Things Not To Say

I went over to a friend’s house the other day, where we ate a bunch of pizza and then played 120 minutes of Power Grid. I knew most of the players, but two of them were a rather prim couple I had never met before.

After the game was over, I opened one of the pizza boxes and, discovering that there were still a few slices left, grabbed one.

“Hey, I’ll throw that in the microwave for you,” said my friend.

“No, thanks,” I said, and then–because it’s my standard line in situations like that–added, “I like my pizza the way I like my women.”

I didn’t have a punchline in mind when I said it. But, having set the joke up, I had no choice but to follow through. “Cold … and a few hours old.”

Update: Okay, so normally I wouldn’t post something like this here, as necropedophilia jokes rarely go over well with my typically readership. (Hi Mom! It gets worse!) But I got such a torrent of amazing alternate punchlines when I posted this elsewhere, I had no choice but to share.

• “Bought on a street corner” (Randombit)
• “Patted down with a napkin and folded in half” (Umrain)
• “Shared with 3 friends” (Newbornstranger)
• “Available by telephone and delivered by a pimply stoner in an AMC Pacer” (Walter)
• “So hot the top slides off.” (Phil S)
• “Hand tossed.” (Flaunted)
• “Liberally endowed with Italian Sausage.” (Migelikor)
• “Stacked in a corner of my fridge the following morning.” (pyrimyd)
• “Fawned over by nerds” (Gee)
• “Free if they don’t come within 30 minutes or less” (Melvin)