We, Robots

I usually enjoy William Saletan’s Frame Game column in Slate, but his most recent article, discussing the news that scientists have managed to turn rats into remote-control robots, is certainly one of his most muddled and least thought-out arguments.

The hijacking of rodent brains, Saletan argues, amounts to nothing less than mousey Big Brotherism. In particular, he gets THE SHIVERS when he thinks about the fact that the scientists “programmed” the rats by activating their pleasure centers when they behaved as desired. Saletan writes:

What’s creepy about the robotized rats isn’t that they’re unhappy. It’s that they’re happy doing things no autonomous rat would do. Chapin’s paper boasts that his team steered the rats “through environments that they would normally avoid, such as brightly lit, open areas.” … The rat wasn’t whipped or pushed. It was “motivated.”

In the next paragraph Saletan ominously speculates that soon we will be using this technique — activating the pleasure centers of organisms as rewards for desired behavior — on dogs, and then monkeys, and eventually on one another.

All this would sound like alarmist paranoia, if not for the fact that Saletan is fretting about something that is already routine: humans (and rats, and dogs, monkeys) are already slaves to the rewards programmed by the vagarities of evolution and meted out by our own bodies. Take, for example, our cravings for fat and sugar. At some point in our evolutionary history, fat and sugar were both scarce and essential to life, so we evolved the ability to feel pleasure whenever we consumed such foods. Now over half of all Americans are considered overweight or obese because we can’t stop pursuing these intangible rewards. Likewise, a man cheats on his wife because his body will “reward” him (if ever so briefly) for his indiscretion. Folks like me set up blogs for the utterly ephemeral “reward” of status and notoriety.

If Saletan is so worried about people being controlled by a system of fictitious rewards, he needn’t wait for some Orwellian science-fiction scenario to come to pass before lodging his complaint. Instead he should be railing against advertising and casinos. When a beer brewer puts a scantily clad supermodel on their billboard, what are they doing if not associating desired behavior (purchasing their brand of beer) with illusionary rewards (sex with a supermodel)? When state lotteries promise fantastic wealth for only a dollar, what are they doing if not preying upon irrational desires (and an ignorance of statistics) to make a quick buck? Like the researchers in the aforementioned study, marketers “motivate” us to do things no autonomous person would do, all for their own benefit.

Of course it’s exactly these impulses and quirks which make us human. Without them — if we were always behaving rationally, instead of lurching about in response to a million years of evolution — then we would truly be the robots Saletan fears.

Bikes to Trains

Say, do you remember those commercials for “Toys R Us” from about a decade ago? The ones with the giraffe? And the jingle that went something like:

I don’t wanna grow up
I’m a Toys R Us kid
They’ve got a million toys at Toys R Us
That I can play with
From bikes to trains to video games
It’s the biggest toy store there is
I don’t wanna grow up, because if I did
I wouldn’t be a Toys R Us kid.

I’m not really going anywhere with this story. I just thought it would be fun to jam that song into your head for the entire weekend.

Google Answers

Google, in its tireless quest to become The Best Thing Ever (the title currently held by coffee), is trying out a new feature entitled Google Answers. Users submit a question and a dollar amount; then one of the crack Google Answer Superstars (such as all-around superstar Jessamyn West) will do the research and provide an answer. If the asker feels the answer was up to snuff, he coughs up the specified dough.

Take a gander at some of the submitted questions. They range from the specific (What is the statute of limitations on civil suits in Pennsylvania?) to the general (What’s the best cell phone?) to the downright philosophical (What is the answer to this question?). And some of the questions posted are clearly jokes. One guy, for instance, wrote “I like girls. Do you like girls?” But did this facetiousness prevent Dr. David from providing an exhaustively detailed answer? No. It did not.

Games: Streetcar

Streetcar: The New Orleans Trolley Game is not the best game I own, but it is the game I have had the greatest change of heart about. The first time I played it, years and year ago, everyone hated it. Hated it. I could sense that there was a good game in there, but I couldn’t convince any of my original opponents to play it again. So Streetcar hit the shelf, and there it sat for well over a year.

Lord knows why I every tried it again, but the next time I gave it a whirl it was well received by everyone involved. Since then my enjoyment of the game has increased with every playing, to the point where it has clawed its way up into the echelons of favorites.

The Streetcar board shows a greatly abstracted map of New Orleans, divided into a 12×12 grid with a dozen or so “Landmarks” scattered around the board. On the perimeter are Trolley terminals numbered 1-6, with two terminals for each number. A set of like-numbered terminals are always on opposite sides of the board, so if one of the “3” terminals is on the East side the other will be on the West. Each player then gets two cards at random, one of which assigns them a number (from 1-6) and the other which assigns them two landmarks. Each player also starts with five tiles, each of which shows trolley track connecting two or more edges of the tile. The simplest tiles show a single length of track connecting opposite sides of the tile or curving to connect one side to an adjacent side. Other tiles show more complicated arrangements, with tracks bi- or even trifurcating.

