Friday Afternoon Scratchpad

Oscar Pool Creator

In case you missed it, my annual “Make-Yer-Own Oscar Pool Page” is here.

Thank You Mr. Bus Driver

I almost missed my bus yesterday. As it was pulling away from the curb I ran alongside it, waving my arm, and the driver kindly brought the behemoth to a stop and allowed me to board.

Moments later, as I sat panting in a seat halfway back, I could hear the driver’s voice boom from overhead. He was having a private chat with the person sitting in the front row and was clearly unaware that the intercom was on. I, and everyone on the bus, heard him say, “I probably wouldn’t shouldn’t have stopped for that guy, but I kinda felt sorry for him. He had such a dopy, desperate look on his face as he ran.”

How Many …?

Moderator: If you are elected president in 2004, what will your administration’s policy be in regards to changing the lightbulb?

Kerry: “Like most Vietnam veterans who fought in the Vietnam war, I know a little something about changing lightbulbs, on account of my experience in Vietnam.”

Edwards: “No need to change the bulb — I’ll just light up the room with my sunny optimism!”

Bush: “Someone needs to change a lightbulb? Woohoo — we created a job!”

Nader: “These is no fundamental difference between a lit room and the darkness.”


Conversation with my single female friend R.:

R: I was trying to find a copy of that card game, Mamma Mia, so I went to the game store you suggested.

Me: And?

R: And omigod — the guy that worked there was so nice and friendly! And cute!

Me: [Incredulous] Cute? The guy working at the game store?

R: He was totally cute!

[Momentary pause. Then, hurriedly …]

R: I mean, “cute” in a Geppeto kind of way.


No Squirrely yet. As of this writing The Queen and I are still living in 2004 BC (before child).

Movies: Lost In Translation

When I named my favorite movies of 2003, there was a caveat. “I somehow never got around to seeing Lost In Translation,” I wrote after listing the top five, “but I have a hunch that it might have been up there.”

Once in a great while one of my hunches turns out to be correct — although rarely as resoundingly correct as this one turned out to be. Not only would Lost In Translation have made my Top Five, it would have placed squarely in my Top One.

Indeed, Translation crossed the magical line that divides, in my mind, the very good movies from the great: it left me feeling completely ensorcelled by the time the closing credits rolled. This happens to me from time to time, but only rarely, and only with the most extraordinary of films: the first two Lord of the Rings movies, Memento, How’s Your News and a handful of others in the last few years. In theater the term is “transported“: to be carried away with strong and often intensely pleasant emotion. And the beauty of Translation is such that I not only felt transported emotionally, but physically as well: it was if I was actually visiting Japan.

Set in Tokyo, the whisper-thin plot revolves around Bob Harris (Bill Murray), a washed up action star in town to film a whiskey commercial for two million bucks. Estranged from his wife, resigned to his fate, and unable to get a good night’s sleep, Bob bumbles about his surroundings like a bee in a jar. Meanwhile, in the same hotel, the recently married Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) is realizing that her husband of two years is largely a stranger to her. Her spouse is a photographer of rock bands and she has accompanied him to Japan for a shoot. As the husband is slowly drawn into the superficial world of celebrity, Charlotte begins to consider herself as essentially on her own.

Like two somnambulists bumping into one another in the dark, Bob and Charlotte eventually cross paths in the hotel lounge, and the remainder of the movie is about the unusual bond that forms between them. After Charlotte’s husband leaves Tokyo for a weeklong business trip, the two begin spending their sleepless nights together: watching TV, partying with friends, or simply conversing about topics big and small. Befuddled by the local culture, the two rely on one another to stay sane and keep a looming cloud of depression at bay.

The acting in Translation is astounding — or, rather, would have be astounding if both Murray and Johansson weren’t so skilled at making the audience believe that they aren’t acting at all. The scenes of intimacy between the two are so uncannily authentic that, at times, the film feels like a documentary. And every time you think the screenplay is going to take a turn for the predictable, it doesn’t.

I would have loved Translation for these reasons alone, but two other factors put the film into the class of my favorites. First, the sense of dislocation expressed so eloquently by the two leads was hauntingly familiar to me, and recalled to mind my own experience as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Bolivia. anyone who has ever been stranded in a foreign culture owes it to themselves to see the movie.

But here’s the real reason why this film moved me like few others. The Queen and I had decided to go see our Last Movie Ever as a childless couple on Saturday, and Lost In Translation was our mutual pick. We’d all but forgotten that it was February 14th (expecting a baby to arrive any moment will do that to you) and, knowing nothing of the film, we didn’t realize that it was a romance of sorts, so we sort of stumbled into the perfect Valentine’s Day date by accident. Then, halfway through the film we were treated to this dialog:

Bob: It gets a whole lot more complicated when you have kids.

Charlotte: It’s scary.

Bob: The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born.

Charlotte: Nobody ever tells you that.

Bob: Your life, as you know it … is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk … and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.

Standing, as we are, on the precipice of parenthood, this is exactly what we needed to hear.

And this exchange neatly encapsulates the essence of the film: life — and relationships — are hard. But ultimately worth the effort.

If Lost In Translation is still playing at a nearby theater and you haven’t seen it yet, please make an effort to do so. It’s wonderful, wonderful.

Bush Seeks $131 Billion For War On Carbs

President George Bush submitted an emergency appropriation bill to Congress today seeking an additional $131 billion for the war on carbs, the bulk of which would be used to establish a cabinet-level Department of Carbohydrate Reduction. The proposal comes just days after a Reuters poll revealed that carbs have eclipsed terrorism and job uncertainty as Americans' greatest fear.

Democrats were quick to denounce the proposal as election-year grandstanding. "I'll match my record on carbohydrate with the President's any day," said Senator John Kerry. Kerry was a prominent figure in the anti-carb movement of the late 60's and early 70's, even going so far as to throw his croutons onto the steps of the Capitol Building during a 1971 protest.

However, A recent photo showing Kerry sharing linguini with Jane Fonda has caused some to question his carb-fighting credentials. Hoping to capitalize on the controversy, Howard Dean is repositioning himself as an anti-carbohydrate populist. "When I was Governor of Vermont, no one ate their pizza crust!" Dean boasted in a fiery speech given at a recent rally. "And when I become President, we're going to go after Big Bread! We're going to go after Big Potato! We're going to go after Big Sugar and Big Cracker and Big Muffin, yeeeeargh!"

But with the election nine months away and broad bipartisan support for the war on carbs, Congress is likely to hand Bush a political victory on the funding request. "We're going to work quickly and get this passed," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. "We need to reassure the nation that we're taking this battle seriously, and this is just the sort of legislation American wants to see: an enormous spending proposal loaded with pork. Sweet, sweet, low-carb pork."

If approved, the appropriations bill would be the most expensive dietary legislation passed since the 1986 Promotion Of Frozen Yogurt Act.

The Bad Review Revue

Torque: It’s only January, but already we have a strong candidate for the most thunderingly stupid movie of the year. — Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

You Got Served: “About as real as Lil’ Kim’s chest.” — Jami Bernard, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

The Butterfy Effect: “Like receiving a box of Valentine’s chocolates in which someone has deliberately hidden ground glass.” — Charles Taylor, SALON

The Big Bounce “Go in with lowered expectations and expect to have them dashed.” — Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

50 First Dates: “”When Rob Schneider is the best thing about your movie, you know you have a problem.” — Josh Bell, LAS VEGAS WEEKLY

Meets Expectations

A friend of mine was an officer with the Seattle Police Department, and one thing that always amazed me was that he and his coworkers voluntarily hung out in donut shops while on duty, despite the widespread stereotype that police officers hang out in donut shops while on duty.

I was reminded of this a moment ago when I saw a firetruck go by and noticed that each and every fireman inside had the stereotypical “fireman mustache.”

Carrier … Or Killer??!

Okay, I made up Yugo To Hell in my last post, but the other two are actual Traffic Safety Film titles that I took from this pdf. Here are some other of my favorites, with the corresponding (and actual) descriptions:

Buckleman!: Buckleman is a fast-paced adventure focusing on the importance of using safety belts. Using his hi-tech belt-gun, Buckleman saves lives and protects the citizens of Buckeye City from his arch-foe, the Heckler.

All The Kids Do It: Dramatizes danger from a teen’s point of view. Directed by Henry Winkler, it stars Scott Baio as Buddy, a high school student and Olympic caliber diver who learns that drinking and driving don’t mix.

Just Like A Car: A musical and somewhat humorous presentation demonstrating how a bicycle is just like a car!

So Long, Pal: Fantasy and humor succeed in breaking down the resistance to treatment that people who have been arrested for driving under the influence often feel.

Gambling With Death: An effective presentation that utilizes the appealing touch of early silent movies in dealing with people’s attitudes about railroad grade crossings.

Uneasy Rider: “Uneasy,” in this case, means special awareness.

I love that last one the best. It’s too bad Traffic Safety Film makers don’t follow the porn industry’s lead and use more titles that are based on popular motion pictures. Then kids would get to see Spinnin’ In The Rain and Driving Miss Daisy While Intoxicated and The Crashed Samurai, or whatever.