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- Guy on the treadmill next to me looked like he was falling down a flight of stairs for 20 minutes straight.
- I’m doing the 100 Push-Up Challenge. I’ve eaten 37 today and still going strong, but I think this is going to ruin frozen yogurt for me.
- Clerk at store: “Do you want to help us fight prostate cancer?” Me: “I’m gonna need to know how before I commit.”
- Wow, tough day. The street that I sometimes clean found out that it was adopted.
- Just heard from the doctor; apparently my “case of the Mondays” is a chronic, degenerative condition.
- Andy Rooney never ceases to amaze me with his Somehow Still Alivedness.
- Local Arby’s: “Now hiring, $9/hr, 50% off meals.” The only way that would be an incentive is if they meant 50% less food.
- Neighborhood lemonade stand is charging $1 a cup. Those kids are gonna grow up to be an Exxon executives.
- While in a bar I mentioned I was writing a screenplay; cute girl overheard and totally checked me out. Memo to self: tell that lie more often.
- There ain’t no problem that alcohol can’t solve. Except alcoholism, I guess. Or a housefire.
- A single trip to the dentist dispels the notion that intelligence played any factor in our design.
- These new slacks my wife bought me make my ass look awesome! Also, the pockets are weird. I’m 65% certain they are women’s apparel.
- The older I get, the less certain I am that the events depicted in Blue Thunder actually took place.
- Million dollar idea: contact lenses with tiny barbs on the inside to constantly scratch your eyes during allergy season.
- Oh god, I shouldn’t have eaten that Speed Stick.
- I wish my printer were a person so I could stab it to death with a grapefruit spoon.
- Why I love Wikipedia: “When invigorated by spinach, Popeye can lift or press about 36 tons. [citation needed]”
- I’m going to have to add “Read entire history of Green Lantern on Wikipedia” to my daily to-do list just so I have something to cross off tonight.
- Dear NPR: I will give everyone on your staff a dollar if you stop saying “anti-war protesters.” No one is protesting anti-war.
- Whoa, shred WAY too much cheese for our dinner tonight. If you or someone you love needs shredded cheese, contact me IMMEDIATELY.
- Rode bike to work to combat global warming; nature’s thanks: a bee sting in the thigh. Fuck you, globe.
- Hearing Third Eye Blind on your Pandora Sigur Rós Radio station is like finding a testicle at the bottom of a latte.
- You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Matthew Baldwin. Seriously, it gets me every time. I’m all “Why are you up so early?”
- Have been smelling anise all morning. Someone remind me: does that indicate the presence of Satan or the onset of a stroke?
- Bliss and Tell: Only Googling a neologism or joke AFTER you’ve used it because you suspect 75,000 people came up with it first.
- Pint of No Return: The beer after which you will drink until drunk. For me it is number four.
- Scott McClellan’s new book, summarized: “I totally didn’t know I was lying those 630,000 times.”
- “Pornography” comes from the root words “porn,” which means “pornography,” and “ography,” which means nothing whatsoever.