Ten Lines From the State of the Union Speech that are Improved by Mentally Inserting “Hand” Before “Jobs”

“Think about the America within our reach: a country that leads the world in educating its people, an America that attracts a new generation of high-tech manufacturing and high-paying jobs”

“If you’re a business that wants to outsource jobs, you shouldn’t get a tax deduction for doing it.”

“Technology made businesses more efficient, but also made some jobs obsolete.”

“A few weeks ago, the CEO of Master Lock told me that it now makes business sense for him to bring jobs back home.”

“Give more young people the chance to earn their way through college by doubling the number of work-study jobs in the next five years.”

“This country needs an all-out, all-of-the-above strategy that develops every available source of American energy – a strategy that’s cleaner, cheaper, and full of new jobs.”

“Join me in a national commitment to train two million Americans with skills that will lead directly to a job.”

“Tonight, my message to business leaders is simple: ask yourselves what you can do to bring jobs back to your country, and your country will do everything we can to help you succeed.”

“Michelle and Jill Biden have worked with American businesses to secure a pledge of 135,000 jobs for veterans and their families.”

“We should support everyone who’s willing to work; and every risk-taker and entrepreneur who aspires to become the next Steve Jobs.”

A Nice Day to Start Again

Today is the 30th anniversary of MTV. I know this because John in the Morning, of KEXP, has devoted the last few hours to music of the era. Fun fact: when a DJ plays Thomas Dolby during your morning commute, you can immediately identify all the drivers around you who are listening to the same station. “SCIENCE!!”

Boy these songs bring back memories. For instance, I remember the minutes after I learned that the song “Cars” wasn’t by The Cars as the longest unbroken stretch of cognitive dissonance in my life.

Ah, the 80s. When women were woman and Men were Without Hats.

To listen to John’s tribute click here, or go to the KEXP streaming archive and select “Mon, Aug 1. 7:05 am” under “Listen by time”.

Fifteen More of My Online Forum Comments, Taken out of Context

  • Idea: The “It Gets Cheddar” project for the lactose intolerant.
  • I was a fan of those breasts back in Firefly. Before they like sold out, man.
  • As they have done with other products, Apple will release a newer, smaller version of the iPad every year. By 2017 they will be selling fanboys first generation iPhones for $499.
  • 60% of the world’s population is me and Asians.
  • I love that Fox News has somehow turned into a fictional TV station as seen on Max Headroom.
  • These baby carrots are way too big. They are not even baby carrots. They are like adolescent carrots with a hormonal imbalance.
  • I have AB negative and those blood center fuckers would drain me of every drop if they could.
  • you go back in time. The first rule of Paradox Club is that you can’t actually change anything when
  • “Artichoke Dip” isn’t really one of the seven deadly sins, I was just yankin’ your chain on that one.
  • What has a long neck and holds 1.5 liters of wine? A ciraffe.
  • Bad: I just realized that there was a misspelled word on the resume I submitted last week. Worse: The misspelled word is the name of the company where I currently work. Worse still: It is also the name of the company to which I am applying, as this is an internal application.
  • I would love to play Settlers of Catan with Bill Murray and Meryl Streep and George Clooney and afterward seduce one or more of the three.
  • Novelty tattoos: the gag gift you can’t throw away.
  • Can you imagine if you actually gave birth to a bacon baby? I mean, you’d love it like any child. But the temptation …
  • Robin Found Dead on Doorstep of Wayne Manor

See also: Seven Of My Online Forum Images, Taken Out Of Context, Fifteen Of My Online Forum Comments, Taken Out Of Context, Fifteen Of My Metafilter Comments, Taken Out Of Context.

Affirmations For the ADD-Addled

1. You can make it to affirmation 2.

2. You can make it to affirmation 3.

3. You can make it to affirmation 4.

4. You can make it to affirmation 5.

5. You can make it to affirmation 6.

6. You can make it to affirmation 7.

7. You can make it to affirmation 8.

8. You can make it to affirmation 9.

9. You can make it to affirmation 10.

10. You could have read all these affirmations without skipping to the end, if you’d wanted to.

Beer -> Goggles

I had a bit too much to drink last night, and woke up this morning wearing socks. I never wear socks to bed.

But socks tell me that my blood alcohol concentration last night wasn’t too high … no more that 0.05, probably. In fact, on any given morning I can usually determine what my BAC was the night prior based solely on what I’m wearing when I wake.

Wake Up Wearing BAC
Socks 0.05
Pants 0.10
Jacket and shoes 0.15
Axe Bodyspray 0.18
No clothing / eyebrows whatsoever 0.20
Boxer shorts (not own) 0.22
Henna tattoo of Rainn Wilson 0.24
Half-eaten nacho hat 0.26
Members Only jacket / parachute pants / untied Converse / sweater draped around shoulders / Nintendo Power Glove 0.28
Bar napkin with home address written on it safetypinned to earlobe 0.30
Miss Celibate Teen Lewis County sash and tiara 0.33
Handcuffs and alcohol-monitoring anklet 0.38
Wheedle costume 0.38
Sheet, identifying tag 0.40

Update: I posted the above to Twitter, with each BAC its own Tweet. I’d done this before with the Typical Reaction to the Revelation That I Do Not Own a Cell Phone, By Year list, which was fairly well-received. But the lesson learned today, I think, is that 10 items on your Twitter list is pretty much the absolute maximum before your followers start to hate you. (When I put out a call for suggestions, chris_knight replied “how about stop?”)

