Category: Conversations

Ice Queen

Matthew

The Queen rubs the top of her head and makes the ow-that-hurts air-through-the-teeth noise.

Me: What’s wrong?

Q: I have a bump on my head and it’s getting bigger. Feel it.

{I engage in some impromptu phrenology}

M: Wow, that’s a good ‘un. How did you get it?

Q: I got hit by a block of ice.

M: Did it knock you out cold?

Q: It’s not funny.

M: Sorry. What happened?

Q: I wanted to pack the cooler for our weekend camping trip, so I went to the grocery store and bought a big block of ice. As I was walking back to the car I tumbled — honestly I don’t know what happened, I just suddenly went ass over teakettle — and when I threw my arms up the ice flew into the air. Then, after I landed on my butt, the block of ice came down and hit me on the top of the head.

{Pause}

Q: What?

M: Nothing, I’m just waiting for the part of the story that’s not funny.

i don’t IM

Matthew

W: what’s up?

Me: Nothing. What’s up with you?

W: oh i thought you were IMing me. I don’t IM.

Me: Well, aren’t you Mr. 19th Century?

Me: I shall contact you via telegram forthwith!

W: but as long as we’re chatting

W: do you wanna cheap tv stand?

Me: No.

W: the tv stand is free! I put it on craigslist. no takers.

Me: Try offering some free oral sex on craiglist. I bet that will get a response.

Me: Stipulate that they have to take the tv stand too, though

W: post: insatiable cocksucker offers multimedia furniture.

W: you know i have thought about becoming a gigolo. but I’m concerned about the health risks

Me: You mean the mental health risks of having people sing that David Lee Roth song EVERY FUCKING TIME you mention your profession?

W: tell me about it. that’s why i had to quit my job as a tambourine man

Soccer Is Hell

Matthew

I ask my friend A. why he is so tired.

A: I’ve been getting up every morning at five to watch World Cup games.

Me: Still? The US is out, man.

A: I’m not rooting for a team, I’m rooting for the entire thing. Go soccer! Besides, I’m kind of glad we got eliminated. They say that playing soccer is a metaphor for waging war, and I don’t feel like we have anything more to prove in that area.

Me: Yes, the United States is something of a literalist when it comes to the whole “waging war” motif.

A Pitcher’s Worth A Thousand Words

Matthew 35 Comments

I get a lot email. Not all of it is mine.

To: Matthew Baldwin
From: Geoffrey Ambler
Subject: Friday Night

Hey Matt,

I was talking to frazz last night and we were talking about how we should have a late night dinner before we go out of friday. I have work til like 630 on friday and then I am coming into the city with bull should be there by 9. Make a reservation somewhere for like 930. I mean bars don't get good til after 11- 1130 anyway. We might aswell eat and drink and then drink drink delta til 6 am. Let me know what you think?

I love you,
Geoff

* * *

To: Geoffrey Ambler
From: Matthew Baldwin
Subject: Re: Friday Night

Hey, Geoff. This sounds great, except I think you're probably talking about a different city than the one I live in (Seattle). Also, you may have intended this to go to a different Matthew Baldwin. Sounds like a good time, though.

Best to frazz and bull,
Matthew

* * *

To: Matthew Baldwin
From: Geoffrey Ambler
Subject: Re: Friday Night

You know what you're right the baldwin I am talking about is straight. You must be his gay twin who his fucking Jamie Moyer (pitcher for the seattle mariners). I'm sorry man I won't bother you anymore. Seattle, huh, doesn't it rain 23 hours a day 6 days a week there?

Best to grunge rock and starbucks!

* * *

To: Geoffrey Ambler
From: Matthew Baldwin
Subject: Re: Friday Night

Oh hey man, I thought you knew: Jamie Moyer (pitcher for the seattle mariners) and I broke up back in February. It was probably for the best. Honestly, we'd been drifting apart for years. He spent so much time on the road with the team, and I was spending so much time on my latch-hook ... you know how it goes. We were really only staying together for the kids there at the end, you know?

I still see him occationally, at Starbucks or grunge music concerts. He's moved on now, I guess -- got a new guy named Trevor or Tyler or something.

Thanks for asking, though -- it means a lot to me that you care.

Well, too bad Friday night didn't work out for us. I guess I'll just stay at home this weekend. Been doing that a lot, lately. Just staying home and listening to the rain and thinking about Jamie. We had some great times together, me and Jamie. Some really great times.

I love you too,
Matthew

In Which Predictions Are Made And Fulfilled

Matthew

Me: Look, gmail now has built-in chat functionality. After years of avoiding the siren song of Instant Messaging it has now been unwillingly foisted upon me, and I therefore have no choice but to use my newly acquired powers to pester you at work. I shall do so every half an hour from this day forward.

L: You’re bluffing.

M: Is that a challenge? OH IT’S ON!

M: I’m going to invent a light switch that shouts “OH, IT’S ON!” whenever you flip it up.

M: You know, for the blind.

M: Then I’ll create a knockoff for kids that says “OH, IT’S ON … BIATCH!”

L: I don’t think kids have been saying “biatch” since 1998.

M: No way. If I’m still saying a catchphrase it is hip by definition.

L: And I’m pretty sure it’s spelled “biotch.” It’s so played that it’s probably in the MS Word spellchecker by now. I’ll verify.

M: You’ll start typing it and clippy will pop up and say: “It looks like you are trying to ‘give mad props’ to your ‘peeps’ …”

L: Word actually says that it’s “biotech.”

L: (Feel free to make something funny out of that for your blog)

M: Um, thanks

L: It could be funny!

M: Yeah, but if I have to work to make it funny, it’s not much of a gift. That’s all I’m saying.

L: It’s the seed of inspiration.

M: You people. You’re always, like, “Hey, I ate a tuna sandwich yesterday. Feel free to couch that in the context of a some wacky and completely fictitious events, invent a bunch of humorous dialog to accompany it, and use it on your blog!!”

L: Whatever. Someday you’ll be hard up for material and just cut and paste this conversation into a post, I’m sure.

M: Is that a challenge? OH IT’S ON … BIOTECH!

L: And curtain.

Take Your Best Shot

Matthew 11 Comments

Conversation with a fellow dad over drinks:

Me: How old is your son, now?

A: Five and a half.

M: Going into kindergarten next year, then?

A: Yeah. That’s kind of a hot topic of debate at our house these days. He’s currently going to Montessori, and we have to decide if we’re going to put him in public school.

M: Right. And you, bleeding heart liberal that you are, are advocating public schools. Because you want to give your child a ruinous education and score a few cheap political points.

A: Exactly. In fact, that’s kind of the problem: the Seattle school system is actually pretty good, so it’s not even like we’re throwing him to the wolves. It’s more like we’re throwing him to a bunch of puppies. It doesn’t burnish our liberal credentials at all.

M: That’s rough, man. Well, look at the bright side: the way things are going, I’m sure the “Indeterminate War On Terror” will still be in full swing 13 years from now. So you can always encourage your son to enroll him in the military after high school, thereby proving some sort of political point or another.

A: Hmm, that’s a thought. Of course, if we don’t put him in public school he’ll probably wind up in a specialized military academy for Montessori graduates. They’ll be all, like, “We’re not going to tell you who to shoot. Just get out there on the battlefield and express yourself.”