Each player gets to put two tiles on the board each turn, with the goal of creating a route that starts at one of their terminals, travels past their two assigned landmarks and ends at the opposite terminal. A tile may be put into any vacant space on the board, but must be placed so that no track leads off the board, no track leads into a landmark, and all track “syncs up” with the tiles that have already been played. All tiles played are “public domain,’ which means that any player can use them in their course. The problem — and by “problem” I mean “aggravatingly fun part” — is that everyone is trying to build their own routes through the middle of the board, which means that they will be trying to steer the tracks one way while you try and guide them back the way you want.

What makes Streetcar an excellent family game is that while there is plenty of opportunity to screw with your opponents (by placing tiles that divert them from their intended destination), it is also relatively easy to recover from such treachery (by simply re-plotting your course). In other words, you get all the fun of a “mean” game without any of the hard feelings. There is something of a bluffing element as well. At the start of the game you don’t know the number or landmarks belonging to other players, and you must therefore deduce them based on where they lay their tiles. If they choose to put a tile or two in a completely bogus location, you may later come along and try to “screw with their course,” only to discover that they never had any intention of visiting that part of the city. Sneaky!

It takes a play or two get “get” Streetcar, and some people never enjoy the spatial reasoning aspect of the game (which, while slight, is present). But most folks grow to like it, and may even, as in my case, grow to like it quite a bit.

I don’t recall where I originally got my copy of Streetcar, but it’s available for purchase at Funagain Games.

Deal of a Canadian Lifetime

While moving out of my old apartment I discovered a treasure trove of Canadian coins squirreled away in a drawer I never used. Handfuls and handfuls of glorious Canadian currency of all sizes and denominations. Now, as you know, Canada switched over the the Euro two years ago, and these coins have really become hot collectors’ items. And although I know I could put these things on Ebay and make a fortune, I want to give a little something back to my faithful weblog readers. That’s why, for every $1 you send me, I will send you your choice of an authentic Canadian “Loonie” coin, four (4) Canadian “quarter” coins, or ten (10!) “dimes” (as they called them in Canada). Yes, I’m probably a fool for selling these things, but I just want to get rid of them. Checks and money orders only, please.

Val-U

I went to the movies.

Concession counter teen: Hello and thanks for coming to Cineplex Odeon theaters can I get you a Family Val-U Pack Combo?

Me: What? A what?

CCT: With the Family Val-U Pack Combo you get two large soft drinks and a family-sized tub of popcorn for only three day’s worth of wages.

Me: Well, that sounds pretty good. I guess I’ll — wait, did you say “tub?” A “tub” of popcorn? How much does popcorn does a “tub” contain?

CCT: [Points to cardboard garbage can affixed to wall.]

Me: Holy squirrels! When you said “family-sized” I didn’t think you meant it was the size of an actual family. That’s more food than I eat in a fortnight.

CCT: And then you get the two 54-ounce drinks …

Me: Two 54-ounce … ?! That’s 108 ounces of soda! We came here to see a movie, not play water polo!

CCT: … and you get free refills on everything.

Me: The frigate of popcorn comes with a free refill? Maybe I’ll just buy one and pass it around the theater for everyone — that should be enough to keep all 200 of us fed. Gluttony is one of the deadly sins, you know! What the hell, does Cineplex Odeon stock go up in direct propostion to the ass size of it’s patrons?!

CCT: [Blank stare]

Guy behind me in line: C’mon, dude.

Me: Yeah yeah, alright! Christ. Okay, gimmie the family whateveryacallit.

CCT: Okay, but did you know that for only thirty cents more you could upgrade to the Super Family Val-U Pack Combo?

NetFlix Recomendations

NetFlix (“The Only Internet Company With A Workable Business Model!”) has a recommendation engine. It may need some fine tuning. My top five recommendations:

  • Lies and Whispers: Dr. Lauren Graham meets Jiri, the man of her dreams. Their chance meeting and whirlwind romance develop into a passionate love with no bounds.
  • A Price Above Rubies: A woman finds herself torn between her husband and baby, and a jewelry designer who seems to promise all the romance that’s missing in her arranged marriage.
  • Carla’s Song: George is a Glasgow bus driver who risks his job by giving a free ride to a Nicaraguan woman with no money. Attracted to her, George accompanies her to Nicaragua where he helps her come to terms with her past.
  • The Aviator’s Wife: A delightful story of a young man’s obsession with an older woman. Follow this hilarious comedy of romantic hopes, disappointments and the complications of love.
  • Night of the Living Dead: A group of survivors seeks refuge in a farmhouse, hoping to protect themselves from hordes of flesh-eating zombies.

Technosphere

At TechnoSphere you can make yourself a critter (either a herbivore or a carnivore) and let it loose in a virtual world. The system will then let you know how your creation is doing: how far it has traveled, if it has any offspring, or if it got eaten by someone else’s grue. Who knows, your beastie might even shack up with my precious Bandersnatch.