his chair, looking irritated. Pam goes
               behind the reception desk.

               INT. ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS

               The accountants arrive.

                                   OSCAR
                         Kind of a strange day.

                                   KEVIN
                         Tell me about it. T.G.I.F.

                                   ANGELA
                         Don't take G's name in vain.

               The three turn, hearing a commotion off-screen.

               INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

               From the conference room, the muted sounds of an argument
               erupt.

                                   MICHAEL (O.S.)
                         That's just your opinion ... I
                         don't have ... No, no I won't ...
                         YOU SHUT UP! NO YOU SHUT UP! YOU,
                         I'M GOING TO--

               Suddenly, the cacophony of a physical scuffle. Alarmed, Jim
               rises from his chair and moves toward the conference room. At
               that moment the door flies open and a flushed Michael emerges
               carrying a Carl. The standee looks like it's been pummeled.
               Without a word, Michael carries Carl through the office and
               out the front door.

                                   MICHAEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                         I pride myself on my ability to
                         distinguish fact from fiction.

               MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

                                   MICHAEL
                         When I saw Milli Vanilli in
                         concert, I knew they were lip
                         syncing almost immediately. I could
                         tell that the Lord of the Rings
                         movies were mostly fake. I have no
                         trouble believing that it's not
                         butter.
                         Fantasy is important. It helps us
                         cope with the daily grind. But it's
                         important to not let it interfere
                         with your real life.

               EXT. PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

               Michael stuffs Carl into a dumpster.

                                   MICHAEL (V.O.)
                         Be it a corporate exercise, that is
                         stupid ...

               INT. BREAK ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               Toby, Jim and Pam are eating microwave popcorn and watching
               the Battlestar Galactica finale on the laptop.

                                   MICHAEL (V.O.)
                         Or a TV show ...

               INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

               Waist-up shot of Dwight sitting on a toilet, straining
               mightily.

                                   MICHAEL (V.O.)
                         Or dreams of grandeur.

               MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

                                   MICHAEL
                         A wise man once said, you can't
                         keep your feet on the ground if
                         your head is in the clouds. That is
                         so true.
                             (thinks)
                         Unless you're an eagle, clutching a
                         piece of ground in your talons as
                         you fly.
                             (thinks)
                         Or if it's foggy.



                                     END ACT III
                                        TAG

               EXT. OUTSIDE WINDOW - DAY

               Jim is in his Bluejay outfit, crouched outside a window. He
               peers in, then speaks into a walkie-talkie.

                                   JIM
                         I can see the lab. The Assistant to
                         the Regional Kingpin is here. He
                         has five-- no wait, six--henchmen.
                         Are you outside the door?

                                   DWIGHT (O.S.)
                             (through walkie-talkie)
                         Roger.

                                   JIM
                         Okay, on three. One. Two. Three!

               INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               A dozen or so executives are taking the Project Management
               seminar. David Wallace stands at a flipchart.

                                   DAVID
                         ... has one child, an eight-year
                         old boy, and his annual income--

               Suddenly Dwight burst through the door clad in an unwieldly
               and homemade beet costume.

                                   DWIGHT
                         Prepare for a beet down!

               A moment of stunned silence. Then:

                                   DAVID
                         Dwight?

                                   DWIGHT
                         Frak.



                                        END

Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.