{"id":2563,"date":"2003-09-18T21:29:09","date_gmt":"2003-09-19T04:29:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/?p=2563"},"modified":"2003-09-18T21:29:09","modified_gmt":"2003-09-19T04:29:09","slug":"blog-entry-with-animals","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/defectiveyeti.com\/wordpress\/2003\/09\/18\/blog-entry-with-animals\/","title":{"rendered":"Blog Entry … With Animals!"},"content":{"rendered":"

I went and visited my Grammy last night. We chit-chatted for a while and then got down to the serious business of watching TV. Grammy has, like, 700 cable stations, of which she watches four: PAX<\/a> (the default), the FOX Sports Network (when the Mariners are playing), whatever station shows those reruns of Golden Girls<\/i>, and Animal Planet. Tonight it was Animal Planet.<\/p>\n

Lacking cable myself, I’d never seen Animal Planet before. What a weird network. We watched this show called Animal COPS<\/a>, where they ride around with some Humane Society guys and pretend like they are as exciting and dangerous as the police officers profiled on COPS<\/i>. In fact, everything on Animal COPS<\/i> mimics the original COPS<\/i> format: they show the time and location at the start of a segment, the officers give little philosophical monologues while driving around, and the whole thing is set to an unrelenting gloomy-action-adventure-techo backbeat specially designed to keep you on the edge of your seat while the Humane Society Guy herds a possum into a box.<\/p>\n

Most hilariously, the show has a narrator who always speaks in this ominous and deadly-serious tone of voice, doing his level best to make the essentially boring routine of these guys seem fraught with peril.<\/p>\n

First Humane Society Guy<\/b>: Well, here we are.<\/p>\n

[Humane Society Guys get out of car.]<\/p>\n

Narrator<\/b>: Getting out of the vehicle is a crucial step in any Animal COPS crime scene investigation.<\/p>\n

[Humane Society Guys nonchalantly approach front door and knock.]<\/p>\n

Narrator<\/b>: The Animal COPS cautiously edge towards the front door, bracing themselves for a confrontation.<\/p>\n

[Man answers door.]<\/p>\n

Man<\/b>: Yeah?<\/p>\n

Narrator<\/b>: Suddenly, the Animal COPS find themselves face-to-face with the perpetrator.<\/p>\n

First Humane Society Guy<\/b>: We’re here about the pigs.<\/p>\n

Man<\/b>: Oh right. They’re around the side of the house, follow me.<\/p>\n

Narrator<\/b>: The officers received a tip that the perpetrator is keeping pigs as pets, an act that’s not only illegal in this county, but also against the law.<\/p>\n

Then, as they arrive at the crime scene, the case takes an unexpected turn.<\/p>\n

Man<\/b>: Here they are.<\/p>\n

Second Humane Society Guy<\/b>: Oh, so they’re pot-bellied<\/i> pigs, then.<\/p>\n

Man<\/b>: Uh-huh, pot-bellied pigs.<\/p>\n

Narrator<\/b>: Reeling from this unforeseen twist, the Animal COPS struggle to regain control of the situation.<\/p>\n

First Humane Society Guy<\/b>: Well, like we said on the phone, we gotta take ’em.<\/p>\n

Man<\/b>: Whatever.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The show after Animal COPS<\/I> was called The Planet’s Funniest Animals<\/i>, which was exactly like America’s Funniest Home Videos<\/i> except … with animals!<\/i> And I saw an ad for a show that was like Survivor … with animals!<\/i> In fact, that seemed to be the theme of every program: Well-known Show … With Animals! Lord knows what else they have in this vein.<\/p>\n