Still, some folks chimed in with some great additional entries. Here are a few:

Wake Up Wearing BAC All-Around Great Person
Torn karate outfit / peanut butter stains 0.17 pfostpfilms
Mesh sleeveless shirt 0.183 bklynjudith
Full beard 0.20 savagegus
Eye shadow 0.22 wendelldotme
Jodhpurs and gold lame’ blouse 0.25 golux13
Nadya Suleman 0.30 illonia
“I voted for G.W. Bush” button Alcohol poisoning cybersherpa
Raccoon blood on pillow* Nick Nolte chilcote

* Not really something worn, but the judges will allow it.

If you have a suggestion, reply to this Tweet.

Christmas Carol Errata

Little Drummer Boy
As infants rarely exhibit social response behavior until the sixth week of life, it is unlikely that Jesus was truly smiling at the little drummer boy. We now believe that the son of man was experiencing gas.

Frosty the Snowman
Due to trends in global climate change, Frosty’s vow to “be back again some day” can no longer be guaranteed.

Angels We Have Heard on High
Note that this song only provides a partial list of things heard on high. Others include the Phish “Junta” album and the incessant crinkle of a Funyuns bag.

What Child Is This?
The child has been determined to be Jake Keenan of Great Falls, Montana. If someone could let his folks know that he’s here, that would be great.

Christmas is Coming
Since 1997 the donation amount suggested by this song has been adjusted annually for inflation. Given the recent economic meltdown however, this year the old man will again be accepting pennies and ha’pennies.

Silent Night
Just to clarify, the directive to “sleep in heavenly peace” was intended for the holy infant only. It is well-known that the parents of a newborn can expect no sleep whatsoever for a minimum of seven months, especially when people keep showing up at all hours of the night bearing myrrh.

Feliz Navidad
Please disregard all previous errata for this song. Apparently it is in Spanish.

Let It Snow
This song may erroneously lead the listener to believe that snow is a enjoyable and desired meteorological phenomenon. In fact, it is a huge fucking pain in the ass. We regret the error.

Show Us Your Tweets!

Spent the last two weeks in the weeds at work, with no one to blame but myself. And this coincided with my discovery that Twitter is actually pretty fun. Thus, I spent the latter half of May writing 140-character posts over there instead of 800-word posts over here.

When Twitter was all the rage a year ago, I was mystified by it’s appeal. For those unawares, Twitter is / was supposedly a mechanism by which you could keep friends appraised of your current activities. You fill out a field entitled “What are you doing?” at the top of the Twitter website, hit update, and your status is sent to your friends in the form of an update to their twitter feed, a message to their IM client, or a text to their cell phone. Thus, you get a up-to-the-second running commentary on what all your acquaintances are up to.

Which raises the question: who the the hell would want that? I prefer to have no object permanence concerning my friends, content to believe that they only truly exist when in my company.

Fortunately, some jokers figured out that Twitter is the near perfect medium for one-liners and, if you set up your feed correctly, you can have unlimited wit of the “brevity is the soul of” variety at your disposal . (Or, as Kottke recently put it, “My Twitter friends stream is … open mic night at the Comedy Barn.”).

Naturally, I was compelled to join in the merriment. Here are some of my recent Tweets:

  • Say what you will about Jeffrey Dahmer, at least he didn’t murder people and eat them. Oh, he did? Well, I’m sure it was just a few.
  • On last night’s date I got to third base. She was enjoying the game until then–I probably should have warned her I was going to streak.
  • Strange how “sweetheart” is a term of endearment while “candy-ass” is an insult. Maybe they mean like John Candy.
  • Why can we put a man on the moon but not make a cereal box that stays closed? It was? Totally faked? Well, I guess that explains it.
  • So far the Bee Gees have been true to their word, vis a vis “Staying Alive.” Except for Maurice, the quitter.
  • Trying to keep this meeting on point is like trying to catch a feral opossum with a plastic grocery bag.
  • Thank god potty training is almost over. And after I polish my aim a bit I can start teaching it to the kid.
  • How sunblock works: (1) lotion clogs facial pores; (2) angry red acne disguises sunburn.
  • Waking up on the morning after a scorching Seattle day is like the Big Reveal on a game show entitled “Who Wants A Disfiguring Sunburn.”
  • Wanted to buy antiseptic mouthwash, bought antisemitic mouthwash by mistake. What dope stocked them next to each other? Probably a jew.
  • Attn aspiring writers: the dialog “you clean up good” is now required in every narrative, be it novel, movie, tv show, or cookie fortune.
  • My counterfeiting operation unraveled when I paid for a Hummer with 63,000 singles. Washington is the only one whose nose I can get right!
  • The older I get, the less certain I am that the events depicted in Blue Thunder actually took place.
  • Joe Lieberman is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing doing a strip tease.
  • Dieting tip: put a bowl of fruit in your office at work. After a few weeks, the stench of rotting produce will really curb your appetite..
  • I bet Americans would buy a lot more durable goods if we called them durable GREATS!
  • New life ambition: to be posthumously remembered as the world’s finest cattle portraitist.
  • I like that Twitter’s 140-character limits encourages eloquence–brevity is the soul of wit, after all–but too often it also prevents me fr
  • I love you. But I’m not IN love with you. But I AM in a 30-year mortgage with you. And that’s what makes this so difficult.
  • Mighty Girl should write a book for the Twitter age entitled “No One Cares What You Ate Thirty-Seven Seconds Ago.”

Sadly, my ability to crack wise in 140-characters is paltry compared to the seasoned pros. If you want to set up your own Cavalcade O’ Comedy, get a twitter account and start with these fine folks: hotdogsladies, scottsimpson, lonelysandwich, fireland, & AinsleyofAttack. Or just peruse my favorites.

The website also inspired me to make this:


Wow, it’s amazing the way I can just think up a joke like that, two months after the referenced event has passed!