Category: Misc

Obligatory “Best Of 2003” List

Matthew 15 Comments

Favorite Movies Seen In The Theater: Return Of The King (Review pending, honest), The Station Agent (ditto), Talk To Her, The Pianist, Kill Bill Vol. 1.

  • Caveat 1: I somehow never got around to seeing Lost In Translation, but I have a hunch that it might have been up there.
  • Caveat 2: Only an exceptional year in fictional movies could keep documentaries off my Top 5. That said, a Top 10 probably would have had Capturing The Friendmans and Spellbound in the 6 and 7 positions.

Most Disappointing Movie Seen In The Theater: The Matrix Reloaded, duh.

Movie That, Had I Seen It In The Theater, Might Have Challenged The Matrix Reloaded For The Title Of ‘Most Disappointing Movie Seen In The Theater’: That would be The Hulk.

Favorite Movies Seen On DVD: About Schmidt, Y Tu Mama Tambien, About A Boy (yeah, I was surprised too).

Worst Movie I Watched The First 20 Minutes Of On DVD: xXx.

Favorite Fiction Books Read: The Hours, Empire Falls, Look At Me.

Favorite Non-Fiction Book Read: The Armchair Economist.

Favorite Album: Give Up by The Postal Service. Predictable but true.

Favorite Game: Age Of Steam.

Stupidest New Trend Witnessed: Drivers talking on their cell phones via “hands-free headsets” while still holding the cell phone in their hand. I have not the words.

Disintegration

Matthew

Why I am bummed.

  1. Yesterday I heard the song “Pictures Of You” used in a commerical for digital cameras.
  2. Today I saw this.

It’s enough to make boys cry.

Update: Also!

  1. I can only savor my Internet crush on Mighty Girl — whose blog served as an inspiration for my own — for two more days. As of Saturday she is a married woman.

Curiosity

Matthew

I just noticed that my office has a light switch on the wall behind the file cabinet. Kind of a a wierd place to put one, and I have no idea what it does. Only one way to find out, I guess.

Update: Shit! Sorry!

YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL

Matthew 31 Comments

Do this:

  • Make clockwise circles on the floor with your right foot;
  • Now, without looking at your foot, use the index finger on your right hand to draw the number “6” in the air.

Did your foot change direction? Yes it did, you liar.

A big thanks to TTT for pointing out that I am unable to control my own goddamned body

Haircut

Matthew 28 Comments

After years of forking over $30 every other month so that strangers could make my hair look bad, I finally realized that I could make my own hair look bad for free!. So I picked up some clippers from Target, handed them to The Queen, and told her to go nuts. This is the result. (And, for purposes of comparison, this is what it often looked like before.)

It looks as good (read: not very) as the professional cuts, my shampoo usage has plummeted, and I won’t have to get another cut for months — win-win-win!

I’ll freely admit, though, that I got a little nervous when, in the midst of shaving my head, The Queen started whistling Sinead O’Connor.

Slogans and Subjectlines

Matthew 15 Comments
  • Lean Cuisine’s new slogan is “It’s not just lean, it’s cuisine”. Apparently consumers were unable to deduce this from the name. In other news, Coke’s new slogan is: “Coca-Cola: it’s a beverage for drinking.”
  • Free joke for your stand-up routine! “Election season is starting to heat up: Bush has filed for reelection and the Democrats have held two debates. And both parties announced that they will be running on Clinton’s 1994 slogan, although each will emphasize the half that they feel is their strong point — the Democrats will highlight the ‘It’s the economy!’ part and Bush will focus on the ‘Stupid’.”
  • Today I was rummaging around in my spam-filter folder, and came across an email entitled “HERE ARE YOUR GANGBANG PICTURES!!!”. But when I opened the email it turned out to be some complete stranger’s gangbang pictures instead (!!). Oh boy, what an embarrassing mix up. Anyway, if you recently got my gangbang pictures by mistake, drop me a line so can get this all sorted out. Thanks.

    • Dunkin Do Nots

    Matthew 3 Comments
    1. In a fit of nostalgia I tracked down and listened some Kris Kross songs yesterday. DO NOT DO THIS!!!! Specifically, do not listen to this mp3 of “Jump”. That song is evil infectious — and I don’t mean “infectious” in a good way, like laughter, I mean “infectious” in a bad way, like Pink Eye. You know how your cat, when he senses you’re going to take him to the vet, slinks under the couch, and when you try and fish him out he keeps moving to different, remote, unreachable spots, and then, when you finally move the whole sofa away from the wall and grab him by the nape and try and pull him out, he digs his claws into the carpet so the entire extraction process is accompanied by a loud ripping noise? That is what “Jump” will do to your head. I have been singing the chorus non-stop for two days now, inserting every element of my mundane life into it as I go.

      The Queen: Don’t forget to send your grandmother a Christmas card.

      Me: Grandma’ll make ya: Jump! Jump!

      The Queen: Why are you doing that?

      Me: Kris Kross’ll drive ya: Nuts! Nuts!

      The Queen: You’d better knock that off.

      Me: My wife is gonna: Punch! Punch!

    2. Also! DO NOT SEE WINDTALKERS!! I had the misfortune of viewing this alleged “movie” over the weekend and, lemmie tell ya, it’s terrible. It’s worse than terrible. It’s whatever comes after terrible. It’s petable. The credits said that it took two people to write the screenplay. Presumably one person sat in front of his TV watching every cheesy war movie ever made, while a second guy sat at a typewriter, and occasionally Guy One would shout to Guy Two: “Okay, here’s a scene that’s been in the last dozen films; write this down.” I mean, this had them all: The Placid Scene Just Before The Soldiers Meet Their Doom Where They All Casually Discuss What They Are Going To Do When They “Get Out,” The Scene Where The One Racist In The Platoon Who Constantly Belittles The One Minority In The Platoon Is Saved By The One Minority In The Platoon And Changes His Ways, The Scene Where Some Guy Gets Shot (actually, Windtalkers contained this particular scene approximately one infinity times). It really did a good job of conveying the horrors of war, though, as I am now under the impression that combat is the most boring activity imaginable.
    3. Also! If you read some great idea here on the yeti, and then you later discover a news article about some joker who used that same idea to make a bajillion dollars, DO NOT TELL ME!!! (I’m talking to you, Jonathan Harris). I prefer to believe (a) I am the only one who comes up with these schemes, and (b) the reason I am not a millionaire is because I am a Pisces, and certainly not due to any lack of initiative on my part. I have worked for years to hone and maintain my current state of blissful ignorance, and I don’t need you screwing it up with reality.

    Pray For Matthew

    Matthew

    I hate football, but tonight I am going to an “Official Packer Backers” sports bar to watch Green Bay play the Miami Dolphins on Monday Night Football.

    So if the year is 2007, and you are reading my site, and this is the last entry I ever made … well, that’s what happened to me.