Fifteen More of My Online Forum Comments, Taken out of Context

  • Idea: The “It Gets Cheddar” project for the lactose intolerant.
  • I was a fan of those breasts back in Firefly. Before they like sold out, man.
  • As they have done with other products, Apple will release a newer, smaller version of the iPad every year. By 2017 they will be selling fanboys first generation iPhones for $499.
  • 60% of the world’s population is me and Asians.
  • I love that Fox News has somehow turned into a fictional TV station as seen on Max Headroom.
  • These baby carrots are way too big. They are not even baby carrots. They are like adolescent carrots with a hormonal imbalance.
  • I have AB negative and those blood center fuckers would drain me of every drop if they could.
  • you go back in time. The first rule of Paradox Club is that you can’t actually change anything when
  • “Artichoke Dip” isn’t really one of the seven deadly sins, I was just yankin’ your chain on that one.
  • What has a long neck and holds 1.5 liters of wine? A ciraffe.
  • Bad: I just realized that there was a misspelled word on the resume I submitted last week. Worse: The misspelled word is the name of the company where I currently work. Worse still: It is also the name of the company to which I am applying, as this is an internal application.
  • I would love to play Settlers of Catan with Bill Murray and Meryl Streep and George Clooney and afterward seduce one or more of the three.
  • Novelty tattoos: the gag gift you can’t throw away.
  • Can you imagine if you actually gave birth to a bacon baby? I mean, you’d love it like any child. But the temptation …
  • Robin Found Dead on Doorstep of Wayne Manor

See also: Seven Of My Online Forum Images, Taken Out Of Context, Fifteen Of My Online Forum Comments, Taken Out Of Context, Fifteen Of My Metafilter Comments, Taken Out Of Context.

Try Them And You May, I Say

H., my first cousin once removed (it took us 20 minutes and Wikipedia to figure that out), wanted to make movies over the Thanksgiving holiday. This seemed like a perfect opportunity to document my only skill: the speed reading of Green Eggs & Ham.

Get the Flash Player to see this video.

That’s Squiggle next to me. The toddler is yet another relation, one who decided to spend the day wearing her new pink bicycle helmet.

H. is behind the camera, but makes a guest appearance as Enormous Nose Mothership. And yes, the video is flipped for some reason. Talk to the director.


Five minutes ago I found my son’s secret stash of leftover Halloween candy. What would a good parent do in this situation?

Seriously, I am asking–I can’t seem to figure it out. Probably because my mind is racing from all the sugar.

Fear of a White Planet

It snowed Monday morning, so local TV news anchors spent yesterday chugging Red Bulls in preparation for their annual “HOLY SHITTIN’ PENGUINS SEATTLE SNOWMAGEDDON ALERT UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” show. By the time the evening broadcast rolled around, you’d think the powdery white stuff falling from the sky was weaponized anthrax.

In their defense, Seattle does tend to seize up when it gets an inch of snow. Like, a single cubic inch of snow, distributed across the entire city. In cases like yesterday, where so much snow fell that things turned perceptively white, people go nuts. Everyone adheres to their Emergency Snow Escape Plan, which is to immediately drive to the steepest hill in their neighborhood and attempt to a- or descend it, preferably in a 1998 Pontiac Bonneville lacking chains.

As you can see, the population of the Pacific Northwest is descended from a distinct subspecies of homo sapient completely lacking in the ability to adapt. We like our Northwest pacific; any perturbations and we’re completely hosed.

At least the weathermen are happy, as they get to dust off the word “inclement” and use it in every other sentence. Those of us unschooled in the intricacies of metrology, on the other hand, describe the weather in slightly different terms: totally effing awesome.

Update: After an hour of looking for my car keys, I realized that they must have fallen out of my pocket while sledding. Why didn’t I seal myself into my home with duct tape, as advised?

Update 2: Please add the following to the list of things that are totally effing awesome: people.

Movies: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

A split-second after the final scene cut to black, my wife turned to me and exclaimed “That was amazing-” …

I am not a Harry Potter fan. I am, however, the spouse of a Harry Potter fan. Seeing the films is as compulsory for one as it is the other. And so I found myself in the cinema watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on Saturday evening.

This is the final motion picture in the series. Or rather it would have been, had the filmmakers not decided to break the novel into two separate films so as to better preserve the artistic integrity of the hahahaha no I’m just kidding. They broke it up to milk this cash cow drier than gravel on Arrakis, as near as I can tell.

Which is too bad, because Deathly Hallows was one of the few books in the series I actually enjoyed. After the rambling mess that was book five (a.k.a., “Harry Potter and the Interminable Livejournal”), Ms. Rowling was apparently and at long-last assigned an editor, who kept the narrative in Half-Blood Prince reasonably tight. Although J.K.’s penchant for prolixity crept back into Deathly Hallows, it was still a moderately quick and engrossing read. It of course helped that the last book actually contained an ending toward which the action could build, and therefore didn’t require the introduction of new characters or subplots to pad things out.

