Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neill announced today that the US would sell "naming rights" to fill The Gap in the Pledge of Allegiance left when a federal court ruled that the words "under God" were unconstitutional. "This is some prime advertising real estate," said O'Neill, pointing out that the Pledge is spoken daily by schoolchildren throughout the nation. "If you've got a two-word slogan and several hundred million dollars, we want to talk to you." Among the alternatives proposed so far to fill The Gap: "one nation, Ram Tough," "one nation, Thinking Different" "one nation, Drivers Wanted," and "one nation, Mm-mm Good." Until a slogan has been chosen the US government will refer to the vacant space as the "The Gap" as part of an agreement with a nationwide clothing store.
Category: News
Hot In Herre!
defective yeti’s Music News You Can Use!: The number one single in America right now is the smash hit “Hot In Herre”! (Listen to a clip.) The chorus goes:
Male: Its gettin’ hot in here
(so hot)
So take off all your clothes
Female: I am gettin’ so hot, I wanna take my clothes off!
Male: Its gettin’ hot in here
(so hot)
So take off all your clothes
Female: I am gettin’ so hot, I wanna take my clothes off!
Recognize that voice? You should: the lead male vocalist is Vice President Dick Cheney, singing here with EPA Administrator Christie Whitman! At long last the truth about Cheney’s seclusion has been revealed, as the first single from his forthcoming CD “Life of Vice” has been released to the public. Each song, according to the liner notes “will emphasize to American youth the positive elements of our administration’s policy.” The release of “Hot in Herre,” for example, was timed to coincide with America’s announcement that the greenhouse effect does, in fact, exist. And, as Cheney put it in a recent MTV interview, “The more people gettin’ hot, the more people takin’ off der clothes! Iss dat simple.” The second single “Mo Money 4 Me (And Nuthin 4 The Man),” a R&B duet with Secretary of the Treasury Paul O’Niell calling for further tax cuts, will be released in early July and is expected to debut at #1.
Summer COlors
Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge announced today that the "Terror Warning System" he unveiled in March would be converting to summer colors today. "Preparedness is never out of season," Ridge told the joint session of congress, "and that as why we will be tailoring our schema for the upcoming months." In the following Power Point presentation, Ridge revealed that Green will be replaced with "Mint," Blue will become "Cornflower," Orange will make way for "Putty," and Red, the highest level of threat, will henceforth be "Brick". The conversion is estimated to cost $47 million, and is expected to be every bit as comically useless as the old system. Ridge reassured the nation that, despite the recent fears of a July 4th attack, "we remain on Maize Alert."
US to Devalue ‘Extreme’
The US Department of Phrases and Superlatives today announced its intention to devalue of the adjective "Extreme." "Because the market has become dangerously oversaturated with 'Extreme' products, we have decided to devalue the term by reducing its meaning from 'exciting, exotic, exceptional or adventurous' to merely 'mundane'" said DPS Spokesman Alfred Kent. "After this adjustment, 'Extreme' will have roughly the same level of superlativeness as 'radical,' 'awesome' and 'hilarious'." Kent added "This correction will also apply to 'Xtreme,' 'X-treme' and any other stupid mispellings." Panicked consumers flooded 7-11s around the nation in the hopes of exchanging their Extreme Doritos, Right Guard Xtreme deodorant, Kraft Extreme Cheese Easy Mac and Cheese, Capri Sun Extreme Juice boxes, Ritz Xtreme Cheese Bits Cracker Sandwiches, Schick Xtreme III razors and Xtreme Big Gulps before the devaluation takes place at midnight tonight. Members of the rock group "Extreme" will also be deported.
Improprieties
Headline: World Chess Federation Rocked by Allegations of Bishop / Pawn Improprieties
Justice Department Indicts Ansel Adams’ Son
The political fallout from Enron’s collapse continued today as the US Justice Department announced its indictment against Ansel Adams’ son. “Having utterly destroyed the accounting firm of Arthur Andersen by indicting the entire company rather than just the select individuals who actually engaged in wrongdoing, we are now aggressively pursuing others embroiled in this scandal,” said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer at a conference earlier this morning. “We will leave no stone unturned, and that includes percecuting Ansel Adams’ son to the full extent of the law” When reporters asked if perhaps this was just the result of a misunderstanding, pointing out that Michael Adams, the 69 year-old son of famed photographer Ansel Adams, has at no time been in any way connected to Enron, Fletcher replied “This administration is deeply committed to rooting out corruption in all it’s guises, and we certainly won’t be letting Mr. Adams off the hook because of a so-called ‘misunderstanding’.” When further questioned about the indictment, with some reporters asking if this wasn’t just another subterfuge to shift the focus away from the actual culprit, Enron, and the ties it may have had with high-ranking officials in the Bush administration, Flicher responded by pointing to the back of the room, shouting “Uhh.. say, look back there! It’s Academy Award winner Gene Hackman!” and fleeing.
