Adventure Capital

Here’s a thing I wrote for The Morning News: Adventure Capital.

Wholly unrelated: go listen to the audio clips here. A little additional context: Dave Niehaus is a loooongtime Seattle Mariners commentator; Mike Blowers is a former third baseman who recently joined the broadcasting team. Rounding out the commentation trio is Rick Rizzs.

Matt Tuiasosopo was called up from the minors a few weeks back. He’d been in the Mariner’s rotation, but hadn’t yet hit a home run.

In the first clip, Niehaus is speaking with Blowers; in the second, Niehaus is calling the play while Rizzs adds his own audio commentary in the form of amazed gasps and unrestrained laughter.

Purported Hart Tape Urges Al-Qaeda To ‘Never Surrender’

An new audiotape encouraging Al-Qaeda resistance is said to have been recorded by fugitive Corey Hart.

The 4 minute, 52 second communication, broadcast today on Al Jazeera, told listeners that "no one can take away your right to fight," further urging that they "never surrender." The US terror alert level was raised from yellow to orange after the release of the tape because of what some believed to be veiled threats encoded in the missive, including one portion that ominously warns Western forces that "just a little uncertainty can bring you down."

Although Al Jazeera broadcasters credited the tape to Hart, intelligence experts have been unable to authenticate this claim, as most have found it difficult to listen to the message in its entirety.

Corey Hart has been in hiding and at the top of America's "Most Wanted" list since last year, when the United States bombed and invaded his home country of Canada. Democrats have criticized the White House for failing to capture Hart even after boasting that his arrest was all but inevitable. At one point, when US forces had the outlaw surrounded, Bush went so far as to call Hart "The Boy In The Box."

Lost in the Maze

defective yeti’s readership has been dwindling in recent weeks, because so many of my regular visitors have been captured by Evil Supervillians and thrown into giant mazes, where they wander around aimlessly for days before perishing a slow and agonizing death by dehydration.

In an attempt to salavage what reader base I have left, I offer you this tip. As soon as Evil Supervillian leaves you in the foyer of the maze and seals the entrance, reach out and touch the right-hand wall. Now proceed forward, turning when necessary, always (always!) touching the wall to your right. This means that you’ll have to take every right-hand turn you come to; it also means that you’ll almost certainly encounter some dead ends, but, when you do, just take two left-hand turns and continue back the way you came. The important thing here is to never ever remove your hand from the wall on your right. Eventually you will find the exit of the maze. It may take longer than you could have found the exit by sheer luck, but it also ensures that you will never backtrack and will ultimately escape.

A moment’s examination of the maze below should prove the point:

What do you mean you’re “not getting it”?! Okay, so look at the red line below — that’s the path your outstretched right hand makes as you travel through the maze.

Wow: is that the crappiest photoshop job you’ve ever seen, or what?

Note: If this information actually saves your life at some point in the future, I’d appreciate it if you’d buy me the new Cyndi Lauper CD. Thanks.


Yesterday I cooked a hot dog and then discovered that all my hot dog buns were moldy. So I had to eat it on a hamburger bun.

Ergo, you can expect this week’s posts to be all goth and angsty.

Yeah, Baby!

Hello friend. You and I have been close for years now, and I would hate for anything to come between us. But I sense trouble on the horizon. That’s why I decided to address a potential problem even before it arises.

This is the situation: A new Austin Powers movie is out, and — NO! NO NO NO! Don’t say it! Lesson #1: when someone says “A new Austin Powers movie is out,” do not reply with “Yeah, baby!”. Aaarrgh! You see? This is exactly why I’m having to bring this up!

Look: it was just four months ago that you (finally!) stopped reciting catchphrases from the last Austin Powers movie. And whether you realize it or not, a lot of the people who love you — myself included — breathed a huge sigh of relief after you uttered your last “Get into my belly!” Frankly, we thought you were never going to stop, that we would be forced to either go into hiding or stab you to death with a ladle.

But now there’s another Austin Powers movie, a third one. And you are going to see it. We don’t fault you for that — everyone in America is going to see it, just as we are all going to see the next Star Wars movie and reelect George Bush. But please: try — just try! — to refrain from using the 77 “classic” and 29 new Austin Powers catchphrases in the months and years to come. Because although you stubbornly refuse to acknowledge this, they are not funny. It’s true. “Oh behave!” is not funny. Nobody knows why you ever thought it was.

Just so we’re clear, here’s some specific phrases to avoid:

  • Do not say “Yeah, baby!” No, you haven’t been saying that all your life. You keep insisting that you have, but, trust me, the very first time you ever said “Yeah, baby!” was 4 minutes after you saw the first Austin Powers movie. Sad but true
  • Never mention your “mojo”. Never. Seriously.
  • You know how to pronounce “million” correctly. Do so.
  • Hearing you say “shag” creeps me out hard.
  • You do not make me horny. Please stop asking.

Well, I could go on and on — you certainly did! — but I’m sure you get the point. Or perhaps you don’t: you seem to be rather obtuse on this whole “catchphrase” issue. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you’ve kind of brought this on yourself. Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t have even mentioned this if you hadn’t been prefacing every sentence with “Crikey!” since you saw “The Crocodile Hunter”.

And someone needs to tell you all this, for your own good. Because if you spend another two years exclaiming “I shall call him Mini-Me” everytime you see an infant, what few friends you have left are going to desert you. I’m not kidding. Catchphrases are that annoying. Catchphrases are evil.

Ug. The fact that you quickly put your pinkie to the corner of your mouth when I said “evil” does not bode well.

100 Things About Me!

People are always sending me email, saying, “Matthew, with your endless barrage of smarm and near incoherence, we never really get to learn anything about you.” Well that ends today, friends! By popular demand:

100 Things About Me!

  1. My name is Matthew Baldwin!
  2. I live in Seattle!
  3. I am 31 years old!
  4. I am married!
  5. I have a cat named Louie!
  6. I spent two years in Bolivia as a Peace Corps Volunteer!
  7. Uhhh…..
  8. My favorite movie is “2001: a Space Odyssey”!
  9. My favorite band is Sleater-Kinney!
  10. My favorite mixed drink is the margarita!
  11. My favorite tv show is, uh, actually I don’t watch much tv. Scratch that one.
  12. Sleater-Kinney isn’t really my favorite band, either. It’s just what I happen to be listening to right now and I kinda blurted it out. Maybe they’re my favorite band, I dunno.
  13. Uhhh…
  14. My favorite punctuation mark is the exclamation point!
  15. Uhhh…
  16. Jesus Christ. 100 things?
  17. What the hell was I thinking?
  18. Oh yeah, here’s another one: I’m a programmer!
  19. I spend my days, you know, programming!

  20. My favorite ice cream is chocolate!
  21. All right, how many do I have left? Let’s see, I’ve done 1, 2, 3, mmmmmm, shit! I hafta do, like, 80 more!
  22. Uhhh…
  23. I, uh, I like the Internet!
  24. I am wearing pants!
  25. My wife thinks I should have this weird-looking mole on my back checked out by a doctor!
  26. Uhhh…
  27. I have a bus pass!
  28. Screw this. I’m going to go look at porn.