Ah, Spring

Matthew Great Ideas

This weekend I’ll be working on my newest project: cheep-dates.com, an easy-to-use, online dating service for birds. I’m setting it up for my feathered friends in the backyard so that they can find mates in a quick, convenient manner, one that doesn’t involving CHIRPING RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AT FIVE FUCKING THIRTY IN THE MORNING.

20 thoughts to “Ah, Spring”

  1. * There’s a very good chance that I inadvertently plagiarized that last line from here. I honestly don’t remember reading that guy’s entry, but I read a lot of weblogs every day and there’s no denying that the similarities are damning. So a big apology to you Mr. Limeback, if I ripped you off. Which, let’s be honest, I probably did.

    The good news for the impatient is that you can apparently go read A Drop In The Ocean and find out what jokes I’ll be making in six months.

  2. Heheheh. No apologies necessary — if anything I should apologize if I made the insinuation. Actually when I read your post I got really excited. I thought to myself, “No way! Given that the Yeti is totally awesome, and I had the same idea, then that must mean that I am at least partially awesome!” Honestly, I only feel shafted because you’re getting the extra half-hour of sleep. :)

  3. And you just thought it was the Squirrelly who was gonna keep you from sleeping!

    As far as cheep-dates…sign the birds in Missouri up for it too! And can you work on a similiar project for katydids/cicadas so I can get to sleep at night? They’ll be pretty loud in a month or two.

  4. I swear to christ, there’s one goddamn mockingbird who shows up right about this time every year, sits on the telephone pole outside our window, and proceeds to do nothing but sing for two goddamn weeks solid.

    I know it’s illegal to fire guns in the city limits. I keep telling myself that.

    But I know that bird’s gonna be here sooner or later.

  5. that’s nothing, in Mississippi any hint of above 50 degree weather starts the mocking bird at 1:00 in the morning because he’s to stupid to know the difference in a STREET LIGHT and the SUNRISE!

  6. As long as you’re doing the dating service, how about having a particular meeting place for the backyard critters to go chatter each other up? I’m personally pretty annoyed with the free ‘n’ easy squirrels that chase each other around on my roof, which is apparently in the squirrels’ Red Light District, in the wee hours each morning. I bet you could get a pretty hefty cover charge for the furry little hormone-laden fluffballs. Unfortunately, they’d probably pay you with the copious amounts of seed they pilfer from my birdfeeders. And even though it’s *really* pure seed, the value on the open market is pretty paltry.

  7. Heheheh. No apologies necessary — if anything I should apologize if I made the insinuation. Actually when I read your post I got really excited. I thought to myself, “No way! Given that the Yeti is totally awesome, and I had the same idea, then that must mean that I am at least partially awesome!” Honestly, I only feel shafted because you’re getting the extra half-hour of sleep. :)

  8. I have the same problem, except magnified by a mama bird and her soprano husband, who serenades her every morning with a song while I’m trying to sleep. Hissing and throwing water have not helped so far. Really can’t wait till the kids hatch, then I’ll get no sleep for sure.

  12. One word. SLINGSHOT!!!!

    Equally effective on birds and squirrels. (And pesky neighborhood teens who won’t quit at 3 am. But you didn’t hear that from ME!)

  13. Ah, I wish they would just sing outside my window! I have this stupid bird that returns every year (this is the third year now) and flies into my window over and over again. I think he sees his reflection and has to be a big manly bird and try and scare it off. It starts at first light, and goes until about 8:30 or 9am for about 3-4 weeks. If I wave my arms at it or throw something back at it while it is flying at the window it will stop for about 3 minutes, then it will start up again. Until this bird starting attacking my window, I never really had a good sense of just how stupid the critters are. I am so tired of waking up to flap flap boink! (15 second pause) flap flap boink!

  14. Correct Amber. Most BIRDS ARE NOT SMART. We think they are, because they can fly and we can’t, but they are dumb, dumb, dumb. Not quite as intellectually inert as fish, but pretty darn close..

  15. I believe mockingbirds are a physical manifestation of satan himself. since a bruising 2 month long encounter with one (i had to move to get away from it), they’ve been promoted to the level of mosquitoes on my “i generally believe in the sanctity of life except for:” list.

  16. Would this dating service also work on Woodpeckers who sit on metal poles at 6 am and decide to wake the entire neighbourhood with the constant dinging? I personally have no problem with wood, but the ding ding at 6 am makes you want to poke your own eyes out.

  17. The woodpecker comment brought back painful memories. For an entire summer we had a woodpecker who was convinced he could get grubs out our chimney. It would peck on the flue for hours and the noise would echo through the whole house. We laughed at how dumb the woodpecker was for about 30 seconds. After that, it stopped being funny.

  18. Same problem here. We once had a woodpecker who used our drainpipe like a microphone to serenade the entire neighbourhood.

  19. My neighbour has an orange tree.
    This orange tree has several mockingbirds.
    These mockingbirds need some form of medication.
    This medication should be really strong.
    Strong-like-bull strong.
    (Lest I re-enact a particular bible myth and we have a very aromatic fire. Hmm…)

    I feel your pain.
    Starts at 1 or so and goes on until 3.
    Longer during full moon.
    I am very tired.

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