Opposite Day
President George W. Bush declared March 27 to be National Opposite Day. “For too long, now, ‘No’ has meant ‘no’, ” Bush said during the nationally televised address. “But today, at long last, ‘no’ will mean ‘yes’ … and ‘yes’ will mean ‘no’.”
Furthermore, Bush explained , until midnight all statements would mean their logical opposite. “For example: Saddam Hussein, we’re not coming for you!” he announced with a smirk.
Democrats lashed out at the proclamation, calling it ‘absurd’ and ‘paradoxical’. “Just by saying that today is Opposite Day, Bush is, in effect, saying that’s it’s not Opposite Day,” Senator Maria Cantwell pointed out. “If he’d made the announcement yesterday then, yeah, sure, that works. But by saying today is Opposite day .. that’s just dumb.”
“Or perhaps I say: that’s just not dumb.” Cantwell asked, rhetorically.
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer later dismissed the criticism, saying that it “sure doesn’t sound like pseudo-intellectual ivory-tower elite-speak to me!” Senate Republicans also supported the President’s decision, saying “This is not a great day for America.”
Although right-handed, Bush signed the proclamation with his left-hand, which, while kind of in the spirit of things, didn’t really make sense to anyone. Afterwards, Bush said his tax cuts were designed to help the impoverished, agreed to campaign finance reform, said that we would see “Middle-East Peace in our lifetimes,” and asked Senate Majority leader Tom Daschle “Do you want me to hit you?”
Index of Evil
After weeks of intense lobbying by congressional Democrats, President Bush today released the 2002 Index of Evil, a comprehensive list of everything that the President has declared Evil in the last 12-months. Bush has publicly mentioned some of the Evildoers since the War On Evil began some six months ago, but members of Congress have insisted that they be given access to the entire list. Many of the names and items on the 3-page handwritten document were expected, such as "Osama bin Laden", "Tom Daschle" and "Losing Your Car Keys", but entries such as "Lilac Scented Soap" came as a surprise. Bush noted that the items are not necessary listed "in order of Evilness," but that "Rhubarb Pie" was "not in the #1 spot by accident."
Other instances of Evil (and their accompanying notes) included:
- "Taliban"
- "New Linkin Park video -- Linkin Park sux!!!!!"
- "Anthrax"
- "Recession"
- "That French ice skating judge"
- "Terrorism"
- "Terrorists"
- "Bette Midler"
- "Cheating At Yahtzee -- you know who I mean Dick!!"
- "40 Days and 40 Nights -- they showd all the funny scenes in the commercials"
- "Iraq"
- "Ham Sandwich I got Larry's Market, last Wensday -- Lettuce was totally wilty!!"
When asked by reporters why "Enron" had not made the list, Mr. Bush hastily jotted the failed company's name on the bottom of page three and said "Evil."
Midday News Update
Hello, and welcome to Your Local TV Station’s Midday News Update! Our top stories today:
- Now there’s a new way to get the great taste of McDonalds! A McDonald’s in Sweden comes complete with a snowmobile drive-thru!
- Heinz is adding three more colors to it’s already widly popular “colored ketchup” line!
- Worried about bad breath or body odor? The solution may be as simple as buying a bottle of pills!
- And, in Entertainment news, we’ll tell you where you can find the new J-Lo album, we’ll tell you when you can start purchasing tickets for your hometown team’s baseball season, and we’ll give rave reviews to this week’s blockbuster movies.
All this — and Consumer News! — after these commercials.
Oh My
A poorly written headline and an unfortunate accompanying photo turn a mundane article about a guy getting promoted into comedy gold: Student Excited Dad Got Head Job