The Bad Review Revue

Grown Ups 2: “Perhaps the closest Hollywood has yet come to making Ow! My Balls! seem like a plausible future project.” — Andrew Barker, VARIETY

After Earth: “He’s done it again. M Night Shyamalan has done it again. Again. Done it. Again. He has given us another film for which the only appropriate expression is stammering, gibbering wonder that anyone can keep making such uncompromisingly terrible movies with such stamina and dedication.” — Peter Bradshaw, THE GUARDIAN

White House Down: “The poster for this movie should read: Hello, Suckers!” — Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

The Hangover, Part III: “For all the promise of mayhem and WTF moments, the final episode hits you with all the force of a warm can of O’Doul’s.” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

The Lone Ranger: “So confused in its purpose and so charmless in its effect that it must be seen to be believed, but better yet, no.” — Mick LaSalle, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

The Bad Review Revue

Yogi Bear: “Yogi Bear gives cheap hackwork a bad name. Which is a shame, because hackwork made this industry.” — Michael Phillips, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

The Green Hornet: “The film’s only unqualified success is the end title sequence-because it’s genuinely stylish, because it looks like it was shot in genuine 3-D and, most of all, because it’s the end.” — Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

The Tourist: “There are all kinds of bad movies in the world, but it’s really only stardom that can create the exact variety of cinematic abortion we find in The Tourist.” — Mick LaSalle, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

Gulluiver’s Travels: “At one point, Black puts out a fire by pissing on it. It’s my job as a critic to piss on this dumb excuse for a movie. Consider it done.” — Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Little Fockers: “Little Fockers may not be the worst, most vulgar, most pathetic and least funny picture of the year. But it’s a strong contender for second place behind the picture Brett Favre allegedly sent over his cellphone.” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

The Bad Review Revue

Saw VI: “Could well be called Saw It Already.” — Rob Nelson, VARIETY

All About Steve: “Easily the worst movie of the week, month, year, and Bullock’s entire career. It is to comedy what leprosy once was to the island of Molokai: a plague best contemplated from many miles away.” — Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE.

Whiteout: “So staggeringly bad that it achieves a kind of transcendent poetry. It’s ignorant of how things are in the real world, of what makes a thriller a thriller, of why people seek out entertainment.” — Dan Zak, WASHINGTON POST

Amelia: “Leaves the odd impression of being merely a very long trailer for a film you’d actually love to see.” — Mary F. Pols, TIME MAGAZINE (On the same day, David Edelstein of New York Magazine called Amelia “So glancing and superficial that the movie … goes by like coming attractions.”)

Couples Retreat: “Couples, retreat.” — Rick Groen, THE GLOBE AND MAIL

The Bad Review Revue

Confessions of a Shopaholic: “If there is a single bright spot in the financial crisis, it is the possibility that one day producer Jerry Bruckheimer will run out of money.” — Jessica Reaves, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Paul Blark: Mall Cop: “Looks like something stubbed out in an ashtray.” – Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBEStreet Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: “Proving that there’s no statute of limitations on lousy ideas, director Andrzej Bartkowiakï’s attempted franchise expansion returns to the Capcom motherlode that produced the worst movie in the entire Jean-Claude Van Damme filmography.” — Jim Ridley, VILLAGE VOICE

Miss March: “A sex comedy that appears to have been made by people who’ve never actually had sex.” — Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

Push: “Never stops finding new ways to make no sense.” — Cliff Doerksen, CHICAGO READER

Pink Panther 2: Honestly, I don’t think any review, no matter how negative, could deter you from seeing this film more than this image:


The Bad Review Revue

An America Carol: “About as not-funny as a comedy can get.” — Steven Rea, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

The Women: “It’s not every movie that makes you wish Vin Diesel would run in and start blowing up stuff … ” — Rene Rodriguez, MIAMI HERALD

My Best Friend’s Girl: “An ugly, strictly-for-meatheads comedy that can only be recommended to couples who wear matching Tie Domi Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys out on a date.” Stephen Cole, THE GLOBE AND MAIL

Saw V: “It’s not a good sign when watching someone stick their hand into a table saw is easier than listening to them recite dialogue.” — Sam Adams, LOS ANGELES TIMES

Eagle Eye: “Forget suspending disbelief; you would have to suspend consciousness to go along with this story.” — Tom Maurstad

Fly Me To the Moon: “Makes South Park look like Fantasia. — Rafer Guzman, NEWSDAY

The Bad Review Revue

College: “The film hasn’t been made so much as excreted. ” — Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

Disaster Movie: “This carpet-fouling mongrel of a movie no more deserves release than do anthrax spores.” — Jim Ridley, LA WEEKLY

Babylon A.D.: “An abysmal French thriller in which everyone speaks as if they’ve learned their lines phonetically.” — Elizabeth Weitzman