Unfortunately, this lack of introductions was my first grievance with the film. We join Deathly Hallows “already in progress” as they say, with the action picking up where the previous film left off. For someone like me, who has not internalized the entire Potter canon (and who somehow got out of seeing the sixth movie–I’m not sure how that happened), I spent a lot of time wondering “what is going on?” and “who is that guy?” and “why are they giving potions to a dozen people to make them look like Harry instead of just giving one potion to Harry to make him look like John Cleese?” (or whomever). A cricket match would have made as much sense to me.

Oh, well. Honestly, I appreciate films that assume their audience are up-to-date, instead of dumbing things down for those who neglected their homework. And anyway, the first third of the film kept me sufficiently riveted, even when I didn’t understand the nuances. The opening scene, for instance, is remarkably grim for what I have always considered a “kid’s series”, with a table full of Bad Guys discussing the subjugation of the world while a bruised and bleeding innocent twists in midair, pleading for help. Even after the action moves to the protagonists, the films lacks the pervasive whimsy found in earlier chapters, with no Whomping Willows or booger-flavored jellybeans to lighten the mood. Perhaps taking their cue from the success of Twilight, the makers of this film apparently decided that that Dark Sells. (As does sex, it seems: both Harry and Ron wind up shirtless, and they even manage to shoehorn a CGI sex scene into the story).

And then a funny thing happens: nothing. Nothing whatsoever, for a long, long while. Fleeing from their enemies, Harry pitches a tent for Hermoine (literally), and the two wind up camping for what feels like an eternity. Where before things were all whiz-bang action, the film suddenly becomes more Blair Witch than Teen Wizard. During this stretch, the guy in the seat next to me checked the time on his iPhone no fewer than thrice.

Even this might have been excusable if the film had an end. But it doesn’t, of course, as this is only “Part I”. And as you roll past the 120 minute mark, “Part II” looks less and less defensible.

I spent the final third of the film fidgeting in my chair, wondering how I was going to tell The Queen that I found the movie frightfully dull. I imagined an acrimonious ride back home, as I was pilloried for my attention deficit and lack of appreciation for the classics.

And my fears seemed confirmed, when she swiveled in her seat the moment the film ended and said, “that was amazing-”

Should I agree? Should I voice my honest opinion? I agonized over how to respond.

Thankfully, she was still talking. “-ly boring,” she concluded. That’s my girl.

Animated Films for Grown-Ups

My list of good animated films for grown-ups appears today at The Morning News. Thanks to all the readers who sent in suggestions, especially Ahtitan (who is quoted in the article, under Grave of the Fireflies), Cam, Yael, Matt, Dave, Sean, John, and by long-time buddy Matt Olsen (previously seen here). Jake also wrote in to endorse The Venture Bro. and Archer; the focus of the piece was feature-length films, but I love both of these shows.

I will be on NPR’s KUOW Presents at 2:30 PST this afternoon, ruminating yet more about animated films. I’ll toss a link up here when the feed is available.

Update: Feed links can be found on this page.

November™ Update!

Have you heard of Movember? It’s an annual event, organized by the Movember Foundation, during which men from around the world grow mustaches over the course of the month to raise awareness of men’s health issues.

Honestly I only recently learned of Movember myself, several days after its kickoff this year. And I kind of thought that disqualified me. But then, a week in, I remembered that I had shaved on October 31 as part of my Sexy Technical Writer costume, and had not done so again since. Still in the game! “Neglect to engage in basic grooming … for charity!” doesn’t have the same ring as “Movember”, granted, but stubble is stubble yo.

Anyway, here we are at the mid-way point, and I thought you’d like a status report. My progress so far:

Uhhhhhhhhmm …

Yeah, there’s been some setbacks. Specifically the one yesterday where I kind of spaced out and shaved. Crap! Not being a self-absorbed bastard for a month is hard.

Well, truth be told, my having shaving is more extraordinary than my having facial hair. So if you see me fresh-faced this month and have any awareness of men’s health issues laying around, be sure to raise it. Because I’m participating in “No-Mustache Movember” or, as I like to call it, November™.

Unfortunately I didn’t get around to setting up a corresponding non-profit or registering or implementing a series of webscripts that would allow me to build a profile page and solicit donations. Seriously I was going to do that, but it was like 9:45. 9:45 PM, even. And after coming up with “November” I was pretty much exhausted.

So if you want to toss some funds into the pot, please do so for my buddy John (West Coast!) or arch-nemesis Sean (East Coast!), both of whom have the steel will and lack of ADD necessary to mo the whole vember long.

Update: Whoa, “” is already registered. I can’t believe someone else had this same idea.