{"id":2392,"date":"2003-02-18T12:56:20","date_gmt":"2003-02-18T19:56:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/?p=2392"},"modified":"2003-02-18T12:56:20","modified_gmt":"2003-02-18T19:56:20","slug":"duck-cover-and-enjoy-coke","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/2003\/02\/18\/duck-cover-and-enjoy-coke\/","title":{"rendered":"Duck, Cover, and Enjoy Coke!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Apparently the recent decision by the Federal Government to go Code Orange and urge Americans to arm themselves with duct tape and plastic sheeting caused Wal*Mart’s sales to skyrocket<\/a>. Of course, in our consumer oriented society, it’s not difficult to figure out what’s going to happen next.<\/p>\n

Stage one: Regular Terror Alerts<\/b>: After intense lobbying by hardware stores and other establishments selling sundry supplies, the Feds will issue terror alerts whenever the economy needs a “shot in the arm”. Typical announcement: “A recent uptick in ‘chatter’ leads us to believe that a terrorist attack could occur anywhere in the United States, except in participating Wal*Mart, Sam’s Club, and Home Depot locations.”<\/p>\n

Stage two: Brand Names<\/b>: Then, when telling Americans how to protect themselves against the threat of terrorism, specific brands will be mentioned. Typical announcement: “We urge all American’s to stock up on Terror-Care brand duct tape and plastic sheeting. Terror Care: Buy It, If You Love Your Family™.”<\/p>\n

Stage three: Product Placement<\/b>: Soon, those selling non-safety related items will pony up to have their product mentioned in the warnings. Typical announcement: “And because you may have to remain holed up in your house for weeks after the detonation of a so-called ‘dirty bomb,’ we recommend you immediately preorder Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix<\/i> from Amazon.com, just in case.”<\/p>\n

Stage four: Naming Rights<\/b>: Lastly, the terror stages will rechristened to incorporate the names of the highest bidder. Typical announcement: “Today we are raising the terror alert to Code Orange Julius. We remind you that this is the second-highest level of threat, superceded only by Mountain Dew’s Code Red.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Apparently the recent decision by the Federal Government to go Code Orange and urge Americans to arm themselves with duct tape and plastic sheeting caused Wal*Mart’s sales to skyrocket. Of course, in our consumer oriented society, it’s not difficult to figure out what’s going to happen next. Stage one: Regular Terror Alerts: After intense lobbying […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2392","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-great-ideas"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2392","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2392"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2392\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2392"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2392"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2392"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}