Righteous Kill: “A cop flick with all the drama of Law and Order: AARP.” — Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Space Chimps: “Sucks a whole lot of talented people into a wormhole of lousy.” — Michael Phillips, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Star Wars: The Clone Wars: “A continuation of Lucas’ experiments to see how much shit his dwindling supporters will take before finally saying ‘enough’ and moving on to adult pursuits.” — Pete Vonder Haar, FILM THREAT

The Bad Review Revue

College Road Trip: “Phi beta crappa.” — David Hiltbrand, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

Made of Honor: “Director Paul Weiland and the three (!) screenwriters it took to boil down thousands of bad movies into 101 minutes haven’t provided this one with a single original thought; it should only entertain those still getting adjusted to the idea of talkies.” — Robert Wilonsky, VILLAGE VOICE

The Happening: “You feel like you’re not watching the end of the world but the end of a career.” — Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

Speed Racer: “This toxic admixture of computer-generated frenzy and live-action torpor succeeds in being, almost simultaneously, genuinely painful — the esthetic equivalent of needles in eyeballs — and weirdly benumbing, like eye candy laced with lidocaine.” — Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

The Love Guru: “The most joy-draining 88 minutes I’ve ever spent outside a hospital waiting room. ” — Dana Stevens SLATE

What Happens in Vegas: “New York strangers meet and marry in Vegas and find their annulment delayed when he hits a $3 million jackpot on the slots using her quarter. If you don’t see where this is going, you’ve never seen a movie. Sorry it had to be this one.” — Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden?: “Morgan Spurlock is a living, breathing cautionary tale. Take a good, long look, kids: This is what happens when society validates really annoying people.” — Jessica Reaves, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

The Bad Review Revue

Deception: “A nonprescription alternative to Ambien.” — Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

88 Minutes: “Will be hard-pressed to last much longer than its title in theaters before doing time on DVD.” — Michael Rechtshaffen, THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

Never Back Down: “Speeds up and slows down as though controlled by a director in the grip of competing medications.” — Jeannette Catsoulis, THE NEW YORK TIMES

Superhero Movie: “Writer/director Craig Mazin took the screenplay for Spider-Man, propped it up next to his MacBook, and just went through it, inserting fart gags, pratfalls and the lamest of jokes.” — Peter Howell, TORONTO STAR

College Road Trip: “Better than most Martin Lawrence movies, much as strep throat is better than malaria.” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

10,0000 BC: “Apocalypto for pussies.” — Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

The Bad Review Revue: The Siege of Paris

Critics are raving over The Hottie and the Nottie!

“Preposterous, disingenuous, remarkably unfunny and genuinely distasteful.” — Maitland McDonagh, TV GUIDE

“Crass, shrill, disingenuous, tawdry, mean-spirited, vulgar, idiotic, boring, slapdash, half-assed, and very, very unfunny.” — Nathan Lee, VILLAGE VOICE

“It’s not like Paris Hilton to rise above her material, but The Hottie and the Nottie sinks so low that all she has to do is stand upright.” — Sam Adams, LOS ANGELES TIMES

“‘This movie hates women’ is written over and over in my notebook, but that’s not quite fair. This movie hates unattractive women.” — Suzanne Condie Lambert, ARIZONA REPUBLIC

“Great actors make the craft look easy. In this Paris Hilton comedy, acting looks very, very difficult.” — Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

“How bad is this feature from deservedly unknown director Tom Putnam? How’s this?: It’s a blot on Paris Hilton’s dignity.” — Andy Klein, LOS ANGELES CITYBEAT

“Heidi Ferrer’s screenplay…succeeds at just one thing: trumpeting one of the most anti-feminist messages in recent film history.” — Jessica Reaves, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

“This pea-brained vanity production…” — Nell Minow, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

“This gross-out-on-camera … ” — Rex Reed, NEW YORK OBSERVER

“This tasteless train wreck …” — Jeannette Catsoulis, THE NEW YORK TIMES

“This comedy abomination …” — Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

“Imagine the worst movie you’ve ever seen. Got it? Now try to think of something worse. That something is this movie.” — Connie Ogle, MIAMI HERALD

Current Rotten Tomatoes composite score: 7%.

The Bad Review Revue

Meet the Spartans: “Hey, guys, when you repurpose a disco hit to poke fun at gay men, not only do you look like assholes, you look like assholes who rip their jokes off of YouTube.” — Kimberley Jones, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Hitman: “Like watching someone stupid play a bad video game.” — Shawn Levy, PORTLAND OREGONIAN

Strange Wilderness: “The funniest part of Strange Wilderness is the trailer for Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay that’s running before it.” — Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

One Missed Call: “If your cell phone vibrates while you’re watching One Missed Call, go ahead and answer, because even a wrong number will be more exciting than what’s happening onscreen.” — Chuck Wilson, LA WEEKLY

Over Her Dead Body: “Is to romantic comedy what Spam is to meat.” — Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE