{"id":2283,"date":"2002-11-04T13:54:25","date_gmt":"2002-11-04T20:54:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/?p=2283"},"modified":"2002-11-04T13:54:25","modified_gmt":"2002-11-04T20:54:25","slug":"my-kitty-is-the-mother-of-invention","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/2002\/11\/04\/my-kitty-is-the-mother-of-invention\/","title":{"rendered":"My Kitty Is The Mother Of Invention"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Remember how Larry would always burst into Jack&#8217;s apartment unannounced on &#8220;Three&#8217;s Company&#8221;?  That&#8217;s what great, pet-related ideas have been doing to my head in the last week or so.  Check out these two sure-fire winners:<\/p>\n<p><b>Cat-A-Tonic 4000<\/b>:  My wife and I used to live in a noisy, urban apartment.  We had so much trouble sleeping that we eventually bought one of those sound machines &#8212; not the Miami kind, with Gloria Estafan, but the type that have, you know, a bunch of &#8220;soothing tones&#8221; to help lull you into slumber: White Noise, Ocean Waves, Babbling Brook,  Crickets, etc.<\/p>\n<p>But we recently bought a house, thereby trading one insomnia-inducing problem for another.  Now we no longer have the noise, but we have since acquired a handful of squirrelly, nocturnal cats.  They like to show up at 2:00 the morning, leap onto the bed, and tromp around like a marching band, or give our faces unexpected groomings.  So  while we no longer require the white noise, we now need something to keep the kitties at bay.<\/p>\n<p>That&#8217;s why I&#8217;m going to invent the Cat-A-Tonic 4000.  It will work just like the traditional noise machine, except that, instead of quietly playing soothing noises, it will loudly play sounds designed to deter feline visitations.  The five settings will be:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<div class='post'>Vacuum Cleaner<\/li>\n<li>\n<div class='post'>Garbage Truck<\/li>\n<li>\n<div class='post'>Coke Can Full of Pennies<\/li>\n<li>\n<div class='post'>Firecrackers<\/li>\n<li>\n<div class='post'>Water Spritzer<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div class='post'>Also, every fifteen minutes it will bark.  Land of Nod, here I come!<\/p>\n<p><b>Heroin Chew toys<\/b>:  Some friends of mine recently got a puppy that immediately ran away.  It&#8217;s kind of a long story, involving loose collars, thunder, and a Nick At Night &#8220;Joanni Loves Chachi&#8221; Marathon; suffice to say, the dog ran away and my friends were worried sick for days.  They kept putting his food bowl out in the back yard but he didn&#8217;t return until, like, six days later, when he finally hungry enought to come home.<\/p>\n<p>So in the interest of preventing this kind of tragedy from befalling others, I immediately applied by parsnip-like intellect to this vexing problem.  What would prevent a dog from running away for a full week, asked I.  And the answer was so obvious that I&#8217;m amazed that you, personally, hadn&#8217;t already thought of it:  a heroin addiction.  That&#8217;s where heroin chew toys come in.  If your puppy runs away, he&#8217;s guaranteed to be back on your doorstep, strung-out and whining for a fix by the end of the day.  And this works a lot better than food as a Canine Retention Tool, because while a hungry dog can scavenge or eat (o)possums or whatever, a heroin addicted dog has no choice but to go home, unless you live in downtown Seattle, in which case your dog can get hooked up pretty much anywhere.<\/p>\n<p>Wow, these ideas are so great that I am already rich!!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Remember how Larry would always burst into Jack&#8217;s apartment unannounced on &#8220;Three&#8217;s Company&#8221;? That&#8217;s what great, pet-related ideas have been doing to my head in the last week or so. Check out these two sure-fire winners: Cat-A-Tonic 4000: My wife and I used to live in a noisy, urban apartment. We had so much trouble [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2283","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-great-ideas"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2283","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2283"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2283\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2283"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2283"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2283"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}